Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

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This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes from 2020, my conversation with Jim Burns, President of HomeWord and the Executive Director of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family at Azusa Pacific University. Jim speaks to thousands of people around the world each year. He has close to 2 million resources in print in 30 languages. He primarily writes and speaks on the values of HomeWord which are: Strong Marriages, Confident Parents, Empowered Kids, and Healthy Leaders. Some of his most popular books include: Confident Parenting, The Purity Code, Creating an Intimate Marriage, and Closer. Jim and his wife, Cathy, live in Southern California and have three grown daughters, Christy, Rebecca, and Heidi; two sons-in-law, Steve and Matt; and two grandchildren, James and Charlotte. Thank you for shedding light that enabling will only add to all of our unhappiness in the long run. If you have kids, and they’re grown-up, or you think they might grow up, you gotta get this book. This is center cut-wisdom and prime guidance on how to make your life a blessing to people you love most." John Ortberg We will discuss two principles that are foundational for cultivating a vibrant relationship with your adult children, and it starts with a simple phrase: You’re fired!

I’m a single parent and I have tried to over compensate for her not having her father in her life. She moved out of my place when she was 29 and now lives in another city than me. We have both agreed that we wanted to live in the same city. I put my house up for sale. I have now sold it and I have to move. I don’t want to live in the city she lives in because there are no doctors and I found there’s a lot of pollution. I am struggling because she does want to move from where she lives but her fiance doesn’t want to move.

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Jim Burns: Tough love is not meanness. Tough love is saying they’re going to have to experience some of the consequences for them to learn.

Is anybody in this group divorsed, remarried, has grown kids (40ish), grandkids, and lives abroad. If so I would like to share experiences and issues Why all this project about setting up a meeting: so that everyone is expecting something life changing – something important – something requiring sincere attention and focus. Her cousins roommate moved out and now they are moving in with her. Unfortunately my son will not speak to me unless he has ugly angry things to say. So he completely disrespected what I said and moved her in anyway. But I am the bad guy. Was I suppose to be a doormat. Could I have been less dramatic? Maybe. But i could have also called the police for trespassing but I didn’t. I banged on the bathroom door twice at 1130 at night because of noise. And was loud about the pot. Just ignore it? No I dont think that would be right. Make room for significant others in their lives.It may be hard to share your children with their significant others, but these relationships are an important stage in their launch toward independence. Be open-minded and gracious as you meet this person and find ways to get to know them without being too pushy or critical. This doesn’t necessarily mean letting go of adult children but giving them the room to grow and learn at their own pace.Are you struggling to connect with your child now that they've left the nest? Are you feeling the tension and heartache as your relationship dynamic begins to change? In Doing Life with Your Adult Children, bestselling author and parenting expert Jim Burns provides practical advice and hopeful encouragement for navigating this tough yet rewarding transition. If you have any family that you are close to or even close friends, I would find a place nearer to one of them. I would not be in the same town with my youngest daughter now if not for my 2 grandchildren whom I have helped raise. I think we get too fixated on being near our children, because they are our children. The fantasy of it is not really always the reality. Then, if you have the emotional strength, get curious How do you feel about what I just said? (Just listen and show that you understand what he is saying. Don’t worry about whether he is immediately saying he understands and will act differently henceforth. Assume he heard you and will absorb this and consider it going forward.). If it’s all too emotional for you: “Thanks for listening – I’m grateful for you – good bye for now”. If you are serene, ask more questions: “How did you feel about the surgery – were you scared?” etc. Maybe even: “How do you feel about growing older? About death?” Hello, my son asked me to help him with funds to start a business. I gave him 100,000 to start the business , then in 6months He cut me off from his life saying I’m manipulating him. Pls Help me What went wrong ?