Murder Your Employer: The McMasters Guide to Homicide

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Oh, and when you wake,” added Dobson, “your head will be bandaged so you can’t see where you are. Don’t panic. When new students regain consciousness, they sometimes think they’ve gone blind, or worse.” Full of endless puns, dry humor, and nostalgia for a bygone era that evokes the early 1950s, Murder Your Employer chronicles the experiences of students at McMasters Conservatory for the Applied Arts, a finishing school that teaches one how to “finish” people off. Cliff’s boss is a psychopath. And a powerful one at that. He managed to ruin Cliff’s career, have his best friend murdered and make the girl Cliff liked commit suicide. Cliff is a nice guy, but he decides to kill his boss for the greater good. He fails miserably but that’s where the McMasters “finishing school” (pun intended) comes to play. I turned to see Dobson with an identical .38 trained on me. Dobson explained, “The sergeant likes to make his empty gun a tempting prospect. Trying to steal an officer’s weapon is further evidence of guilt.” I loved the start the most. The book is written as if the dean is speaking to the new students at the McMasters Conservatory for the Applied Arts. I love the idea of there being a school, where you’re about to learn how best to “delete” your “target”. It gave me Hogwarts vibes, with a killing twist. Even though the book contains mostly the Dean’s thoughts and advice, we also meet three students in particular, and through them, we get introduced to their lives, their classes and why they want to “delete” a certain person.

It took me a bit longer to read Murder Your Employer: The McMasters Guide to Homicide than I’d figured initially. This is actually a pretty interesting and entertaining murder mystery where the mystery is not who dies or who dunnit; it’s how the would be ‘deletist’ (we don’t say ‘killer’ here) will achieve their goal while not getting caught and still observing the 4 main principles of ‘deletion’ (we don’t’ say ‘murder’): Is this murder necessary? Have you given your target every last chance to redeem themselves? What innocent person might suffer by your actions? Will this deletion improve the life of others? Dobson and Stedge looked at each other with infinite pity as I realized the words “He’s not dead?” could be used against me in a court of law. Despite the miraculously good news that I’d evaded the electric chair, the nearly-as-bad update was that I’d be going to prison for attempted murder while Fiedler was alive and free to be a menace to the world.

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Well, I assume there’s been some crime committed in the hotel and you’re talking to all the guests,” I said casually. “But yes, I would like to know what this is about.” Which, okay. Fine, I could get used to. But then the book kind of deviates from its entire concept: it being a manual and it including written reports of these students. It just follows Gemma and Dulcie and Cliff on their separate murder planning from their own perspectives, no diaries involved. Like, if you're committing to a concept, why not follow through with it? But it was the train that would kill Fiedler, I told myself for the hundredth time, knowing this to be the shabbiest of self-deceptions. I had all the intent of a killer but not the soul. Guns, knives, poisons… these were murder weapons, all of which I’m too inexpert or squeamish to wield with any guarantee of success. But I’d also ruled out poisons and all other arms-length methods that had sprung to mind, for they seemed too calculated and detached, requiring the meticulous planning of a certifiable psychopath. Then the notion of giving Fiedler one good, hard shove had come to me. Yes, I could probably manage that, particularly after having to restrain myself from doing so for the last three years, each time Fiedler savaged another helpless employee. A shove, a push, a jostle seemed very unlike an act of murder. It was simply what might happen at the beginning of a good old-fashioned barroom brawl, before someone in authority called out, “Now-now, boys, there’ll be none of that here!” One justifiable shove for all the demeaning, degrading insults and condescending sneers Fiedler flayed and spewed in all directions each workday. McMasters dean Harbinger Harrow, offers the case studies of three pupils — Baltimore engineer Cliff Iverson (on full scholarship from a mysterious benefactor), British hospital worker Gemma Lindley, and incognito Hollywood star Dulcie Mown — to educate at-home students by example. Were there things that should've been edited/removed? Of course. But, regardless of faults, I was FEASTING!

Murder Your Employer: The McMasters Guide to Homicide, Vol. 1 is the clever brainchild of author, playwright, composer, and singer-songwriter Rupert Holmes. I heard my voice but didn’t recognize it. “The things you do to people, Fiedler…” I flailed. “One day you’ll get what’s due you.” Yeah, that sure showed him.I handed Stedge his gun. “I was never going to shoot either of you,” I said, as if they might wish to understand me better. “There’s only one person in the world I want to kill, and I thought if I could get away from you, I might have a second chance.” I looked at their passive faces and mumbled, “You can’t understand.”