The Unexpected Joy of the Ordinary: In Celebration of Being Average

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Is there anything better than a self help book that just reinforces you're doing everything right (aka, stamps approval on your personal beliefs)? Well, probably a holiday in Bali is better, but you don't get many of those, whereas the pleasure of a self help book agreeing with you is there for the taking. The point of this book is to appreciate the small ordinary things in life because, you know, there's a lot of them in our daily lives, and if we ignore them in favour of always wanting the holiday, the bigger house, the better car, we will spend our time miserable and unsatisfied. Make your own satisfaction, actually appreciate what you've got and what's around you, and use the strength that brings as a springboard to change the things that actually do need changing. Thankfully, modern life isn’t nearly so dangerous. But evolution moves slowly, and your amygdala is still scanning for threats. The author, for instance, often feels threatened when she finds herself in busy subway stations. The reason is simple: her amygdala is warning her that there are no plants or water sources around, so she might have a problem finding sustenance. In other areas, she oversimplifies complicated feelings in her attempts to prove that you just need to paint a silver lining on hardships. She writes,

When I’d heard the news of his death, I had folded over and dropped my phone of the floor, as if right-hooked in the stomach by loss. I lay on the kitchen tiles, as expected, dominated by the overlord of bereavement.” The layout of this book was awkward to read. I stopped reading the “Odes to…” because they were tiringly descriptive and added nothing of value to the book. I found them a bit odd, and their sunny disposition was polarizing compared to the author’s otherwise bitter tone. They were also detached from the chapter goals. In recovering, I learned how to mine the wonder in the workaday. Simply by doing one thing. Writing at least five gratitudes, daily. (I nearly put myself to sleep writing that last line.) Gratitude-ing has been so done to death it has become clichéd. Yet it was one of the most transformative daily practices I’ve ever adopted. And one night, I got into a bathtub with a kitchen knife at 3am, inconsolable, and willed myself to do something. I lay there for an hour, until the water was goosebump cold. For that hour, I existed in between two worlds; not wanting to live, yet not being able to do what was necessary to die. I particularly liked the observation that the best way to cope with something non-horrific going badly wrong is to think how you'll tell it as a funny story afterwards. Again, this is because I 100% agree. Some of my favourite holiday memories with my husband are exactly this, things going ludicrously wrong, and the pair of us laughing till we cried. Do not ask me about the toilet incident in Mumbai station, or Escape from the Noto Peninsula.Here’s a question, then. Should you beat yourself up for focusing on the bad? Well, maybe that’s not your fault. The devastating truth is that evolution has primed you to be relentlessly negative.

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of the self-help genre. I’ve read how to not give a f*** with Manson, understood the ways of a calm life with Fearne Cotton and even tried finding the clothes that spark joy with Marie. However, admittedly, nothing hit the mark as well as Catherine Gray’s The Unexpected Joy of the Ordinary; a book that puts into practice the ways to find the pleasure in the ordinary and understand the psychology behind our need for the extraordinary— or just more. She made it her mission to learn how to be default happy rather than default disgruntled - RADIO 4 - WOMAN'S HOUR She made it her mission to learn how to be default happy rather than default disgruntled – RADIO 4 – WOMAN’S HOUR Say a relationship ends; now I know he’s a cheater. Or if a boring but reliable source of income vanishes; now I can pursue something that doesn’t turn my brain into a narcoleptic. Having to move house; a new town becomes my oyster.” Interesting and joyful. Lights a path that could help us to build resilience against society's urging to compare life milestones with peers - LANCET PSYCHIATRY

Our brains are naturally negative

You spend the rest of the night focusing on your shortcomings. But what about all the good things your boss said? Well, you hardly give them a second thought. But why are we so negative? The answer lies in our evolutionary past, and a region of our brain called the amygdala. There are many movie examples used in this book and as a reader I find it lazy. The forced links between movies and ideas reminded me of last-minute high school book reports.

Often when we’re younger, we’re told that getting to a certain level will make us happy. Or achieving a certain goal. Or having a stable marriage, relationships, children…you get the picture. The concept of this book - re-enchanting the everyday - is completely and utterly fabulous. Catherine analyses, summarises and presents a wealth of compelling research in support of the book's main thesis which is that, the best kind of joy is to be found in the everyday moments of our everyday lives. I really loved the concept and the manageable way in which the book breaks it down into a variety of specific segments for example 'ordinary living' and 'ordinary loving'. I think this book will offer some comfort and inspiration for anyone who has felt the pressure to reach a certain (likely socially constructed) milestone in their life as well as anyone who finds the frenetic pace of our modern and tech-driven lives somewhat overwhelming. I certainly found this an empowering read and there were many moments when I just wanted to let out a huge YES (and did in fact give myself a mental fist bump!) because I identified so strongly with the issue being discussed and the consequent feeling of being less alone is a rather lovely one.In the book, we’ll combat this negativity bias, and look at all the reasons to be positive instead.