The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

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Her "crash course" on boundaries simply consists of identifying the need, setting up boundary language, and enforcing it. The steps are clear but what is more challenging is the emotional discomfort that some people might have. This is because setting boundaries might become misconstrued as rude. Once the rationale for boundary setting is understood, readers will learn about: The truth is, when someone oversteps your limit, there is no comfortable solution. But one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness . . . and the other path is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, angry, and resentful. Melissa Urban’s latest is the “guidebook” on boundaries a lot of readers will find relevant and useful. It’s written in a manner that is easy to follow, understand and apply but it’s also relatable and enjoyable to read as she shares both personal examples, as well as those of the individuals she worked with. She explains what boundaries are, why they matter and how to set and uphold them in various contexts (from workplace to friends, family and relationships). I truly enjoyed reading this book, in part because it’s obvious this book was written by someone who has done and continues to do the work on themselves and their relationship, as well as someone who thinks deeply about how this book might be experienced from very different perspectives.

Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported. They provide a clear line between what we find helpful and harmful, so people don’t have to try to read our minds. They let us engage in relationships fully and openly, knowing we’ve clearly expressed our limits and made it easier for others to respect our needs. In fact, the best way to preserve a relationship often includes setting boundaries within it. These past three years have been a crash course in learning how to set boundaries that have been a requirement for my own and my family's mental and physical health. They have finally come into the spotlight as a form of SELF CARE. However, despite even helping my clients set them, I still struggle with putting my needs into clear, kind language. The chapters on workplace boundaries (chapter 3) and setting boundaries with parents and in-laws, grandparents and other family members (chapter 4) were quite relevant. I get where Nancy is coming from. We (especially women) are often told that it’s selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries: that setting them feels cold or punitive, like you’re building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors. Nancy liked her neighbor and wanted to have a good relationship with her. If this neighbor kept crashing her morning walks, Nancy was going to become resentful, then angry, and perhaps even lash out one morning out of sheer frustration. Setting a boundary here would be an act of kindness, allowing Nancy to care for her neighbor without putting her own needs on hold to do so.

Success!

The truth is when someone over steps your limit there is no comfortable solution. But one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness… and the other that is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, and angry, and resentful. The Book of Boundaries, pg 31 What a book! I am confident that there is something in there for you. You are worthy of putting yourself first.

Saying no, setting clear expectations and letting someone know that their behavior is unacceptable are a few of the everyday uncomfortable situations we encounter. Melissa shares the three steps to setting boundaries and her traffic light strategy (which I used for teaching many years ago, read about it here) is an easy way to get comfortable with such conversations. The steps of setting boundaries are: My only very minimal gripe is that I am still scared of some of these...confrontations (because some feel like it). Clearly, this is not the author's or the book's problem, but a sign of areas in which I need to work. However, it would be nice to have some tips on how to build confidence in the area of boundaries for these more difficult conversations. The Book of Boundaries is a treasure chest of knowledge! Words like ‘boundaries’ and ‘privilege’ have become a common part of our everyday talk and I love that Melissa started the book by linking them together and defining what a boundary is and what it looks like. Melissa shares her personal experiences as well as her clients stories throughout the book and I found numerous situations that I could relate to or see myself coming across. While it is not possible to prepare for everything that happens to us, I believe that thinking about some things in advance gives me confidence and some foresight. She suggests thinking about applying boundaries in three steps: green, yellow, and red, following our less-than delightful need for thought simplification. 'Green' ones are gentle ways we may try to redirect people, or state our needs. One of insights Urban brings is that boundaries are actually done with compassion: it is not unkind to tell someone (or yourself) 'no,' if it is in service of a higher good. And it can be done nicely, without being mean (those of you in the midwest can breathe easier). This, I think, is a telling example of how many of us have boundaries that we don't like enforcing when she discusses how 'soft' reactions are really bad attempts at making a boundary: My thoughts: 📱7% 44:08 Part One: Boundaries Beginnings: Ch. 1 A Crash Course on Boundaries - I thought this was going to be the same ol same ol, but she got real personal.Overall this is a pretty decent book on boundaries. The scripts in this book are gold and the primary reason it got 4 stars. In an effort to be understood, we have a tendency to overshare and over explain our decisions. I have done this many times in the past but it was only when Melissa laid out the consequences of such a move that I recognized that has happened to me too. I am learning to know my reasons for myself, particularly in situations where someone asks me to do something for them and I don’t want to. Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they’re about the limits you put in place around yourself to stay healthy and safe." A empowering and compassionate guide to setting boundaries to reclaim your energy and relationships - from the New York Times bestselling co-author of The Whole30. If you've struggled to identify and establish healthy boundaries - with family, in romance, at work, or in life - Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humour'

In the first chapter itself it was clear to me that while I did grow up seeing my parents and friends enforce boundaries, it was always something that was modeled rather than talked about. It felt liberating to read about boundaries and realize where the responsibility lies and what they are for. Melissa says that boundaries are an essential life skill. I agree and I am thrilled to know so much about them now. Too often, other people demand the deeply personal details of where we are in our lives. We don’t owe anyone answers, especially if we are struggling with those same questions ourselves. The Book of Boundaries, pg 283 Learning to state expectations upfront when dealing with food, alcohol, table talk, and other sensitive subjectsWhether it is in a workplace or in the family, one person’s boundaries are empowering to another. I have experienced this first hand. Clinton is the oldest in his family and once I was introduced to his family, I have had a wonderful example to look up to. From a young age, he made his preferences clear to his parents. Me coming into the equation led to a few of them relaxing slightly while others I was able to solidify further. I have been able to build on top of his boundaries and approach family discussions around travelling and home visits with confidence. With the learnings from The Book of Boundaries in tow, I am now able to set boundaries and identify places where they were missing. I particularly love having a conversation with Clinton about what we experience. Reading this book gave us more to connect about while at the same time, increasing our vocabulary and finding ways in which we can support each other. The flip side is being able to set boundaries around questions that are intruding that I should be able to walk away from. The number of times Clinton and I were asked, “So when are you getting married?” and the times “kids” are hinted at is sadly a part of living in our society where these things are valued but at the same time, it is no one’s business. Like I learned in lesson 5, it is all in our time. No one can make us do anything.