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One gentleman, sadly, was completely house bound. He basically just felt that it was completely impossible to trust anybody or to be out in society because he had so little self-regard,” she says.
Far from healing over time, the impacts of this mother-to-son childhood sexual abuse seem to continue. The sexual abuse of “these men when boys is often highly traumatic and at times extremely violent and impacted on their psychological, biosocial and physical development,” Lucetta says.I hated her because of abuse,” he says, “I had a list of people who I wanted dead and she was on that list.” It’s an incredibly confusing situation for victims, explains Lucetta, because “the boys still love their mother” and just like Hamish, “they don’t want the family to break apart.” True to his word, Hamish never did discuss it again with his wife — something he has lived to regret. About 10 years ago a television news story prompted him to briefly mention the childhood sexual abuse to his wife. After the disclosure he promptly told her: “I never want to talk about it ever again, ever.”
I wish we’d got help together, you know? I might still be married now if I’d got help. But I’m not,” he says with unmistakeable grief. From this distance Hamish now understands he was just a child when the abuse occurred; he was unable to consent to sex with an adult in a position of power. She preyed on the fact I was coming into puberty and made me feel important and special,” he tells me.
The sentence that stayed with her was this one: “The only course of action is for you to do something positive, like finish the PhD.” Lucetta recruited the men for her research with relative ease. This may lead one to assume this type of abuse is common. Frustratingly though, there seems to be no reliable data on its prevalence — including the Personal Safety Survey conducted by the Australian Bureau of Statistics. Quietly reflecting on this, he says: “It’s really hard to tell someone you love, ‘By the way, my mother abused me and I had sex with my mother’.”
University of Canberra researcher Lucetta Thomas has interviewed dozens of men who have been sexually abused by their mothers. Picture: Ginger Gorman I was born illegitimately,” Ian says, “and he [John] knew that because he wasn’t sleeping with my mother.” I AM very sorry I brought you so much pain,” Marcus* wrote in his final letter, “Thank you for caring for me. I know I didn’t deserve it.” At the time though, it was a different story: “I thought I was enjoying it and I thought I was grown up.”Our marriage was never the same after I told her about my mother … just telling her wasn’t enough, we needed to get help,” he says. The PhD she’s currently writing is about sons who were sexually abused by their biological mothers — just as Marcus had been.
She says: “Out of all the males that I spoke to I would say only one had actually come to terms with what had happened to him.” Society says that males are actually instigators of any sort of sexual relationship, so the child copes with the trauma by telling himself: ‘I must have actually instigated it,’” she says. Only in the last six years — and after decades of counselling and therapy — does Ian feel he’s started to recover. I honestly believe she [his mother] had probably been sexually abused herself,” he says, adding: “I feel pity for her.”
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He worked damn hard to do just that. Hamish married in the early 90s and fathered two sons of whom he’s extremely proud. For Ian, the childhood abuse “manipulated my sexuality and impacted my ability to operate as a person.” You can’t just bottle it up and think that it will go away, because it doesn’t ever go away,” he says. And he would know. I love my wife and for a lot of the time we had a good relationship but this thing [the abuse] came between us,” Hamish says, “it did slowly poison our relationship.”
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