The Angry Book

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To four of my friends and colleagues: Jerome Fass, M.D. Bella Van Bark, M.D. Harvey Kaye, M.D. Bernard Spector, M.D, heart. His mother ( M a u Mau in this case) says to him as a parting shot just as he's about to step out of the house, "You shouldn't worry about me while you are out with that person having a good time. Believe me, I want you to have a good time. Lately, my balance isn't so good. Happens to old people—it's nothing. But if I fall down the stairs while you are gone, don't worry. Even with a broken hip I can still reach the phone and call the doctor. So have a good time, please!" T h e attempt here is to manipulate her son not to go out. Chances are that there is a long history of maternal possessiveness and an attempt at living vicariously through the boy. Obviously there is jealousy of "that person"—his sweetheart—whom she derogates by calling her neither by name nor by gender. There is slush hostility (the form here is manipulative poison) directed at both young people in an attempt to spoil their good time by trying to manufacture and instill worry and guilt. If confronted with any of this, the mother will say, "Are you crazy? You have a mother complex or something? I should spoil your good time? Me hostile to you? This word hostile—lately everybody is hostile? Some hostile—your mother who only lives for 99

Telling the truth can be a virtue, but the particular motive involved is all-important. I am speaking of a form of "sneak speaking." I mentioned truth-telling in describing "but people" in the chapter on Talk, Talk, Talk, and No Talk. They use truth as an excuse for slipping a barb in here and there. "Telling the truth," however, is a primary kind of poison used by some people. They invariably look for particular truths that will hurt. T h e y are not interested in truths that will enhance the recipient's self-esteem, that will make for feeling good, that will be supporting or comforting. Somehow the truths they find will be linked to bad memories, skeletons in the closets, fears, and hurts. When they run out of these, they will distort, exaggerate, and often lie. They do so because for all their "truth-telling," they Ross is one of literature's great heroes . . . [with] elements of Darcy, Heathcliff, Rhett Butler and Robin Hood This is an environment in which people often feel one way but act another way. When they are angry, they smile sweetly or freeze and do nothing at all. In any case, there is a paucity of straight, honest, simply and readily definable expressions of feelings. In this environment, there is sometimes a serious dearth of strong feelings, often to the point of emotional vacuum. Usually what look like appropriate, strong emotional responses are actually superficial, hysterical, manipulative outbursts turned on and off like summer showers. These serve to confuse further and to subvert real feelings. This is an environment in which hysteria may suddenly give way to inhibition and even to paralysis of emotional expression. In this atmosphere small issues will evoke large displays and large issues will evoke nothing. This atmosphere will be marked by many intricate inconsistencies that the child can't possibly understand. This will be particularly so with anger and may result in an avoidance of anger and subsequent crippling in this very important emotional area. In effect, the victim will be told the following: "It is all right for me to get angry in this circumstance but not you." "Sometimes it is all right for you to get angry, but sometimes you can't, even though the circumstances are identical. It all depends on my mood -- which there is no way of knowing." "Why can't you be like me -- I never get angry, but when I do, I don't show it. All I do is get cold and sullen and withdraw my attention and affection from you." "If you get angry, I'll know you don't love me." "Nice boys and girls don't get angry -- especially at adults." "If you must get angry, at least be polite." "If you get angry, you will not be liked." "If you continue to get angry, you will surely get into great trouble." "Civilized people don't get angry, but if you get angry I'll have to tell Daddy, and he will get angry and will have to punish you when he gets home."this particular patient suffered from a psychosomatic condition sometimes found in this kind of killing-mama dream. T h e patient was a teethgrinder and as a result had a rather serious periodontal condition necessitating much gum treatment. With some people, dreaming does not offer enough relief and there is an overflow into the waking hours. Many are embarrassed by enormously hostile fantasies in which a loved one or a close friend is suddenly dying, being torn apart, crushed, and so on. This is a relatively common kind of peculiar thought, the result of the distortion and snowballing of repressed anger. When these thoughts are close to a truthful revelation, they sometimes produce panic, which may lead the way to treatment. Hostile fantasies and dreams both tend to disappear as the individual learns to handle anger realistically and effectively. T h e patient inevitably learns, among other things, that love and anger are not mutually exclusive and that it is quite normal to get angry at loved ones. But more about this in Part 4. Twisting It: The Assorted Poisons 129 anonymous, just another driver, and he needn't fear any assault on his nice-guy status. But he and his car are one, and together they become a formidable instrument of vengeance. On the road they can strike out for every bit of hurt pride ever experienced. Together they can attempt to exact vindictive triumph for every seeming wrong ever inflicted on Mr. Nice Guy. That he doesn't know his enemy (other cars and drivers) makes it so much easier for him to switch to them all kinds of feeling about other people (from home, for example). What's more, he can go on being ostensibly peace loving. How much easier to work out sibling rivalry, feelings of sexual inadequacy, inability to stand up to the boss or to a castrating wife or mother —and all the anger these produce—on the well-populated road where he is anonymous. I feel very strongly that a great many automobile accidents occur because persons suffering from much perversion of anger, from bursting slush funds, bring it to cars and roads, where it overflows. on—and at best it had gross limitations. She ostensibly came to see me because of trouble with a daughter. Eventually she realized that her real trouble was with herself and her attitude toward all people. In time she became a much '"realer" person. As her slush saving account diminished, she became more self-assertive—with both her husband and her daughter. Relationships in the family improved all around because they were no longer dealing with mirror images and superficially sweet, pleasing shadows. Thus this patient began to deal with real people as the frustration of living incommunicado began to dissipate.

