The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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Time and again, I’ve found that saying no and figuring out what I need to say no to paves the way to something so much better. That’s why you either implode by snapping inside yourself and experiencing illness, a breakdown, or burnout, or explode and unleash everything you’ve been repressing, something we address in the final chapter of the book. Listening to a date talk about past relationships and difficulties and then deciding that you won’t ask for or expect certain things so that they don’t feel pressured or in pain, or suddenly feeling invested because you think that you can be the solution to their problems. How willing you are to honor your boundaries is an expression of your self-esteem, the sum of the thoughts you feed yourself, and the way you treat yourself. Awareness of children’s rights, respect of their boundaries, and nurturance of their emotional, mental, and physical well-being are no longer anomalies ascribed to “hippie” or “lax” parenting.

The joy and relief of saying no: how I learned to stop

So there’s the baseline and what we’re supposed to be able to naturally and fairly comfortably tolerate, and then a threshold that indicates when we’re in high stress.

The effects are felt in your life, from how you feel or don’t feel inside, to the intimacy of your relationships, to your workload, to what might be secret hurts and resentments, to your general sense of fulfillment and connectedness.

The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue Order your copy of The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue

Today, in addition to his work with clients, Joe hosts The Retirement Wisdom Podcast, which thanks to his guests and loyal listeners, ranks in the top 1. You can’t spend all or most of your time doing things from a place of fear and not experience the impact on your well-being. When I sense the potential for conflict or conflict is actually happening, I still freeze momentarily and want to moonwalk away from the situation or instantly camouflage into the surroundings. Cue him reiterating everything he’d already said, pooh-poohing alternatives, and telling me I didn’t have any options. I was making so many promises that I couldn’t remember who I was letting down from one day to the next.It’s not that they don’t care about what others think or that they don’t share your wants or fears—they do—but they’re not driven by people pleasing, and so they have a greater sense of who they are, including what they need, want, expect, feel, and think. I still get flattered when someone says they’d like me to be involved in their project, and I still find myself saying yes to things that I really shouldn’t. Many people pleasers beat themselves up for procrastination, seeing it as yet another flawed thing about themselves. We learned to associate no with hurting others, confrontation, punishment, and abandonment, hence why we lost our no and now feel as if we’re disobedient and disrespectful by looking inward. This way, you don’t have to feel resentful or worn out, and your relationships get to be loving and boundaried.

The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue | Waterstones

That’s why when I heard no moments later—resonant, unapologetic, and decided—I looked around to see who had said it. After a while, it becomes the voice in our head, and we become adept at emotionally blackmailing ourselves into complying.I have never been very good at asking people for favours, because I always assume people will be too busy to help me, but I have learned that not everyone has this hangup. A combination of socialization, conditioning, and self-taught responses and lessons have trained you to use putting others ahead of you as a strategy for meeting your needs and avoiding risk and hurt. It took burning out after running a marathon, losing my father, turning forty, and experiencing perimenopause to go from being frustrated with my “failing” body to using tinnitus as a body signal to help me recognize where I need to listen to myself and say no. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site.

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing

All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,” said the 17th-century French philosopher Blaise Pascal. Be aware of your intentions and motivations, including what you hope to get back or what you’re trying to control or avoid. As we strive to embrace the virtues of restraint, of doing less, of leaving space, we risk destroying that which we seek. His book Not Working: Why We Have to Stop, is a critique of our state of perpetual busyness, a hymn in praise of doing nothing. I’d recently turned twenty-eight, and as my consultant’s voice slipped into a monotone, it hit me: I’d been sick for at least two years, and while I’d understood that my illness was serious, I’d done whatever doctors told me, and my focus had been being at everyone else’s service even when I didn’t want to be.Procrastination, though, is like a release valve providing temporary relief from the exhausting habits.