You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult

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A lot of the book is spent on ways to evaluate and recognize friendships that aren’t what you want them to be, and how that is okay and normal. Friendships are hard and valuable and, as Moore points out, a LOT a lot of popular culture portrays friendships in ways that are nonsensical when applied to actual humans, who are nuanced and complicated and never simply “good” or “villainous.”

If you've survived a Greek myth-esque series of relational disappointments, you know that trying to figure out how to make a friend when you've been hurt so many times, or never really felt loved or accepted in a lasting way, or never had a model of healthy friendship, can feel impossible." (p. 4) One of the biggest strengths of this book was its focus on application. Most chapters had explicit helpful guides on ways to build community. I found myself writing them down and thinking about them more. The book wasn't just platitudes, stories, or even examples of how she did it. Instead there were real good suggestions on ways to make this happen. I particularly appreciated a recurring theme of looking for the people already in front of you. I have hermit tendencies that have been exacerbated by the difficulties of motherhood. I typically won’t be the first to reach out or to invite people over. I am awful at making plans. Seriously awful. Huge flaw. It’s not because i don’t care, I care more than you’ll ever know!! But, if someone else asks me to do something, I am there! If you need me to come help you organize your closet, I’ll be there in ten! Play date tomorrow? Absolutely!One of the first groups I thought were “my people” actually kind of intimidated me, and I never got up the nerve to be honest with people in the group about that. I ended up finding a related group that didn’t intimidate me as much, but I still wonder, if I had been willing to share my vulnerability with that earlier group, if I could have been able to connect with them more deeply. From Lane Moore, the critically acclaimed author of How to Be Alone, comes a searingly intimate, yet wildly funny exploration of the frustrating, messy, and, at times, deeply joyful experience of learning how to make meaningful friendships as an adult.

I think when you’ve had a lot of struggles in your life, you think, “Maybe I’ve been through too much, and I’ll never be able to connect with people. Maybe I’m not lovable.” And hearing this outpouring of strangers and even acquaintances, saying, “Thank you for writing this, this helps so much, I feel so close to you, I feel like I know you,” was part of shoring up this worthiness. It also attracted new people into my life who already had a bit of CliffsNotes on where I was coming from as a person and as a friend, for better or worse. At first, I joined a group of people that I wanted very much to like me. I tried to be likeable, to support them and to do the work that was required to make our projects successful, to help out when I could, and I attended every party and event. But something wasn’t right. I think fans of Jennie and other Christian Living books will love this one. It's needed, easy to read, and practically helpful. I even think those who don't typically like this kinds of books, like me, will find it worthwhile. This is one that I will end up purchasing for our church and rereading. I had a similar lightbulb moment, years after when I would watch TV and think, “How much of this is just wish fulfillment?” TV writers are writing these shows; they don’t see their friends every day. How could they when you’re writing a TV show for 12 hours a day? It’s physically impossible. Being on both sides, as a consumer and as somebody who’s now creating these things, I know that’s not the whole story. But at the same time, I almost wish they hadn’t done it. Because it looks so good. I can’t help but watch hangout shows like “Living Single,” “New Girl” and “The Golden Girls.” I know the Golden Girls were retired, but like, why can’t I see the same four people every single day? I want that. That’s what I grew up believing I would have. You know that it’s not realistic, but there’s still a real pain and grief around like, “Why can’t I have it?” That seems like it should be something everyone gets since we all want it. There were two points that I felt this book was weak. The first was understanding introverts. I agree with a few comments she made about some of the particles being the same, even if it is harder. However, I feel that this book would have been greatly helped if she had an introvert write some notes about how to overcome some of the challenges.As someone who has always felt insecure about the friendships I have versus the ones I think I’m ‘supposed to have,’ this book honestly made me feel better about myself.” —Rachel Bloom, Emmy Award–winning co-creator of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend You already have your friend in common, so it’s worth it to see if you’d get along when it’s just the two of you. I once knew a guy who had really cool friends, but honestly I was not that into the guy himself. One day, I ran into some of his friends on the subway and it turns out they all thought I was really awesome and also didn’t like that other guy. It was a beautiful moment. Lane Moore is an award-winning writer, comedian, actor, and musician. She is the host of I Thought It Was Just Me podcast.

Even if you don’t know Lane personally, she still feels like someone you’ve known for years. And that’s exactly what reading How to Be Alone feels like: having an honest conversation with an old friend.”— Hello Giggles You Will Find Your People" would have likely been more effective had Moore simply given herself to the humorous side of this discussion and focused exclusively on the memoir aspects of her journey with friendship. This would have, I think, made some of the scenarios served up a little funnier without the burden of trying to unearth how this all adds up to self-help. At times, it feels like Moore is still discovering her own truths in "You Will Find Your People" and that journey could have been incredibly captivating as someone who has found success and who still struggles in the real world of adult relationships and friendships. You Will Find Your People" is stronger as a memoir, Moore's journey through the world of friendship often engaging, occasionally irritating, and dysfunctional enough that you can't help but understand why the author has at least somewhat struggled in the area of friendship.Sometimes you genuinely need to recharge and reschedule, which I fully encourage, but other times I need to remind myself to actually keep plans and take a chance that this might be exactly what I needed, even if solitude seems safer. And then I come home feeling so happy that I took the risk and left my cocoon for a bit.