Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse

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The core idea is the same: Keeping searchable notes is essential for returning to ideas easily. An idea is only useful if you can find it when you need it. 4. Combine Knowledge Trees You practically need resentment for survival. But when you truly love and care for yourself, you do not need resentment to leave a toxic situation. Self-love is a far greater (and more pleasant) motivator.” You’re essentially sitting with years or decades of ignored emotions. All you need to do is listen and respond only with kindness. You do not need to judge or analyze what’s going on. Instead, simply welcome these feelings. Let them in.” Avoidants use it to stay lost in their imagination, viewing their own healing through the lens of invented characters.

9780143133315: Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and - AbeBooks

Their partner can say and do unacceptable things on a daily basis, which the codependent will try to explain and understand (“they had a difficult childhood!”). But the moment codependents make a single mistake, they berate themselves for it, obsess over it, and wonder if they’re crazy. For this reason, they come up short in relationships, over and over again. Because they’re unable to recognize that the balance is skewed, and unable to recognize that they’re not getting what they deserve from a healthy relationship. Their self-doubt keeps things forever skewed in their partner’s favor.” Step 1: You start out joyful and whole, able to freely love (and receive love). This is how we all start out. Some people don’t ever recall feeling like this, and that’s okay.Step 2: You experience betrayal, trauma, abandonment, judgment, or rejection from a trusted loved one. There is considerable emotional chaos, a loss of control. How to Win Against an Abuser? I get this question all the time, and my answer is always the same: Don’t try to win. As soon as we engage in this win/lose mentality, we abandon our hearts and forget what’s really important: vulnerability and love. Yes, absolutely you should remove toxic people from your life, but it should be from the perspective of self-love, not “winning.” As long as we maintain this false illusion of control, we’re still connected to the person in our psyches. A hallmark of C-PTSD is fantasizing about gaining some power over an otherwise powerless situation.” I don't really see how to get from "I am terrible" to "I feel that I am terrible, which is just one feeling I have among many." It seems like an unbridgeable gap to me, and while there's certain behaviors that are worth eliminating on the path like negative self-talk or ruminating on the past, I don't see how that leads to forgiveness. There's even a part of the book that talks about how the people reading it might be thinking, "Ah, but you're wrong. See, I actually am that bad," but didn't really answer how to escape that trap. Stop focusing so much on your partner and begin expending some of that same energy on your own feelings. Don’t spend so much time analyzing the behaviors of someone whose behavior has nothing to do with you. Instead, explore the ball of dread and numbness in your own body.” It’s not your job to manage the emotions of others. It’s an exhausting role that may offer temporary bursts of self-worth, but ultimately will drain the life out of you.

Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie, Shannon Thomas - Waterstones Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie, Shannon Thomas - Waterstones

There is really only one way to diminish the protective self: stop feeding it. Instead we need to feel what’s there when we don’t indulge it.” England, 1947. Ellie Montford is sent to boarding school by her cold and distant parents, joining her best friend’s family on their farm for the holidays. She forges a bond with her friend’s brother, Simon, who promises to marry her – but childhood promises may not last…Tara Brach and many other Buddhists teach a great mindfulness method called R.A.I.N., which stands for “recognize, allow, investigate, and nonidentification.” These steps allow you to recognize when a new uncomfortable emotion is experienced, and allow that emotion to be experienced (rather than trying to make it go away). The more time you spend investigating it with kindness, the more in tune you become with your body, rather than constantly splitting onto a different wavelength. It doesn’t feel good, but that is okay, because you are able to start un-identifying with it. Yes, it is real, but it is not necessarily true. There is no need to leave the task of reading comprehension solely up to your memory. I keep my notes in Evernote. I prefer Evernote over other options because 1) it is instantly searchable, 2) it is easy to use across multiple devices, and 3) you can create and save notes even when you’re not connected to the internet. In Chapter 1 of Atomic Habits, I wrote: “Learning one new idea won’t make you a genius, but a commitment to lifelong learning can be transformative.” With clear writing it covers everything you’d need. Outlines on what constitutes a toxic relationship, what defines it? You might be surprised at some things. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, sibling, partner it still does the same damage to your body and mind. Science has proven the dangerous impact on health, mental health and actual brain changes that occur. I am noticing my protective self now. It takes me a bit to realize why I am acting how I am, but at least I am in the stage of realization now.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your

The problem with shame is that we have absorbed incorrect conclusions about ourselves, based on the past actions or reactions of a trusted loved one. These conclusions tend to be quite intense and persistent, with a nagging voice that they are the ultimate truth, and anything else we tell ourselves is just a lie to make ourselves feel better. People cannot go from abusing and manipulating you one day, to magically being healed a week later. This is simply impossible. Especially when this change occurs as a response to possible abandonment or rejection, there’s just no chance this is authentic change.” Additionally, revisiting great books is helpful because the problems you deal with change over time. Sure, when you read a book twice maybe you’ll catch some stuff you missed the first time around, but it’s more likely that new passages and ideas will be relevant to you. It’s only natural for different sentences to leap out at you depending on the point you are at in life. This doesn’t happen on purpose, it’s just a coping mechanism when a trusted loved one rejects or harms us in a very confusing way. Even if we point our fingers and say, “No, you’re bad!” the damage is already done. The core belief lives inside of us, and no matter how many people tell us we’re good, we don’t believe it.Toxic shame is the feeling that we are somehow inherently defective, that something is wrong with our being. Guilt is “I made a mistake, I did something wrong.” Shame is “I’m a mistake, something is wrong with me.” At the core of our wounding is the unbearable emotional pain resulting from having internalized the false message that we are not loved because we are personally defective and shameful. —ROBERT BURNEY” Walking the reader through tools to use, how to identify your protective self, how to deconstructe that protective self, the author leads us to identifying and healing the core wound that has kept us tied to false beliefs about ourselves. Perfectionists use it to become what they think an ideal spiritual person should look like, eternally seeking to be “good enough” for spiritual love.

Book You Read - James Clear 7 Ways to Retain More of Every Book You Read - James Clear

Shame itself is not inherently a bad emotion. Shame can be helpful to identify when you’ve done something wrong and motivate you to reconcile it (and avoid doing it again in the future). The problem is when shame goes from an emotion to an identity. Instead of “you’ve done something bad,” the message becomes “you are bad.” This is toxic shame, and this is how we end up rejecting our true selves. Mindfulness helps us become aware of our default thinking patterns, so we can start to realize how we think. The goal is not to try to stop thoughts or feelings we don’t like, but instead to allow them to be there—without judging, changing, or avoiding them. This lets you build a friendly, curious relationship with the stuff going on inside your body and mind, even the stuff that feels awful.You read the same book, but you never read it the same way. As Charles Chu noted, “I always return home to the same few authors. And, no matter how many times I return, I always find they have something new to say.” 6 Choosing a book that you can use also provides a strong incentive to pay attention and remember the material. That’s particularly true when something important hangs in the balance. If you’re starting a business, for example, then you have a lot of motivation to get everything you can out of the sales book you’re reading. Similarly, someone who works in biology might read The Origin of Species more carefully than a random reader because it connects directly to their daily work. 2 I found solace in knowing that the actions of others not necessarily have something to do with me but with their internal struggle. As someone who left a very toxic, manipulative and abusive relationship, knowing that I wasn't at fault in some things that happened really helped me move past it.