The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss

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Whether it is pastoral care for the bereaved, discussions about the afterlife or being called out to perform the last rites, death is part of the Reverend Richard Coles' life and work. But when his partner, the Reverend David Coles, died, shortly before Christmas in 2019, much about death took Coles by surprise. For one thing, David's death at the early age of 43 was unexpected.

The “unwelcome” attention was often part of media being its tabloid self. There were also floods of sympathy, concern, and love. Barbaric nastiness as well, with the usual homophobes and fundamentalists coming out of the inquisitorial woodwork to write in condemnation or, God knows how, expressing joy in David’s death. Coles wrote about some of this on social media, leading — not due to his request — to a police inquiry. Words, kind as well as callous, do have consequences. Coles is still adjusting to the quietness of a household that has recently halved in size. David’s death at 42 was unexpected, the result of an underlying health condition that had caused internal bleeding. When he was rushed to A&E in an ambulance for surgery, Coles assumed it was just another day; he had a carol service that evening to prepare for. But David never recovered from the operation.

Well, the touring goes just fine until Mr. Magikoo kills his wife. OK, OK, it was an accident, having to do with electricity and lightning, but still. So he continues touring with his young daughter right up until the time he wanted her to walk between some swinging knives mechanism they dubbed the Sweeney Todd, until his sister, Jane's Aunty Ada, put a stop to THAT, you better believe it! The events cover a mere several days, but their impact is Titanic on the lives of those in Jane’s immediate circle. Jane seems to be the only one who is sure about who she is, yet it is her life and the changes in her perception of those who surround her, that are the focus of the book. During their 12 years together the couple travelled a lot, favouring cruises. They accumulated dogs and wound up with five in total. Telly nights at home would involve a lot of heated bartering, as Coles recalls. “I liked football. He liked Ugly Betty. I was allowed Match of the Day but he wanted two Ugly Betties in return. I remember having a terrible row with him once because I wanted Train To Busan, which is a particularly gory South Korean zombie movie, and I had to give him Legally Blonde for the second week in a row in exchange.”

Moving and candid, this book will resonate with anyone who has lost a loved one, or has had to cope with someone they love whom they just cannot help— I NEWSPAPER A bit rich coming from you, you may think, but Christianity does not offer you a palliative or an escape from this. On the contrary, it insists on the fact of death; without it, there’s no hope of a new life beyond that last horizon. For some that means Aunt Phyllis and the family spaniel bounding towards them across the springing meadows of eternity to greet them. For others, me included, it conjures no cast of best-loved characters, no misty shore, or flowery field, but something more like geometry. A memoir of love and loss, The Madness of Grief is one clergyman's account of losing his partner of 12 years and coping withthe tragedy of bereavementafter his death. Such a moving, tough, funny, raw, honest read. The beautiful articulation of Richard's grief will be a comfort to so many— MATT HAIG I want to thank the author for making something beautiful and sharing it with me and others who will hopefully find this book. I was in a dark place when I began the story, but I find myself in a totally different state of mind after finishing this story.

He started jotting down impressions almost as soon as David died, he says, “writing out of the chaos, a little like a war correspondent – that’s how I felt, like I was standing on a street corner and there were bombs going off and I was writing down what was happening. It was a way of trying to endure it. Because something like this is almost unendurable. And you do what you have to do.” For man who has chronicled his own tempestuous journey so poignantly in two volumes of memoir, witnessed so many of his friends succumb to AIDS, had personal encounters with depression, and is such a skilled observer and commentator, it’s no surprise that Coles has recorded the events of his husband’s death and the first year of his own agony with such style and craft. The Madness of Grief is honest, beautiful, and compelling. But it’s not a guidebook, nor some clerical or first-hand manual on how to deal with the numbing ache of bereavement. The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss, by The Reverend Richard Coles (Weidenfeld & Nicolson, April 2021) Deeply moving . . . has an immediacy that is not born of long reflection and it is all the better for it— FINANCIAL TIMES That said, there are a number of very amusing anecdotes and his writing style is warm and friendly. It was like tectonic plates were crashing all around me”, he says, while eating a chocolate digestive. (“Dark of course, why anybody would take milk chocolate when dark is available is beyond me.”)

Change the plan you will roll onto at any time during your trial by visiting the “Settings & Account” section. What happens at the end of my trial? He lived with his partner David, who was also an ordained priest, until the latter’s death in December 2019. This book covers that short period of time between when it became obvious David was dying to his funeral in January 2020, with brief allusions to the following months. Faith in God is a constant thread which is written and woven, implicitly and gorgeously, into the textI am not going to tell you any of the secrets, because that would spoil the whole thing for you. But remember that it is a book about secrets and identity, and realness and fantasy, grief and recovery, and what masquerades as fantasy often is a disguise for despair. I have very recently had an unexpected and sudden death in the family. My head has not been in a great place, and I found I could not concentrate on anything to read. I reached for this because I wanted a shared experience with someone who would understand, and this book was either going to make or break me.