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Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

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You think you have your children sorted. You got them through GCSEs and A levels, off to university perhaps, or into employment, then – after they brought home a few bad ’uns – settling with a partner and starting their own family. Along the way you might have had some advice from parenting experts such as Penelope Leach, the National Childbirth Trust, fellow mothers at the school gate, siblings or friends. My own family also has unsolved negligence in similar scenarios. Sometimes I cry and cry. So I’m not writing with the gift of perfect wisdom – but to share compassion and also to share the best approach I have learned so far, which is to try something like this: I have always been a single parent, but when my husband died 7 years ago, I became the only parent to my two children. They were fortunately both able to go to university and study to be Chartered Accountants. They both passed and are currently doing their Articles. During that time though, I had to sell our property and made the unfortunate decision to buy a property jointly with my neighbour. The main reason I bought this property jointly, was because it had a separate flat area for my kids after they finished studying. I knew that they wouldn’t be able to afford their own accommodation so made yet another sacrifice in buying with a virtual stranger (whom I thought I knew at the time). Turned out that he is a complete Narcissist and made impossible rules for my children to adhere to. But, then also, the kids did not keep their space clean although they insisted on paying rent and paying for their own domestic worker to come once a week. Doing Life with Your Adult Children helps you navigate this rich and challenging season of parenting. Speaking from his own personal and professional experience, Burns offers practical answers to the most common questions he's received over the years, including: Sometimes we just have to take it as wisdom gleaned from years of practice and not a scientific study. Sometimes that's the best we can do. ;)

With the help of my parents, financialy and emotionaly my children finished thier college and 2016 my father died. Be a sounding board for adult children.Create an atmosphere in which your children always feel like they can talk to you, says Cynthia White, a Canadian-based freelance writer with a 29-year-old daughter and 32-year-old son. “Adult children will not always be asking for advice, but rather, just asking for a sounding board,” White says. And, in addition to keeping the lines of communication open, keep a poker face when they dotalk to you about stuff that makes your skin crawl, she adds. You can choose the pain of self-discipline or the pain of regret." That's true not only in young adults learning financial stability, but also in others areas of life as well. Dieting comes to mind.My adult 37 year old daughter, bought a condo with me when my husband died suddenly. Sharing the cost of living expenses has allowed both of us, some financial freedom when other wise we would both really struggle. Thank you for shedding light that enabling will only add to all of our unhappiness in the long run.

The first thing I'd like to say to parents reading this book is "Love ... always hopes." - 1 Corinithians 13:7. I’m sharing this, knowing that life and family and love do not operate via formulas – we can’t just follow Script A to guarantee Result B – I’m sharing because we are all in this together and we can learn from the experience of others… But being the mother of adult children turns out to be something very different from the butterfly-strewn fantasy in which your sons, daughters, their partners and children gather eagerly and regularly for family meals with you at which your every input is welcomed, your politics accepted, your friends respected, and your standing as a family elder is assured. Instead, many women hitting this stage of life are experiencing conflict. How to do life with your adult children I am mad at my partner because he seems to not have a problem with it. I have a problem with it especially when it comes to how he treats her and how he treats my kids an I. It’s like he wants to throw stones and I am consistently trying to make changes for not just myself but with my kids so we can all make this work but I feel like I am the only one who is acting like the adult around here. He doesn’t feel like he needs to make changes. I love my adult daughter very much! We were close until she turned 23. We did everything together and we showed love and respect for each other.

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I took time to inwardly focus on how much I love her and how much I wish for her. Then I talked to her with as much intensity and gentleness as I could, telling her the story about the day she was born, and how I burst with love and commitment for her, and what my wishes and hopes were for her then and now. I didn’t say anything about the matters which had been in contention. She cried and said, “Now I don’t even feel like keeping that plan…” and I won’t ramble about details, but there was a change. Speak words of grace. Leave loving messages without advice. Text positive statements. Cheer them on. Reflect grace of God. Enabling behavior shields people from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior. Don't make it about you; make it about the health of the relationship." Well, the first part of this I'd unreservedly agree with. Good parenting is never "all about" the parent. But sometimes there are more important goals than the health of the relationship. I can understand turning that phrase on its head and preserving relationship to preserve influence for the more important things over time. But sometimes there are more important things than being well liked.

i don’t understand where i went wrong. ……after reading the definition of an overwhelming mother….may be that was what i was and am….I am seeking for help for me to have better relations with my daughter. Any suggestions will be appreciated. Thank youNo matter what the situation, be persistent in pursuing a relationship with your adult children, recognizing that you may be closer to some of them than others. If your child is completely ignoring you and you’ve already attempted to ask why you may need to give them time and space. Don’t take it personally, and consistently express your desire for a relationship when they’re ready. Adult Children Who Disrespect Their Parents Doing Life with Your Adult Children helps you navigate this rich and challenging season of parenting. Speaking from his own personal and professional experience, Burns offers practical answers to the most common questions he's received over the years, including: At lunch 80% momentum: I have total faith in our love and in our wonderful family”. 20% intensity: We need you. When tough things happen we need YOU. I’ve probably never said this, and I’m not sure I’ll succeed now in communicating this to you – but the kind of words and actions that would help us include: (call.. send card.. etc) If you don't give them respect, it pretty much guaranteed they will close the door on your guidance."

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