The Angry Book

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Maybe you even typed it as soon as you knew you’d fall behind, so it’s been ready for a while—but instead of hitting “send,” you keep rereading it over and over, trying to make sure it’s just right. Still others turn their anger from its actual and appropriate direction to themselves and become full of selfhate and suffer serious depression. Parents in this environment will very often produce what is known as a double-bind situation which goes like this: "Don't hold it in— I can't stand you when you do—let it out! Victims of these exaggerations or accumulations may transfer a lifelong rage at their mothers to their wives or husbands.

If you’ve struggled with anger management treatment in the past, maybe it’s time for a change of pace. People who see themselves as "sweet" make a virtue of it: they see themselves as expert cheek-turning missionaries.I have seen a number of asthmatics who were enormously relieved and who could finally breathe when they learned how to weep.

Many patients later report some very hostile wish-fulfilling fantasies, even though they were not in touch with their anger. Many women end up holding onto their anger for so long that, eventually, it explodes out of them in the heat of the moment. He can never be himself, and he expends enormous energy in attempting to fool himself and other people. T h e y learn by doing over and over again—by repetition—and this doing is often initiated by imitation.

But regardless of the reason for or the source of the anger or the relative ease or complexity in perceiving either the anger or its source -- everybody, but everybody, gets angry. Like all arrogant people, the bully feels particularly fragile, vulnerable, and threatened and covers up his feelings of inadequacy by attempting to dominate and derogate others. When you move through and engage with the exercises in When Anger Hurts, you will learn to recognize the early warning signs of angry outbursts and how to cool down before giving into behavioral impulses. I am grateful to my former teachers, at the American Institute for Psychoanalysis, for my training in Karen Horneys theory. This damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't approach promotes severe conflict, much anxiety, great angry problems, and emotional paralysis.