The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience

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Because if Rebecca couldn’t have parents, dammit, she could at least have chocolate cake—not to mention friends who understood the particular nuances of going through profound loss way before they expected to. And no one knows what will happen or when and we are poorly trained for it when it suddenly happens. I bought this book to read with my son who had lost his wife last year. We had read several others. (Kubler Ross on death and dying Life was never the same, Year of magical thinking. ). But this book is different. It is a handbook, a guidebook. It offers help in bite size pieces which seemed the perfect size for people in pain. Modern Loss is a global movement and platform of content, resources and community focused on eradicating the stigma around grief while also encouraging people to find meaning and live richly. THE MODERN LOSS HANDBOOK does just that by offering a welcoming space in which to grow thoughts and feelings as they evolve and create a personal roadmap toward resilience.

Think like a crab. Remember that if something isn’t resonating with you, you can always pivot and see what works better.” It’s hard to know what to say in the face of all this devastation, but it can be so much worse to say nothing at all. What I’ve witnessed, what I know to be true, is that storytelling is how we bring one another into our loss experiences and offer meaningful, powerful support. This means telling stories about our lost loved ones—that little joke they told so often that the rest of the family would start rolling their eyes upon hearing the first word, that thing they used to cook that somehow made everything OK, that time they messed up big-time and taught us an important lesson because of it, that special way they held us in their gaze. But it also means talking about our own suffering in the wake of that person’s death—the longing we feel when the nightly phone calls we’ve come to expect suddenly stop, the breakdowns in public settings, the moments we are completely focused on something else and then remember. Turn to a friend (either in person or online) who has experienced parental death. For example, the Modern Loss community hosts an international gift swap ahead of trigger holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and National Siblings Day. "People send each other gifts and a card to make the day less crappy," Soffer said. "When you give or create space for a community to form around a painful experience, really amazing things can happen." She said the project has led to many friendships, romances and business ventures. Know that grief isn’t linearAt the time, she had just earned her graduate degree and was working as a producer for "The Colbert Report" television show. "I was building and losing at the same time and it felt like this very tenuous space to live in," she recalled. I included a lot more information than I intended to, but I just couldn’t stop writing. There are so many things that work together to help somebody to build resilience when they’re moving through grief, whether that’s community support, individualized support, or personal reflection. In the end, this book is something that you really can use over the course of years. You don’t have to fill it all out in one sitting; it should be something that’s really part of your experience.

It doesn't make the pain go away. Nothing will. But it has offered many perspectives and tools for navigating a journey no one ever wants to go on. It has reminded me of what i knew but it is written in a way that is like having that perfect friend remind you and comfort you. In the section about staying connected to yourself I describe different types of traditional therapies, along with DIY therapies, creative therapies like music therapy, and even cathartic destruction, writing, and all the rest. The good news is, I tested them all. I went through the whole thing after I wrote it, and it was still germane to me 15 years after I lost my parents. Staying connected to the world around you is really vital because if you don’t stay connected to the world you feel like you’re losing yourself. You’re still in this world. That’s the section where I go very deep into the importance of navigating your social dynamics and friendships, because those are definitely affected when we’re dealing with loss. THE MODERN LOSS HANDBOOK is what author and Modern Loss cofounder Rebecca Soffer wished she had after her parents died. With wisdom gained from her own personal experience, expert advice, and insights from the global Modern Loss community, This book is for anyone who has lost their “person” or wants to give something meaningful and effective to someone who has. Rebecca’s warmth, wit and disarming humor make this an approachable and supportive companion at any stage of loss. Let’s face it: most of us can’t handle talking about death. We’re awkward and uncertain; we blurt out platitudes or say nothing at all; we send sympathy bouquets whittled out of fruit. Enter Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner, who can help us do better. This project grew out of two friends’ separate experiences with sudden loss, and their struggle to find resources that weren’t too clinical, overtly religious, patronizing or, frankly, cheesy.

The Modern Loss Handbook

Both of my witnesses were gone," Soffer, a mother of two who splits her time between New York and Massachusetts, told TODAY Parents. "I didn’t really have anyone to look to."

That might include putting together a resource kit, for those who need the tools to cope. It might mean assembling an employee discussion group, for those who need to talk things through. Or it could mean advocating for official company policies, such as paid bereavement leave. Having a purpose like that could give you some direction, in a moment of life which can often feel direction-less. REDUCE THE PRESSURE One moment managing, and going about the business of living, the next sobbing with a pain out of nowhere unable to breathe and then like the clouds parting, a wonderful memory and I am able to go on. And then it repeats. This book offers direct, practical, and funny advice on how you can live a life without your special person. The author talks about how to honor their memory, deal with triggers, and manage your career and relationships. The author shares everything she learned from her own experience with grief and from the experts she worked with across the spectrum of wellness and therapy, mental health, suffering, the arc of loss, and the incredible members of the Modern Loss community. The handbook also includes prompts, projects, exercises, and different ways that will help people deal with loss on their own timeline and without judgment.Surprisingly I noticed I was more aware of everything like the clarity and sweetness after a rain storm. In the book, you encourage readers to be in both the happy memories and the more complicated moments they may have shared with their person. Why was it important for you to emphasize both? It’s important to recognize that not every situation can be summed up by saying, “Oh, we had a great relationship and everything had closure.” Human dynamics are very complex. That’s why I make a case for remembering the tough stuff. When you remember it, maybe it can teach you some lessons about how you might like to live your own life. I certainly have takeaways from my own experience of losing my parents. Maybe it’s something that you realize you’re still struggling with, but you didn’t realize you were having a hard time until being asked a blunt question. At that point, you might like to speak with a therapist about it. If you work with the right therapist, and have the right conversations, and join peer to peer groups with people who really understand and are willing to listen to you, then you can really work through those tough things. It’s never going to be resolved with your person, because they’re dead. But you can resolve it with yourself to the best of your abilities by giving yourself the chance to examine it and sit with it. You deserve to live with as little weighing on you as possible. Grief over the loss of our daily lives, our perceived futures, the roles we could no longer easily access and the additional roles we didn’t anticipate taking on, the terrifying news cycles, the coping mechanisms and go-to rituals that now seemed out of reach. And, of course, grief over the deaths of our people, both during the pandemic and resurfaced from older losses. Julie Satowis a freelance journalist who writes primarily about real estate for The New York Times. She lost her brother to suicide when he was 20 and is a board member of The Jed Foundation. She’s currently working on a book about The Plaza Hotel. You can find her at juliesatow.com.