NOW Thats What I Call Music! 4

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A really tough listen all the way through, Now 58 starts with a low-impact Kelly Clarkson song (“Piece by Piece”) and continues with a slew of artists’ lesser hits (“Roses” by the Chainsmokers, “In the Night” by the Weeknd, “Out of the Woods” by Taylor Swift, and “Middle” by DJ Snake) and also songs by G-Eazy (again!) and Bryson Tiller. No thanks! 59. Now That’s What I Call Music! 10 Also, how’s this for injustice: Both Zayn and Liam Payne appear on Now 67. In all, 10 solo efforts from former members of One Direction appear on Now albums, though none of those are songs by Harry Styles. I really thought he’d be the one to release the most music. Alas, “Sign of the Times” is not music. 61. Now That’s What I Call Music! 65 It’s strange: People are pretty rude about mumblerap, but I don’t remember anyone throwing their hands up about Mystikal yelling “Danger!” into a microphone over and over again. 32. Now That’s What I Call Music! 19 Chanté’s Got a Man” is a wildly rude song. The thesis of “Chanté’s Got a Man” is “Oh dang, it’s really too bad your boyfriend is cheating on you, but guess what: I’m in a very stable, rewarding relationship.” It’s just a whole bunch of boasting—all done in the third person—directed at a woman going through one of the hardest periods of her life. Chanté didn’t need to do this. 56. Now That’s What I Call Music! 66

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In this world you either crank that soulja boy or it cranks you— Soulja Boy Tell 'Em (@souljaboy) July 26, 2018 T35. Now That’s What I Call Music! 22 Once again: Music, in its most current state, is bad. Now 65, in particular, features a three-song run that paints a ghastly picture of recent popular rap, from G-Eazy’s “No Limit” to NF’s “Let You Down” to Post Malone’s “I Fall Apart.” Woof. 60. Now That’s What I Call Music! 58 The last two Now albums, nos. 66 and 67, include songs that were released after October 1, 2017, meaning they have not yet been eligible to be nominated for, and win, Grammys. In those cases, educated guesses were employed.

Daniel Bedingfield’s “If You’re Not the One”, a song you probably only barely remember, is on this album. I bring that up only to note that, yes, Daniel Bedingfield is Natasha Bedingfield’s older brother! I hope Natasha brags about being called music more times than Daniel at family dinners. 65. Now That’s What I Call Music! 35 The Temper Trap’s “Sweet Disposition” is on Now 34, which can mean only one thing: (500) Days of Summer played a major role in dictating what was called music in 2010. 53. Now That’s What I Call Music! 40 Hold On, We’re Going Home” is one of only two times that Drake has been called music (the other was “Best I Ever Had”). He is resoundingly the most popular musician of his generation—the crazy thing is that he doesn’t actually make music though. Speaking of Karmin, remember when Karmin was on Saturday Night Live? That was, um, interesting. The performance has mostly been scrubbed from the internet (which makes sense), but you can still read this breakdown by Vulture of all the absurd gestures Karmin made during it, which is probably better than actually rewatching the thing. 54. Now That’s What I Call Music! 34

Now That’s What I Call Music!’ Album, Ranked Every ‘Now That’s What I Call Music!’ Album, Ranked

