Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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Ein-Dor, T., & Hirschberger, G. (2016). Rethinking attachment theory: From a theory of relationships to a theory of individual and group survival. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(4), 223–227. Sagi, A., Koren-Karie, N., Gini, M., Ziv, Y., & Joels, T. (2002). Shedding further light on the effects of various types and quality of early child care on infant–mother attachment relationship: The Haifa Study of Early Child Care. Child Development, 73, 1166–1186.

Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms." Barker, M. (2011). Monogamies and non-monogamies: A response to “The challenge of monogamy: Bringing it out of the closet and into the treatment room” by Marianne Brandon. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26(3), 281–287. Polysecure are involved in the supply and design of flexible film products for the safe transfer of valuable items using Another chapter with more and deeper ways of looking at and using attachment theory in our lives. Fern refers to this as the "nested model," and builds the layers of attachment starting with ourselves, our relationships with others, our home, our local communities and culture, our society, and finally the global or collective connection. Again, this chapter could be skipped but it is well worth reading if you can spare the time and attention.

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Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(5), 971–980. All products are fully recyclable and as a responsible supplier we will discuss with you your design and as part of our Though the title of the book says it is for polyamory, it is actually useful for anyone who is in a romantic relationship. Fern has diagrams (I love diagrams and pointing at where I am on them), personal questions to ask yourself, and step-by-step tasks to improve yourself and your relationships over time. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help You Find–and Keep–love. Penguin. A practical guide to nurturing healthy, loving non-monogamous relationships using attachment theory.

Cubells-Serra, J., et al. (2021). Assumption of the myths of romantic love: Its relationship with sex, type of sex-affective relationship, and sexual orientation. Frontiers in Sociology, 6, 1–14. Brunning, L. (2018). The distinctiveness of polyamory. Journal of Applied Philosophy, 35(3), 513–531. but I'm going to guess they'd be equally straightforward and constructive, and likely helpful if you're relatively newly navigating multiple relationships, and/or have come acropper and want to revisit/reflect. Ein-Dor, T. (2014). Facing danger: How do people behave in times of need? The case of adult attachment styles. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 1452. Garner, C., Person, M., Goddard, C., Patridge, A., & Bixby, T. (2019). Satisfaction in consensual nonmonogamy. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 27(2), 115–121.I think maybe one of the most personally interesting/useful things I also took away from what I read was that attachment styles are not necessarily static/fixed, which kinda confirmed something that had been on my mind since hearing folk talk in these terms... *and* that you can fall into different styles within/in response to different relationships/how others behave within the relationship. that was I think the most relevant and timely to me at the time. Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696. Waters, H. S., & Waters, E. (2006). The attachment working models concept: Among other things, we build script-like representations of secure base experiences. Attachment and Human Development, 8(3), 185–197. Ka, W. L., Bottcher, S., & Walker, B. R. (2020). Attitudes toward consensual non-monogamy predicted by sociosexual behavior and avoidant attachment. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00941-8 Mohr, J. J., Selterman, D., & Fassinger, R. E. (2013). Romantic attachment and relationship functioning in same-sex couples. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60, 72–82.

Fern is a therapist who specializes in nonmonogamy, and who is actually nonmonogamous herself. That goes a long way in establishing the kind of trust that's necessary for the reader. She is mostly operating in the theoretical here and the book is not heavy on real-life examples, but what she shares is so practical that it doesn't really need them. Sometimes Fern will tell us about a client's story or share one of her own, but she doesn't get bogged down in it.

How to cultivate attachment

Of course, I couldn't wait to get to the second and third sections, which were particularly oriented to polyamory. It was these sections however, that I found to be less than what I had hoped for. Perhaps I've just been reading too much poly literature and am (to misuse the term) polysaturated in terms of my reading. And perhaps the excitement that I felt in reading the first section, which I found so inspiring and personally actionable, led me to expect too much of the rest of the material. But I just found that there wasn't that much that was surprising or revelatory to me in the poly-specific sections, and what was there was a little bit repetitious. Since I was so clearly able to identify each of our attachment styles in the first section, (we're like the three bears of attachment), I guess I was hoping the latter sections would contain tips broken down specifically for A-B dynamics, B-C dynamics, A-C dynamics, et cetera. Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful.

Mikulincer, M. (1998). Attachment working models and the sense of trust: An exploration of interaction goals and affect regulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1209–1224. Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? I most loved how Fern dedicates space to discussing the importance of developing a secure attachment with ourselves. She writes about having a healthy relationship with oneself in a way that emphasizes how we can act as our own warm shelters to weather the storms of life, without framing this self-love in a trite or formulaic way. Fern offers specific strategies and actions we can take to tune into ourselves and enhance our relationships with ourselves, just as she provides tangible steps to strengthen the quality of our relationships with others. Klesse, C. (2006). Polyamory and its ‘others’: Contesting the terms of non-monogamy. Sexualities, 9(5), 565–583. While there have been several landmark books on polyamory, such as The Ethical Slut and More Than Two, and while there have been books on using trauma and attachment theory to understand how to navigate a wide range of interpersonal relationships, including different types of monogamous relationships, there have not been books using trauma and attachment theory to navigate having multiple partners.

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The final section specifically focuses on the self and applies her entire analysis of how we relate to partners to how we relate to ourselves. This is missing from most relationship books generally, and I certainly wasn't expecting it in a book about nonmonogamy. In light of Fern’s book, it was funny for me to re-read the part of my journal that covers the time when I pair-bonded with my other partner Angela, with whom I’ve also developed an attachment. In my recording of events, I was watching Michelle watching me watching Angela. What I was really watching, I realized on reading Polysecure, was our attachment: As I opened myself to feeling connected and secure with Angela, I didn’t want to damage the attachment I had with Michelle. Fraley, R. C., Heffernan, M. E., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2011a). The experiences in close relationships – relationship structures questionnaire: A method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. Psychological Assessment, 23(3), 615–625. Krahé, C., et al. (2018). Sensitivity to CT-optimal, affective touch depends on adult attachment style. Scientific Reports, 8(1), 1–10. Blakely, T. J., & Dziodosz, G. M. (2015). Application of attachment theory in clinical social work. Health and Social Work, 40(4), 283–289.