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Posted 20 hours ago

Living with the Dominator

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About this deal

Women are accused of ‘breaking the rules’. we may say ‘NO’!. We may say we are leaving. We refuse to have sex. We go to work. We make friends and go out to see them. It is worth pointing out that women do not actually know what the ‘rules’ are. They change constantly and what we think is a rule, ends up not being a rule. We don’t know what the right thing to say or do is and when we think we have worked it out, we are still wrong – hence the saying ‘Walking on eggshells’! Women should believe and accept all the excuses he gives us for his abuse’ – uses the ‘only’ word! It was ‘only’ a slap, blames drink, stress, YOU!

It is eye opening, informative, empowering, sometimes funny and often times sad, a lot concerning but also powerful, relieving, validating and insightful. The friendship and power that a group provides is invaluable. I did the Freedom programme during a work placement at a refuge. I think it has good and bad points to be honest. It is really good for showing victims the different tactics used by perpetrators as well as the effects on victims and children. The weekly groups also help give a mutual support system to the survivors.Women should stay at home and not have a life of their own’ – isolates us from our family/friends, stops us from working. If you're reading this and think, "it was ages ago", "I won't gain anything by talking about it", "it wasn't *that* bad".... please just give it a go. You have nothing to lose by trying. I thought all those things too but have now completed the course, created great friendships and am onto the next phase in the process. The book is good in that it is concise and informative. There are many elements of abusive dynamics that people rarely consider, and the links to wider society and how abusers' beliefs can become internalised in everyone were really interesting to me. It places a lot of abuse survivors' issues into context and highlights warning behaviours so you can protect yourself in the future. There are also some images that are vaguely funny but don't detract from the points, which is good.

I may be unfairly rating this book a 3 star but I think that’s because I was reading this from a slightly different perspective. From an unbiased perspective, this is an incredibly important and useful book and should be read by all women starting from college age so that they can avoid relationships with abusive men. I recognise a lot of characteristics of abusive men in this book that were present in men I have dated in the past- and I found that disturbing. The programme usually lasts for 11 or 12 weeks and is FREE. It provided by hundreds of agencies across the UK. Some of them are rolling so women can join at any time but this varies according to local needs, etc. If we look at this cycle, we can see that at no point is The Dominator actually angry or out of control. He is choosing his behaviour and is in total control of what he is doing and saying! A woman should provide services and act as an unpaid servant’ – does nothing around the house to help, Burn everything he cooks.

About the Freedom Programme

I published ‘Living with the Dominator’. I wanted to reach everyone who was unable to attend a Freedom Programme. I initially wrote the ‘Freedom Programme’ to educate women, girls, men and boys. Then in 2008 I published ‘Living with the Dominator’. I wanted to reach everyone who was unable to attend a Freedom Programme. This manual provides detailed instructions which are simple and easy to follow. This programme is aimed at men who have volunteered to attend and many of whom have never come to the attention of authorities. The programme, when provided as an intensive two day course, is also suitable for men, whether abusive and wishing to change their attitudes and behaviour or whether victims of same sex domestic abuse themselves.

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