Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

Product Information

Katz, M. I. L., & Graham, J. (2020). Building competence in practice with the polyamorous community: A scoping review. Social Work, 65(2), 188–196. https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/swaa011 Relationship self-help books centered around monogamy can be unhelpful as they, along with the rest of the world, come from a mono-normative perspective that views non-monogamy – either as a lifestyle or an identity – as pathological behaviour stemming from insecure attachment.

but I'm going to guess they'd be equally straightforward and constructive, and likely helpful if you're relatively newly navigating multiple relationships, and/or have come acropper and want to revisit/reflect. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help You Find–and Keep–love. Penguin. Katz-Wise, S. L. (2015). Sexual fluidity in young adult women and men: Associations with sexual orientation and sexual identity development. Psychology and Sexuality, 6, 189–208.

Wide Applicability

Differences in how non-monogamy is seen and practiced by the couple ie. one person may view non-monogamy as an identity and the other may merely practice it as a lifestyle

Polysecure skilfully dives into attachment styles through the lens of trauma, as a reflective practice to understand our needs, motivations, and behaviours, in relation to ourselves and potential or current non-monogamous practices. It is a compulsively readable and accessible, while being short and concise. Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist who works with non-monogamous clients and who practices non-monogamy herself, and she brings a wealth of experience that is both rich in theory and applicable in practice. Cassidy, J. (2000). The complexity of the caregiving system: A perspective from attachment theory. Psychological Inquiry, 11(2), 86–91. Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms." Fern first starts by providing an overview of attachment theory and how trauma affects our relationships. She does a great job of conveying the science surrounding attachment theory while still making the content readable and relatable, such as by avoiding unnecessary jargon. I felt like I could see my own relational patterns reflected in her descriptions, and I think she writes so well about how our past experiences can influence us to pull away or grasp firmly onto people we have relationships with, without judging people for their trauma or their general relational tendencies.Robinson, M. (2013). Polyamory and monogamy as strategic identities. Journal of Bisexuality, 13(1), 21–38. The first third of this book covers attachment styles. The second third describes polyamory. The final third contains useful advice for people currently practicing polyamory. relying too much on the structure of the relationship to ensure and safeguard secure attachment instead of the quality of relating between partners to forge secure attachment. When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM [consensual nonmonogamy], we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy. Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner." We learn to self-regulate through our connections with our attachment figures...we have to figure out how to identify and articulate our emotional states and then find ways to self-soothe as a healthy response instead of pulling away, shutting down or lashing out in emotional reactivity. We also need to learn how to healthily rely on others and to figure out when it's appropriate to seek support from them to help regulate our emotions."