Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters

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But even the most ordinary arguments often mask feelings of greater significance. “Our deeper fears and frustrations, and the things we may find it difficult to express openly with each other can often express themselves in the domestic world,” writes Harrison. A row can be about the washing up, and also serve as part of an ongoing negotiation of the whole relationship. Jo Harrison is FLiP’s in house therapist. She is extremely experienced in working with individuals and couples, including partners who are separating. Jo previously practiced as a lawyer, before becoming a couple therapist. Jo has featured in The Times and The Saturday Times talking about the value of couple therapy and she has made appearances on ITV’s This Morning (the Relationship Clinic) and Marina Fogle’s The Parent Hood.

TRUE and FALSE What’s most interesting about cheating, says Real, isn’t why someone does it – that’s obvious (it’s exciting, it’s sexy, it’s a thrill). No: the interesting thing is why someone doesn’t do it. “Cheating is always selfish: it’s always about overriding what you should do. So if you’ve learned from it and moved on, then no, you won’t necessarily be a cheater again. But your partner might never feel 100% assured you won’t do it again. It’s important to understand that.” Marriage is just a piece of paper But there’s scope for personal growth for even the most evolved among us (what, after all, is more evolved than silently WhatsApping pictures of the overflowing bin to a friend as your eyelid twitches involuntarily?). I want to get better at conflict. I don’t expect to enjoy it, but like kale or exercise, tolerating the unpleasantness has long-term benefits. An online poll in 2012 suggested that couples who argue “effectively” are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who don’t. The people we live with thoughtfully foster our personal development daily, filling our favourite mug with WD40, piling washing in a mouldering heap Using sound advice and relatable case studies, Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why The Washing Up Matters offers practical ideas and imaginative ways of putting ourselves and our partners first. It has been described as the ‘indispensable guide to re-thinking our relationships’ while Susie Orbach calls it ‘Marvellous first aid for couples’. Separation brings with it so many complexities, from the practical to the deeply emotional. There are resources and groups to help you navigate this time, including:

What happens when we bring a child into our dance? Either we ensure that our children get a steady rhythm, or they get pulled in a tug-of-war between us. Perhaps they become our dance partner, and their other parent is excluded from the dance. Or perhaps they have to learn complicated steps to keep up with us. This can be confusing, and leave them preoccupied with the dance rather than the crucial work of childhood – that of play, and dreaming, and building a sense of themselves in the world. Before she trained as a couples therapist, Harrison was a divorce lawyer, which sounds like a pretty sharp career swerve. “I was obviously drawn to work with relationships,” she says. “I think I realised that I was in the wrong forum, because I was just much more interested in the relationship stuff. Often people get into the legal forum to deal with their relationship stuff, but it isn’t necessarily a very helpful way of dealing with it. I started training as a couples therapist thinking it would make me a better divorce lawyer, but it made me realise I didn’t want to do that.” My wife and I have had all these arguments and more – arguments about why things have been left where they have been left, arguments about togetherness and space, about decisions taken without consultation, or plans insufficiently diarised. TRUE and FALSE You should usually confess, but not always, says Abse. “If we’re talking about a one-night stand on a business trip, maybe it’s OK, and better not to share it with your partner. But if you’ve had a longer-term relationship with someone else and you never reveal it to your partner, you’re avoiding something. It’s going to leave you in a sad place because you’ll have lost that sense that you and your partner share your deepest feelings.” You have to agree on politics

Either it’s: My relationship partner loves me, and I can trust them because the things they do and say are constantly reinforcing that I’m seen, heard, respected, and cared for. My partner’s actions add up to the experience of feeling loved. Bread goes in, not on, the bread bin. I have basically lost this. The bread bin is now a mere bread display unit (much as the biscuit tin is now just a hiding place for stuff I’m keeping to myself). One parent, who is co-parenting at a distance after leaving an abusive partner, can have the final word: “In a nutshell, it’s been both the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t change it for the world and am such a better parent for it.” Resources for separated parents You might desperately want things to feel settled, but there are lots of new things to put in place. So slow down. It’ll take time (one to two years) for things to feel more resolved so allow yourself space for that.Couples can underestimate the impact that they have on each other as they switch between states of being together and being independent. Different attitudes to socialising, arguments about someone being on their phone, a row when one person gets home are not just “over-reactions”; they may actually be expressions of deeper sensitivities that need airing. “Why are you always on your phone?” may be a way of saying “I miss you” or “I need your help”. Sex – a.k.a an argument that’s difficult to have Don’t underestimate the power of saying sorry. Sorry can be broader than “I was wrong”; it can also be used powerfully to say: “I’m sorry I made you feel like that.” Most fights are horrible, but these entry-level spats, if you will, feel manageable. Buoyed by Harrison’s encouragement, I currently have five of my own, in various stages of their life cycle, on the go. I’m not sure what deeper truths they express, but they are: Remember to comment on the good things – it flags up what works for you. If you like it when your partner takes the bins out, tell them! The little things add up. Most long-term relationship failure is not the result of people of poor character doing a bunch of obviously abhorrent things to their partners. The much more common - and much less publicised - condition is that people fail to recognise how the so-called ‘little things’ in relationships add up over time, and often communicate one of two ideas.