Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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Boundaries are essential at all ages. They change in relationships, just as the people in relationships change. Transitions such as getting married, going away to college, or starting a family often require new ones. of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab That's a situation where that's domestic violence. You know, should you be in a relationship where you are physically unsafe? Should you be in a relationship where you are being verbally abused? Those are questions that a person has to answer for themselves. You know, there are times when people are not ready to leave a relationship, and I don't support leaving before you're ready. Shortform note: Because manipulators try to control situations subtly and indirectly, it can be difficult to recognize manipulation in your relationships. For instance, in addition to overt behaviors such as bullying and insults, manipulation can include subtle methods, such as a refusal to engage in conflict, as well as “love bombing.” In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft explains that “love bombing” is a pattern of behavior in which a manipulative person offers excessive affection at the beginning of a relationship to win you over. Then, they withhold their affection in an attempt to gain leverage over you. If one of your relationships falls into this pattern, it may be a sign that you’re being manipulated.)

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others. So what, what do you hope is the biggest takeaway that people take from your books and from this conversation and, and put into place in their own lives?You know, “If you don't help me, if you don't help me with this thing, I'm going to, you know, some, some horrible outcome.” And you know, that's a manipulation tactic for sure. And it’s, sometimes it's true. Sometimes they will, you know, do things to say, “Okay, you're gonna help me with this,” but it's, it's one of those things that you have to get some support around. According to Tawwab, minor violations are mild, everyday occurrences that are more annoying than they are distressing. These kinds of violations won’t ruin your day or your week, but they are noticed and felt. According to Tawwab, boundary violations often happen as a natural part of the boundary-setting process. Even the most respectful people will take a little time to adjust to new boundaries in a relationship, and in the meantime, they’ll likely slip up and default to old behaviors. While this adjustment period can be painful, violations that occur during this process provide you with an opportunity to reinforce your boundaries, thereby strengthening your relationships in the long run. Tawwab recommends that you take time to rest and let difficult emotions settle after communicating boundaries. It’s important to give yourself a break after setting boundaries because communicating boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially if you’re new to it. Taking time to eat a comforting meal, read a book, or chat with a friend are all things that can help you decompress after setting boundaries. From Drama Free, I would love for people to have the takeaway of you are the person who can change your relationships. So often we think, “Oh, if this other person does this thing, then my life will be better.” When in actuality, if I do this thing with this other person, my life can be better. So I want people to feel empowered reading the book and to know that they have options. And with Set Boundaries, Find Peace, you know, I, I think the title is the intention, right? Like, it's like, set boundaries and guess what you’ll get? Peace.

Yes, because no one on Earth is forced to live and interact with their abusive parents or spouse or other relative because t I asked her, "What do you really have to do, and what can you delegate? Do you think your friend might be able to find someone else to help them move?" She mulled it over and said yes, but insisted that she wanted to help. At that moment, I could see that Kim had an issue with setting boundaries around how much and how often she's willing to help others and that this was contributing to her anxiety. She meant well, right? All she wanted to do was help people! But her level of willingness to help was impossible to sustain. She desperately needed to do less. When I mentioned delegating, Kim dismissed the idea immediately. She knew only one way to help others, and that was to say yes to doing it herself.

Success!

As Tawwab describes, passive aggression involves doling out consequences for violations without first taking time to communicate your boundaries. It can be easy to fall into this pattern—when someone does something you don’t like, many people find it natural to sulk or retaliate. However, behaving passive-aggressively usually doesn’t help you get your needs met because the other person won’t know what they’ve done wrong or how to do better until you tell them. If boundary violations become frequent in one of your relationships, Tawwab suggests limiting your interactions with the person in question. Finding ways to limit time spent with people who don’t respect your boundaries can be an especially useful tool when you don’t have the option to leave the situation completely. In these situations, limiting the amount of time you spend interacting with the offending person can minimize your discomfort.