NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

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That is very sad. Couples have come to me years after doing therapy for an affair. There has been no true stage of reconciliation that Drs. John and Julie Gottman would call “Attachment.” The unforgiving spouse remains bitter, but may try to hide it. The unforgiven feels a loneliness that he or she doesn’t understand; it may be that everything “looks” fine, but underneath there is still distrust, blame, or anger. Sometimes the initial emotions solidify and strengthen in the weeks and months that go by. But some other times they shift.

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When you share things you don’t talk about with your wife, you start creating a bond that is stronger than the bond you have with your spouse. The last thing that Jennifer wants to realize is that 10 or 15 years down the road, Sam says, “You know, I never really forgave you for that affair. I want a divorce.” Or he might never say those words, and simply act it out passive-aggressively. Unfaithful partners often suppress or gloss over any detail that is inconsistent with their values and wedding vows. Defensiveness can turn into openness -which is good- or into aggression. And ambivalence can turn into decision paralysis or full clarity.He tells himself his partner “deserves it”, or he convinces himself that his relationship is dead. It often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as he withdraws more and more from his relationship. The Stages of Revelations If it makes you feel better, some of those lies might have also been aimed at shielding you and rescuing the relationship. When asked “how could you do that” they have a little answer because, well… They meticulously avoided anything that would help them answer that question. Haan-Rietdijk, S. D., Gottman, J. M., Bergeman, C. S., & Hamaker, E. L. (2016). Get Over It! A Multilevel Threshold Autoregressive Model for State-Dependent Affect Regulation. Psychometrika, 81(1), 217–241. doi: 10.1007/S11336-014-9417-X

The Sweeney: Pay Off (ITV 29 Nov 1976, with Geraldine James)

The signs are indicative and there is no surefire way to tell that someone is having an affair. Some people are very, very good at lying and compartmentalizing lives. The boundaries shift slowly and it’s hard if at all possible, to pinpoint a specific moment when the friendship starts becoming too intimate.Geraldine James takes centre stage as Shirley and there is another foray into straight acting for Dave King as the mean Drake.

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Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182It is best if the couple can wait and only talk about the affair in the therapist’s office. But some people just can’t wait, so we would suggest that they limit, perhaps even by strictly scheduling, the time that they talk about it. Each would need to agree that they will refrain from using the four horsemen during those conversations. This structure helps prevent emotional explosions or from the affair gaining any more power than it already has, while also honoring the need for healing. It’s indeed possible that while working at it, the couple re-discovers deep feelings about each other and enjoy a new honeymoon time. That makes her susceptible, even unconsciously looking for, an emotional bond and a sexual release. To make the process smoother, show your partner that you will not use any information against him. And don’t highlight his previous lies.