Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

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For probably over thirty years—since I was old enough to know I needed them—I’ve been looking for my people. As an introvert, there were a few key takeaways from the book about putting myself out there and making an effort to build my village, but there weren't enough takeaways for me to recommend this book to others unless they fall into that small group I think would benefit from this group. Interestingly, years later, I actually didn't reach out to her directly. I reached out to a mutual friend just to see how she was doing. I think we've just changed. That experience, I have to tell you, it was really one of the hardest things I had ever gone through and it was very confusing. The public and private search options that would allow you to locate a person in Wales are largely the same as they are in England. In some cases, you may find that newer records can only be accessed under specific circumstances. Fortunately, there are still a wealth of other options available to assist you in your Wales person search. Here are a few of the main avenues to consider: I respect Jennie Allen, but this book bothered my conscience at times. There was a large amount of biblical truth in this book, and her practical tools were helpful, but at times I felt like Jennie Allen was out of touch with her audience and, to be frank, insensitive and prideful. I had a few big issues with this book:

Confront the brutal facts about yourself that can draw in the wrong people and deter ‘your people.’ Do you harshly judge and criticize others? Do you gossip? Are you a people pleaser? Do you complain often? Alison: I know where we all get our ridiculous notions about what a romance should be, from various sitcoms and certain love songs. Where did you get all the input of what a friendship should be? Maybe also not the most useful input about what friendships should be and should look like.To find your people, Allen recommends saying a prayer to God. Close your eyes, and beg Him to help you find people that can join you in fighting against the dark. Pray to become God’s idea of community: deep, intentional, day-in and day-out connection.

We humans are meant to belong. We have an innate need for human connection, belonging, and community. It’s in our nature. And it’s almost just as important as survival. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, belongingness and love is listed right after the basic survival needs.The great thing is, the more people that you meet, I'm sure you've experienced this, the more people you meet who accept you for all of your weirdness and all the things about you that are maybe different, the easier it becomes to let the people go who don't? Just because some people like what you like doesn’t mean they’re “your people.” You may have to keep exploring your interests for awhile, and keep exploring groups who share those interests. But when you find people who seem like they can handle you, step in and help out. This type of genuine, deep, forever friendship can sound like a fantasy. But in fact, it’s exactly the type of relationship we’re geared for. Jennie Allen posits that God built us to need people. That’s because God Himself exists eternally in relationship –it’s the Trinity. God is one and three at the same time: Father, Spirit, and Son. Together, these three aspects of God exist to glorify one another. He is fundamentally relational. And as creatures fashioned after His image, we are too. Every stranger is a potential friend, as they say. I’ve always been really shy, but when I focused on doing the things I enjoy, I started to get less shy, at least about those things.

No, no, no. That's not it. When you find yourself questioning it a lot, when you find that it's painful a lot it's really time to reassess. That's not how friendships are supposed to feel. Now I've spent all this time worrying. This actually isn't the right thing. What I will say is, if you do want to talk about it, again leading with that vulnerability, I've had to have those kinds of conversations where sometimes it's as simple as saying, if you feel like they're open to it, and you're not making it awkward for both of you or something if they seem open to you and you're already talking just to say, "Hey, I just want to put this out there, no pressure, I know we're at a wedding. I'm not trying to dredge all this up in any way but I really miss you. I'm really sad that that happened to us. Maybe that was as far as our friendship will go and maybe you're totally fine but I just want you to know that I miss you and you're really important to me." The other weak point was on finding people that have time. Allen makes it sound easy to find people who will make time for you. No, she didn’t say that everyone you ask will, but she makes it sound easy. I personally know from experience that just finding people willing to make time can be one of the biggest challenges. I don’t think someone who is popular can understand this challenge well.Lane: For what it's worth to this caller, I have struggled so much with people pleasing and codependency. That is absolutely so much of this book is coming from that perspective of wanting to do things right and then finding yourself a bit more enmeshed than you want. I fully, fully relate to that so much. What I would say is because I know you're probably stressing about it, don't stress about it too much before the wedding. If you can. I know you're going to. I know you will. See how you feel that day because I know so often I want to formulate the right response. Who knows, you might get there and the vibe might be very strange and you're like, oh, this isn't the time. You know the ones—the people who get you, somehow; who are on the same wavelength. Some might even say the people who share the same brand of quirky, crazy, or oddness that you do. The ones who understand why you do what you do, or if they don’t understand, they either ask or they just accept, and either way is fine. I kept looking, following my heart into another group within the same larger community. This time, they seemed to genuinely accept me, to like me, to respond to me, to open up to me, and to both value me and appreciate that I valued them. And I did value them—I do. They’re a bunch of amazing creative, smart, motivated, fun, and genuine people. And it was like night and day. We don't want to give up on our friendships and we don't see friendship breakups in media. We don't show when a friend is a little bit crappy and makes you feel bad and you have this toxic dynamic. We don't show that because it's not fun to watch and it's not fun to live. If all we see is this really idyllic, we always get along. If we don't, there's only like one episode throughout six seasons where we'll talk about it. Then we're sitting there thinking, why don't I have this? Why doesn't it look right? Sure, I had friends and close family, and ended up successful in my career, but there was a kind of connection I was missing. Something where my particular gifts were treasured, and my particular sort of oddness was accepted and cherished; and where I felt safe enough to cherish and embrace the odd gifts of those around me.

There was an odd sense of people always keeping me at arms’ length. For several years, I decided that there was something wrong with me, which was why they didn’t seem to truly accept me. Lane: Has anyone said comfortable? It is a little uncomfortable. I say that because it's like I did write it from a place of that uncomfortability. It was really scary and I think that's really what I want to say. It did feel very scary to say, oh, I don't necessarily have my people yet, that didn't feel comfortable to say, it doesn't feel comfortable for us to say. I think that what helped me write about it even though it was wasn't comfortable was that when I wrote How to Be Alone , I was writing about all these things that I had never seen anybody talk about and I was very terrified. I was really worried people were going to be like, why didn't you have all these things that you're supposed to have through no fault of your own? People didn't do that. Then sometimes what happens is, you realize, oh, no, I'm still choosing the wrong people. There's still some things that need adjustment. I still need to bolster this. What's great about when you have that relationship with yourself and you have more of that self-love, is you're able to remind yourself that the information about your worthiness has been updated. You're able to sit there and make different choices and say, oh, actually, we don't have to tolerate this anymore. I may have done that five years ago but now I remember that I have value.

Try out new things and places, even if you’ve never tried it before. Local sports leagues, choirs, fitness classes, etc. Make sure to keep trying and don’t give up so soon. If something doesn’t feel right for you at first, give it some time or try something different. It takes time and it takes practice. Easy solutions to create true connections, strengthen relationships and curb loneliness. With scientific insights and biblical references, Allen shares ways to identify the type of friend you need, how to have authentic conversations and more. It’s a sweet map to joy and connection.” — Woman’s World