Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yoursel

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It's sort of hard to rate self-help books so I'm just going to rate this one on how helpful it was to me in particular. I would say it was 50% helpful. Simply reading its descriptions of codependency was really instructive. Lately, I've been hearing the word codependent used a lot, and most people are not using it correctly (for example, I've heard several people use it to describe couples who can't go out without each other, and that's not really what it means). Codependency has a very wide definition, but the best way that I understand it after reading this book is that codependent people let the negative behaviors of those around them affect their own feelings and behaviors in a negative way. As a result, codependents become controlling, moody and often adopt a martyr syndrome that never fixes anything. The book, which is geared towards family members of alcoholics, clarifies a lot of these unhealthy behaviors and gives tips on how to be self-aware and how to manage our emotions, which I find to be helpful, even if it's not groundbreaking scientific work or whatever.

Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. " Congragulations." he said, " you have graduated ". You know now everything you need to know." When I first read this book, I figure that I would not post my feelings about it because they were too personal. However, now having some distance from the book and being able to employ the lessons I have learned, I am able to share myself with others. This book made me realize that I have a voice and an opinion and both matter just as much as the next person. I realized that I can make decisions and not have to worry if my opinion is what other people may think or want. My opinion is exactly that…my opinion. It is okay to have an opinion that is different than someone else’s. Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.

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Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else’s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views…that’s alright. I have been aware of the term 'Codependent' for a long time, but it only recently popped up on my personal radar as something to look into and understand better. Within days of my starting to take an interest in the topic this book was referenced in another I was then reading (Traumata, by Meera Atkinson). A few weeks later I was looking at audiobooks in the local library and spotted this title, so immediately chose it. This is the book that started it all. I know it is cliché but, this book has changed my life and my thinking…

Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to a loved one's self-destructive behaviour, you may be codependent - and you may find yourself in this book. REVISED AND UPDATED  With a New Chapter on Trauma and Anxiety, a List of Resources, and More  2023 Nautilus Book Award Winner  As heard on Glennon Doyle's We Can Do Hard Things Podcast One of the most interesting, and least explored, concepts covered in the chronology or pattern of behavior. Here's my take: Also extremely irksome was the very commonly American style of presumptuous Christian proselytising (that said, I do think this American habit/ tendency is declining over recent years as respect for the differing views of others has grown, so perhaps, in this case, it is also a mark of an earlier era as the book was written in the '80s). I have been more involved with Buddhist practice and philosophy in my life, though I only really got into that when I found a Teacher who was as equally interested and engaged as I was with recognising what all Faith systems share. I was already in love with Hildegard von Bingen, and rather fond of St Claire and St Francis (I spent some time visiting a rural nunnery built alongside a monastery dedicated to these two). I have long loved mystical and contemplative Christian work. I have loved reading Matthew Fox and Thomas Merton, among others. Some of my role models are priests and nuns whose Christianity informs their social care work. I have my own relationship with God. And my God is NOT the God Melody Beattie frequently describes. And the issue here is not that I care about Melody Beattie's God specifically, but that a relationship with God - including not having such a relationship - is deeply personal and that I feel her manner of speaking about HER God is incredibly presumptuous (I've used that word a lot in this review, haven't I) and therefore disrespectful and inappropriate. The truth was I didn't UNDERSTAND the meaning of the word codependent, or the behaviors of someone with codependency, and certainly not the birth of these behaviors. This book helped me to truly explore that, and I can only say that I am happier on the other side of this book -- and a hell of a lot less anxious LOL.

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. " And you have learned how to stop the pain".”