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Eliza recounts a story from her first year in college. “I was with my boyfriend in his dorm room. His roommate was away for the weekend (or so we thought). I’m under the covers giving him a blow job and having a good time. I don’t even hear the key turn in the door or anything— all of a sudden I just hear his roommate talking.” Having never seen one before, and being naturally curious, they start sniffing around it. As they’re doing this, one of their tails brushes against the lamp and then there’s a ‘Poof!’ sound.’ A genie is suddenly standing in front of them.

The author of this tweet @phantomparades shared her own experience. Three years ago, she was dealing with a customer that had an attitude with how she folded the clothes. The buyer asked her to stop and @phantomparades assumed that “she would fold them herself like she said she would. Instead, she asked ‘are you gonna help me?’” John, who is ironically a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, shares: “My wife and I went out with some friends for bowling and beer. We both had a little too much to drink.” However, that didn’t stop him from initiating intercourse with his wife that night. “I was happily pumping away with a full bladder. I began to feel the urge to ejaculate (or so I thought in my half drunken stupor). The problem was that I was peeing instead of ejaculating.” 5. Caught in the act The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”I was very confused and told her I would open the door and to make sure she was dressed. When I came she was blushed to the maximum sitting on the floor. The whole bath tub was full of liquid vomit thinned with water and tons of fruit swimming around. She went on about how she wasn't able to clean the mess up alone. Apparently she had been trying to shovel the whole tub full of vomit into the toilet using her hands the whole time. The s**t you do when drunk lol. The bath tub was clogged up with fruit so it didn't empty. Once again, you came up with some fantastic ideas on social media about What to Read After Horrid Henry.Here are some of the recommendations we received... To my knowledge, she is completely unaware. Today, I am living my amends to her by being faithful and placing my sex life on to a spiritual plane. My poor bestie got in big trouble for embarrassing the hell out of her when she was trying so hard to get my father to choose her over the other woman. Her mother convinced my father to punish me for daring her daughter to do that, even though her daughter was the one who wanted this to happen. This said after she complained about a tarnished penny I’d given her in her change that I’d switched out for a newer shinier penny at her request. Why would I steal one penny? 3. A reverend said this?!?!

Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk) The one whose experience happened during a time of alcoholism…At the end, I’m running their cards through when one of the men approaches me and starts hitting on me. He asks if I’m single and, disregarding the obvious fact that he’s trying to boink the waitress while appearing to be on a date, I say “No, I’m sorry, I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite a while now” with a friendly smile. He looks at me with a blank face and goes “Well, there goes your tip.” 19. “I tip based on the size of your…”

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. My best friend's mother's eyes go wide as f**king saucers and I swear I saw smoke coming out of her ears as she starts screaming at her daughter, pulling her head out of the toilet and wrapping her hair in one of my towels. At this point I'm f**king crying and struggling for air because all of this is the most f**ked up hilarious s**t that I have ever witnessed in my short life. Her mother screams at me in this high pitched, enraged voice to shut up because it's not funny and I have to leave before she tries to kill me too. Had a party when I was about 15, more jelly and ice cream than shots and going wild as we were fairly sheltered. Somebody brought along their friend, who looked a similar age to us (quite short) but he was actually 23 at the time. He brought along a bottle of vodka and proceeded to drink 3/4 of it within a couple of hours, we're talking 7pm here. Nobody else at the party was drinking at all, just chilling and playing MTG. He proceeded to ignore the two different bathrooms and went into the kitchen, where my parents were trying to avoid cramping my style, and vomited into the kitchen sink all over the plates, and then left without saying anything or helping to clean up. This is an outrageously funny series featuring the most quirky, eccentric characters that are bound to delight children who love gloriously silly details and horrible baddies,' she said. 'Hilariously illustrated, they really are marvellous, madcap adventures.' Your suggestions

Earlier this year, a friend of mine was getting harassing calls from a man. Apparently, a woman (let’s say her name was Monica) had given him her number when they met at a bar, so this man kept calling and asking for Monica. My friend is not Monica, nor is there a bar by that name anywhere near where she lives. No matter how many times my friend told him he had the wrong number, he refused to believe her. He was determined that she was Monica and that she was just playing hard to get. Eventually, he started getting nasty and made threats. The first Horrid Henry book was published in 1994, and the series has been a dominating force in children's books ever since. Did you know that Horrid Henry books are the fifth most borrowed books in UK public libraries, adult titles included? More: Insane date story involving poop will make your bad dates seem amazing 4. An unfortunate accident The following day, he went on facebook and made a number of very cruel personal comments about me, and then when I rang him in tears to tell him to take it down and that he should apologise for the mess he'd made of the kitchen (which I'd had to clean up) he recorded the conversation, uploaded it to youtube and then made great efforts to distribute it on reddit and across facebook. No idea why his embarrassment at being a drunken a** evolved into being a bully, but it's been 10 years and I still avoid him if I bump into him in the street. Psycho creep. Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

My roommate had a friend who was akin to Lennie in Of Mice and Men, just not a smart guy, super slow, no idea how he made it through his teen years at this point. This guy is over all the time and constantly doing stupid s**t mostly while doing drugs or just not thinking ahead of time. Well, I had a cat that was sort of pushed on me by someone else because they couldn't look after it, so somehow after saying I would just look after it for 2 weeks, I end up just keeping the cat because the girl who said it was temporary was a liar. This cat is growing up nicely but it is strictly an indoor cat. We are next to a major roadway, it wasn't a great part of town, and I just didn't want the cat going out anyways. Anyways, this dumb f**k that is my roommates friend ends up getting high on mushrooms and starts trying to tell me how it was horrible to cut the cat's balls off. I am like WTF are you talking about, we had to get the cat fixed, he then proceeds to let the cat out later that night saying he was free from the evil tyranny of my grasp or something. Guess f***ing what, the cat got run over. F**k you Charlie. I grabbed some stuff from the kitchen. She unclogged the bath tub with some tools. We filtered our the fruit with a sieve and drained and cleaned the bath tub. Well mostly me as she fell asleep on the floor during the process. Welp. Mercifully, someone offered her a ride home since she’d walked over. I’d never felt so uncomfortable in my own home due to someone’s well-intended gestures. If you’ve been searching for some short funny stories for adults then here are five that will raise a smile, I’m sure.Lost my friend of 30 years over this: He brings a woman over for a small get-together. She encourages my pregnant wife to drink, asks our friend if she's bisexual (she's not). She comes into the kitchen, grabs knives and pretends to stab everyone while doing knife katas. This is my favorite story of waiter revenge from my personal history, but at the same time, it’s a cautionary tale. It takes a lot to push most people over the edge and make them do things they normally pride themselves on not doing, like food tampering. But it can be done. So the next time you call someone a cunt because they didn’t serve you fast enough, keep it in mind. Mind you I paid extra attention to his table because he’s the owner. After telling him that he needed to be a little more patient because I was the only server and it was very busy he said that if he was a paying customer he’d make me pay for the meal and then said something like he couldn’t believe I could tie my shoes in the morning considering how bad I was at serving. I told him to fire me then and he balked. I worked there for another year without a word from him. 8. WTF is it with some customers?