One of the ways people cope with unpleasant confrontations is to avoid them. Sometimes when they can't avoid them, they simply deny their existence. This is also true of unwanted feelings and conflicts. Of course, this applies to anger and especially anger that will result in difficult conflict. Sometimes blatant confrontations with obvious truth makes denial very difficult. Denial is sometimes made possible by a variety of complicated psychological devices. Some of these psychological devices have a peculiar way of going in and out of style. When one considers that a particular time and a particular place produce cultural pressures characteristic of the time and place in question, one sees that this is not so peculiar after all. F o r example, in Victorian times ladies were not supposed to have "indecent" sexual feelings. There are two main imitations of anger. They are both poisons and are particularly insidious because they look like the real thing. They are at best synthetic products and stunted forms that do not bring real relief to their users. They further serve to confuse whoever it is they are directed at—usually children. Talking about it is the process of talking about and all around anger but not feeling it (for real, on a completely involved, fully aware l e v e l ) , and of course not conveying the feeling of it. This is usually a more or less completely intellectual process in which words about become a substitute for the real thing. The people who make use of this process often know that they are supposed to get angry and act accordingly—but all that comes through is words or play-acting. I remember sitting in a small play- When I first meet someone new for treatment, I start by saying that discomfort and anxiety are just feelings, like any other feelings. Anxiety, in and of itself, is not “bad”—it can even be very important when it works properly. It can teach us what might not be safe. If I am crossing a busy intersection, I need something that lets me know when I have to act. Discomfort helps us to learn, to decipher what we value, what we want, and what we would like to avoid. Read More Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or Situation Freezing it is the total perversion. It combines the perversions I've already described with its own peculiar refinements. We can say that if there was an accurate w a y (and there isn't) to measure the degree of perverting anger, we would then know the degree of freezing it. T h e various preversions are not mutually exclusive. W e — a l l of us—combine putting it off, and putting it down, and so on. Some of us use one perversion more than another. Those of us with great angry problems will undoubtedly make much use of all the perversions. Our healthier confreres will pervert anger to a lesser degree. The particular combination of perversions (or the particular perversion we use most) will depend on our total personal histories and character structures. Of course, consciousness and unconsciousness regarding our difficulties with anger and our perverting of anger will also beof the reason for or the source of the anger or the relative ease or complexity in perceiving either the anger or its source—everybody, but everybody, gets angry. As you will see later on, this may not always be apparent. But it is sol The only exceptions are those poor unfortunate people who suffer from one or another form of severe brain damage. Cornwall, towards the end of the 18th century. Ross Poldark sits for the borough of Truro as Member of Parliament – his time divided between London and Cornwall, his heart divided about his wife, Demelza. Talkiatry – Feel Like You Can’t Talk About It? Virtual Psychiatry Can Help. Virtual mental health care from doctors who take insurance. Visit Talkiatry isn't he letting his listeners in on confidential, secret, and potentially destructive information? He is not only sharing great treasures with them but is also providing them with entertainment through stimulation and excitement. Isn't he giving them material to pique the imagination? For this he expects to be liked and admired. This puts him ( h e thinks) in a position of power and prestige. So he feels that he can have his cake and eat it, too. He has discovered the perfect comprehensive stratagem: just quietly slip into loose, easy talk and he can give vent to slush, be liked, and achieve social power. All these effects exist only in his own imagination. Gossip, much like envy and jealousy, exacts its corrosive toll on the easy talker and his relationships. People, especially healthy ones, do not exactly become endeared to gossips. Indeed, relationships with mature people are inevitably destroyed by easy talk.

His old feud with George Warleggan still flares – as does the illicit love between Morwenna and Drake, Demelza's brother. Putting it on is the process of removing anger from the person, place, thing, or event that we are actually angry at and putting it on a "safer" or less threatening person, place, thing, or event. For example, anger may be transferred from a frightening boss and put on a frightened wife. Though a glimmer of awareness may be present, putting it on usually occurs with complete unconsciousness. An "on-putter" can suddenly get angry at someone for no apparent reason, or he may become angry at an imagined hurt or inappropriately angry at a minor hurt. He may accumulate or exaggerate old hurts and put them on someone innocent without any rationale whatsoever. Exaggerations and accumulations can sometimes be quite violent and can also become chronic, especially w h e n the slush fund is overflowing and finally breaks through the walls When you lose your temper honestly, it can be good for you. In this perennially bestselling book, eminent psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin shows how one of the most powerful human emotions can change your life. Suppressed or twisted anger can lead to anxiety, depression, insomnia, psychosomatic illness, alcoholism, frigidity, impotence, and downright misery. But understanding and releasing anger can lead to greater health, happiness, and emotional wholeness.

