How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

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Overall, I think this book misses the mark on parenting for moms and dads. There are a lot of studies mentioned, many of them about how much “better” women are than men at various things. And, the overall tone is similar in that moms are the master parents and dads are idiot robots meant to be manipulated by their partner and serve as glorified babysitters to the children. After all, you could compromise your wants and needs for him, simply because you preferred the happiness of a calm and harmonious relationship over the constant disagreements over meaningless things. The Problem: There’s just no way around it: your husband is a jerk. You don’t have to have big fights every day to develop a sense of aversion for your hubby. For others, scheduling sex is the only way to make sure it actually happens. Dunn tells me about a friend who has a standing sex date with her husband while their twins are at Saturday morning Tae Kwon Do (a drop-off class, I presume). My own husband, at one point defeated by the relentless demands of a baby and a preschooler, said desperately, “We’re going to have to start paying for sex.” When I asked him to, uh, clarify, he said, “We need to hire a sitter to take them out of the house for a few hours or we’ll never have sex again.” Nothing like paying for a babysitter to make you use your time productively!

Any thoughts like “your relaxation is more important”, “it has to be clean in the house before time I want it to be”, “partner has to do what I say”, “stop disrespecting me”, “i have to do everything by myself”– are toxic and unnecessary. In our heads primarily, let alone in the communication. When your wife asks you to turn off the TV and go fold the laundry, instead of saying “I’ll do it later” try, “I’ll fold it before I go to bed tonight.” Schedule weekends

2) You’ve Forgotten The Meaning of Compromise

No matter how flexible you might be, compromising on those values always feels like a betrayal of the self, and the more often we compromise on what we believe in, the less we can respect and love who we are. Remember: you’re on the same team and you should be working with each other to make this marriage stronger despite outside stressors. 6) The Relationship Doesn’t Feel Equal

Intimacy is far more important than most people realize. As a new parent, learning how not to hate your spouse after kids has a lot to do with sex. Immediately after giving birth, sex might seem laborious and at times impossible. However, if this becomes a standing trend, it will start to dampen the best parts of your relationship. Too often, couples end up being convinced that they’re unhappy with each other when really they’re just stressed about all the other things in your life. You constantly feel like you’re trying your best and yet not quite understanding what he wants from the relationship.What You Could Do: An issue like this might be something you and your husband have already had a thousand arguments about.

Finally, Dunn decides that she’s going to take matters into her own hands. She does research and writing for a living, so she turns her attention to all things marriage and family related. But if your husband is the person causing you distress and making you question your own confidence, you inevitably feel alienated towards them. I was quoting this book so often to my husband he’s decided he’s going to read it, which I’m thrilled about. The Problem: Culturally, spiritually, morally — we all have values embedded in our systems that are a part of who we are. Now that you’re married, you can’t seem to reconcile what your spouse wants with what you understand of marriage.Many expectant parents spend weeks researching the best crib or safest car seat, but spend little if any time thinking about the titanic impact the baby will have on their marriage--and the way their marriage will affect their child.

Don't let the title of the book scare you away from reading it; it's wasn't a terrible read. Jancee Dunn did her research and was able to cite several reputable scientists, researchers, therapists and other professionals to discuss many aspects of young family life and relationships. This is by no means a self-help book for the reader, more of a narrative about the author's life. The Problem: Sometimes it’s circumstances, other times it’s your spouse. Maybe your spouse has done something in the past you simply can’t forgive yet. How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids is extremely helpful, and even comforting, if for no other reason than you realize that many couples are confronting the same programming and conflicts you are—and have managed to fight their way clear. “We’re only a generation or two away from the homemaker/breadwinner model,” she says. Every couple has to reinvent what’s right for them—a strict feminist model calls for a precise 50-50 split, but Dunn argues for what “feels equitable” to each couple. What You Could Do: Assert yourself and see how he responds. Show him that you’re not happy being the quiet housewife type that so many men think is normal amongst women.

9) He Hurts You In Little Ways Without Knowing It

What You Could Do: You can’t change your history and your childhood but you can work with your spouse to recreate your expectations regarding marriage. Here are some reasons why you feel this way towards your husband, and what you could do to save the marriage: 1) There’s Nothing New In Your Lives Anymore