Daring To Take Up Space

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Even if it sounds trite, you may want to remind yourself daily, while looking in the mirror, that you are valuable and loved simply because you exist – not because of things you do or produce.

When someone cannot take up space and talk about themselves, they sacrifice their ability to relate to others. Because they cannot talk about themselves or express negative emotions, it is difficult for others to get to know them in an authentic way. The inability to take up space is why many trauma survivors feel alone in life. Even when surrounded by people, they feel unseen, unheard, as if they are all alone. In other words, they are shutting the doorway to genuine intimacy by not taking up space. Try not to think of this as an egotistical act. Instead, think of your expression as a contribution. When you speak up, you share your thoughts and open up opportunities for others to share theirs. Afterall, even if only one person benefits from what you say, it would be worth bringing it out into the world. This feeling that you are only loved for your utility may also cause social anxiety. If you do not believe you can be loved only for who you are, you would feel you must always be doing something not to be rejected and abandoned by the world. This can mean you find it challenging to sit in silence. You would not know how to be helpful when there is no structure or direction. You feel lost and are confronted with the deep emptiness within you. You may describe it as “awkward” or “uncomfortable” when in reality, you might be faced with deeprooted shame feelings from your past— the shame of not being able to do anything useful for your parents, the shame of not being able to save your parents from the abusive partner or the alcoholic spouse, etc. There was no reason to be ashamed; of course, it was never your job to save your parents from their dysfunctions and unhappy lives, but as a child, you assumed those were your responsibilities. It was your way of loving them. Since there was no one to comfort your young soul and let you know it was not your fault, you have internalized the feeling that no matter how much you do, you aren’t good enough.I want to talk about creating your life. There’s a quote I love, from the poet Mary Oliver, that goes: In addition, children of narcissistic parents may have difficulty asserting their own needs and desires because growing up; it was never about them. Whenever they express their needs, they are punished. So even as adults, they feel a compulsive need to always pander to others.

Honing the skill of self-awareness is a good start. This means getting to know your feelings, beliefs, habits, and particular emotional triggers and reactions. When you understand your feelings and preferences, you can figure out how to express them in healthy ways. Remember, there are no “bad” feelings. Even often dismissed emotions like anger and sadness have value and serve an essential function. When interacting with others, practise simply relaxing in their presence. Try to experiment with not doing anything, saying anything, or impressing anyone. You are not asked to advise, be useful, or advise anyone. Even when others are expressing distress, you can practice ‘just’ listening and offering your quiet presence. This will help you gradually realize that your mere existence is sufficient and that ”doing” has its limits. You are allowed to take up space. Own who you are and what you want for yourself. Stop downplaying the things you care about, the hopes you have. Own your passions, your thoughts, your perceptions. Own your fire. Stop putting your worth in the hands of others; stop letting them decide your value. Own saying no, saying yes. Own your mood, your feelings. Own your plans, your path, your success.” Taking up space is a birthright and something we innately know how to do, but not everyone feels able to do it. When we take up space in the world, we occupy a physical and psychological territory. Our bodies fill the area, and our presence is felt. For some people, taking up space can be a challenge. They may think they are not worthy of the space they take up or need to minimize their presence. Personally, I think the passion for an extraordinary life, and the courage to pursue it, is what makes us special. And I don’t even think of it as an “extraordinary life” anymore so much as simple happiness. It’s rarer than it should be, and I believe it comes from creating a life that fits you perfectly, not taking what’s already there, but making your own from scratch.Some people may think that taking up space is “selfish”, but in reality, taking up space is a sign of healthy strength and self-confidence. It allows you to be received by others and manifest your gifts. By taking up space, you say, “I am here and will not be ignored.”

A child is not capable of seeing the big picture. So if your parent had ignored or not paid attention to you, you would receive the message that you were unimportant and did not deserve a place in the world. You might also have justified your parents’ behaviours by assuming it was your fault that they neglected you. When these feelings and beliefs crystallize and are brought into adulthood, they can significantly hamper your ability to take up space and be confident and assertive. Daydreaming, however awesome it is, is passive. It happens in your head. Learning to make dreams real is another matter, and I think it should be the work of your life. Everyone’s life, whatever their dream (unless their dream is to be an axe murderer or something.)

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Do you find it hard to engage in any self-promotion, even in situations where it is appropriate, like a job interview? Taking up space” can be benign, beneficial, or toxic. For instance, it is natural for a leader or expert in a group to take up space, so they are heard and respected. At the same time, someone can take up space in a toxic way, such as always dominating conversations, excluding others, acting contemptuously, etc. When people take up more space than is necessary, they communicate that they are superior and that their needs are always more important than others.