Mindfulness for Anger Management: Transformative Skills for Overcoming Anger and Managing Powerful Emotions Beginnings In this section I want to describe some general considerations as well as some of the beginnings or origins of angry troubles. Dreams can be a form of poison. This is true for individuals whose sole angry outlet is dreams and who continually have dreams that are slushladen. Dreams are exceedingly complicated psychological manifestations, and their interpretation is a complex business. Many volumes have been written on the subject, and the last word is far from said. All psychoanalysts agree, however, that a dream can be meaningful only in the terms of the dreamer himself. This means that it is necessary to know the history of the dreamer and the particular and individual meaning of his particular symbols (the words and pictures that appear in his dreams). We must approach any kind of generalization or general symbol-meaning with great care. Every analyst, however, is aware that certain kinds of dreams appear again and again in people with In her various works, Karen Horney has brilliantly described the complicated role of selfhate. Its most important function is to keep its victim striving for impossible and "ideal" goals in quest of neurotic glory. E a c h failure to be gloriously ideal is met with self-hate, which in effect provides the whip to push the victim up the impossible trail again and again. In any case, the slush fund provides ample fuel to turn on oneself in the service of self-hate. Poisonous vehicles in the service of self-hate come in an almost endless variety of forms. Indeed, nearly all the poisons contain some element of selfhate. At this point, however, I want to mention a few miscellaneous poisons I've run into in practice which were obviously self-destructive. I say obviously only because it was obvious to me. More often than not, the patient had no

putters. The on-putter in fact is one of the most flagrant destroyers of human relationships. He is dishonestly and inappropriately "nice" at the wrong times, and he is consistently and inappropriately angry nearly all the rest of the time —inevitably putting a great strain on all his relationships, often to the point of utter destruction. children respond to a mother's "mood" long before she herself is consciously aware of its existence. This applies particularly to her approval and disapproval of how the child feels and acts. Children do in fact "receive" and "record" what goes on around them, and they learn. T h e y learn by doing over and over again—by repetition—and this doing is often initiated by imitation. T h e y also learn by identification with a parent or relative. T h e y learn by experimenting and testing, that is, by doing and then observing parental response to their actions. Of course all this applies to emotions and how the parents emote and respond to the child's feelings, especially the feeling—and expression—of anger. Where there is anxiety there is bound to be depression and vice versa. I have never seen clinical evidence of depression without signs of concomitant raw anxiety. Depression may be mild or severe, acute, or chronic, periodic (in regular on-and-off phases) or sporadic. It has a cause, but the cause may be elusive and impossible to discern. Depression is always painful and destructive, sometimes to the point of paralysis. It may completely destroy one's ability to function and rob one of every semblance of happiness. Depression, however, is not always severe and incapacitating. It can also be subtle and chronic—so chronic, in fact, that its victim may have no awareness that he is depressed. I have seen patients who have been depressed for so many years that they forgot what it is like to feel otherwise. Only at their first sign of getting Twisting It: The Assorted Poisons 59 earliest childhood) angry feelings toward her mother and sister. As she was able to feel, accept, and express (with a good deal of emotion) these feelings, the thoughts vanished and sleep ensued. This was no simple matter. For this to happen, her attitude toward anger plus her unrealistic angelic image of herself had to be changed, which required much self-examination in all areas and realistic self-acceptance. We both worked hard and the results were very gratifying. those who are obvious despots (however benevolent). T h e former uses martrydom and guilt to bully and manipulate; the latter uses superior strength, cunning, and experience and sometimes blatant blasting (overt verbal sadism). Blatant blasting and martyred mothers are described a little later on. Bullies derive most of the energy necessary for their enterprise from their slush fund. At times they will manage to appear genuinely angry at a genuine hurt, indiscretion, or the like, but careful observation will demonstrate that their anger is synthetic and actually used as a vehicle for the main enterprise, which is to subjugate and to harass their victims. Bullies are particularly fearful people and as such have a long history of reluctance to feel or to express healthy anger. They are, therefore, guaranteed to have an almost inexhaustible slush fund to use for their bullying needs.A great deal of emotional slush is constantly being twisted into anxiety. Anxiety is derived from many sources—emotional conflicts, hurt pride, loss of self-esteem, and so on, but much of it is derived directly from the slush bank. Indeed, it is my belief that the slush bank provides the principal fuel of anxiety-producing machinery. Anxiety itself is a highly complicated subject on which many papers and books have been written. It is not our purpose to write another one here. However, anxiety as the almost inseparable and sometimes indistinguishable blood brother of perverted anger (slush) is certainly a major poison and therefore deserving of our attention. Slush can be twisted into anxiety that is then felt as primitive anxiety in its raw form. Or slush In this section I want to describe some general considerations as well as some of the beginnings or origins of angry troubles.