I’m beginning to suspect that T-Pain has a problem interpreting the messages sent to him by various strippers. “I’m ’n Luv (wit a Stripper),” which appears on Now 22, is not the only song in which T-Pain documents his unrequited love for a stripper. The subject of “I Can’t Believe It,” whom T-Pain reportedly puts in a mansion somewhere in Wiscansin, is intimated to be a dancer. There’s also the song “Bartender,” and while it’s never specified whether this bartender is working at a strip club or just a regular bar, the dynamics of a relationship between a patron and a bartender and that of a patron and a stripper are similar enough to conclude that T-Pain has once again misinterpreted “working for tips” to mean “true love.” He and Wyclef Jean need to talk about this in group. 34. Now That’s What I Call Music! 57 It also, for some reason, has Juvenile’s “Slow Motion,” marking one of the only times Now correctly classified rap as music. More on that below … 8. Now That’s What I Call Music! 49 If we ever do a ranking called “Now That’s What I Call a Reality Show!” though, Jessica’s taking home the belt. 48. Now That’s What I Call Music! 23That “Incomplete” by Sisqó landed on Now 5 is the most solid evidence we have pointing to the Now religion including karma—it’s on there because “Thong Song” is not on Now 4, or any Now for that matter. That is a near-criminal act of erasure that cannot be forgiven. But tossing a meaningless also-ran on the next compilation is a nice way to say, “Hey, my bad, Sisqó.” 27. Now That’s What I Call Music! 24 But Ansel shouldn’t be so hard on himself. He was in The Fault in Our Stars, which popularized “Boom Clap” by Charli XCX. Ergo, Ansolo is so close to being music. 30. Now That’s What I Call Music! 46 It was very difficult choosing the most essential song off Now 6, which tells you why it’s ranked so high. In one corner you’ve got “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” by Jennifer Lopez, which was the subject of probably my favorite episode of Making the Video. In the next corner there’s Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open,” and may I just say WELCOME TOOOO THIS PLACE, I’LL SHOW YOU EVERYYYYTHANG. Then there’s “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, a song in which a man is caught literally having sex on the floor of a bathroom, and when that man asks Shaggy for advice, Shaggy just says, “Lie about it, bro.” Not helpful, Shaggy! She already saw me! Toxic” by Britney Spears is the best song and video Britney Spears has ever released, please do not @ me. Now 15 is an intriguing installment. Its Essential Score is 5.00, a relatively respectable rating on the higher end of a scale that ranges from 6.69 ( Now 48) to 3.13 ( Now 60). However, its Points Average sits at just 9.50 (the elite Now albums boast point averages in the upper teens). This means two things: That some of the album’s iconic songs surprisingly didn’t chart very well, and that the highs of the album were dragged down by much lower lows (I’m looking at you, “Everything” by Fefe Dobson). So before we move on, I’d like to give a couple of songs their due:

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Speaking of actresses making bizarre forays into the music world: Now 32 includes “Good Girls Go Bad” by Cobra Starship and Leighton Meester. That song is way better than “Cups,” by the way. 17. Now That’s What I Call Music! 21

The sound of a car turning signal has haunted me since the day “The Middle” was released as a Target commercial on January 28, 2018. Please make it stop. 55. Now That’s What I Call Music! 44

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I can’t really blame Now for this series of errors, though. The early 2000s were clearly messed up. We were a bunch of people running around barking at each other. Then when the barking stopped, we stopped listening. We as a culture need to take responsibility for our turn toward canine-related party jams, rather than hold Now accountable for its inability to predict that rather embarrassing phenomenon. 58. Now That’s What I Call Music! 15 Here are five reasons why I think “Somebody That I Used to Know” isn’t remembered so kindly, despite it not being that bad a song: If this was music in late 2016, then those months are truly the darkest days of American pop culture. 66. Now That’s What I Call Music! 13 A hot take: “Need You Now” is one of the best songs of the decade, across all genres; it’s probably top five. 15. Now That’s What I Call Music! 31Across 67 albums, only 14 songs received a perfect 10 in the Essential Score category. “Teenage Dream” is one of them, and because I don’t have much else to say about Now 36, now is a good time to do a mini ranking of all the most essential Now songs. Turn Down for What” is Lil Jon’s revenge on the Now god after it somehow determined that both “Get Low” and “Yeah!” were not music. In response to these truly harsh, obviously misguided snubs, Lil Jon clearly sat down with the then-unknown DJ Snake to make a song that was so music it would eventually drive everyone mad. 9. Now That’s What I Call Music! 16