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The PDA Paradox: The Highs and Lows of My Life on a Little-Known Part of the Autism Spectrum

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I also believe that I have possibly struggled my whole life with PDA, without knowing what PDA was… (and passed it onto my children) However, we respect that many people identify with this profile and have formed a rich community and body of resources to help others overcome demand avoidance. We will continue to update the community and our readers on our position and as new research and insights become available. Harry began to write the first draft of his book in 2015. After connecting with many autistic & PDA families, he pivoted his direction and completed his book in about 6 weeks, a memoir entitled the PDA Paradox: The Highs and Lows of My Life on a Little-Known Part of the Autism Spectrum, published in February 2019. He launched his YouTube channel in 2017.

Around every corner is a demand waiting to thrust itself upon us. So how do we cope with all of these demands that can’t help themselves hammering down on us like we’re a nail that just won’t lay flat? But you’re right. There’s huge potential for autistic RATIONAL demand avoidance to be seen as a pathology people try to train out of them instead of understanding their sensory, social, and personal needs. It’s a complicated issue all around. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a condition that is characterized by a avoidance of everyday demands and activities. This is exactly how we have to do things too. Sadly people who don't live with it all the time tend to not see the reactions so well unless it's explained to them xThank you so much for this article and most especially Isaac's interview. It has answered questions I have had or many years I have sat down to write this article over a dozen times, have had the words clearly in my head; but when I have found a quiet moment with my laptop, a wall drops down between what I want to do and actually being able to do it. I am an autistic with a PDA profile and sometimes the demand of doing even something that I really want to do is impossible. I can relate to that woman – its completely understandable. Its her body, and someone trying to govern when she can use her bladder is toxic – she should be allowed autonomy and the ability to use this basic right at her own discretion/as need be. Its not appropriate of her boss to say that. A lot of autistic people have had very negative experiences with authority which was not about them, a lot of autistic people have extremely pathological parental relationships where there are major boundary issues, abuse, and toxic desires to silence, control, bully, shame and suppress autistic people doing what is normal and needed for them. By finding your tribe, you’ll find that you’re not alone and that these people think and react in the same way that you do, plus these are people who you don’t have to mask in front of. Having the freedom to be yourself is like having the best stretch in the comfiest bed.

The kindest and best thing for both them and you is to let them stay up until they are ready to go to bed. Let them play in their bedrooms or watch TV. Believe me, I know the pressure of trying to raise your child how you are told you are supposed to do it– with strict bath and bedtime routines, etc. People will accuse you of being too lenient and spoiling your child. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to go see that film you were planning on watching or another activity that you can’t get past the wall to do. Personally, I find it increasingly frustrating when I want to do something (like sitting and writing this article) but just CAN’T.

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I also find exercise extremely helpful in reducing impulsive urges – I never leave the house unless ive exercised first. Its been a hard battle for me as I have always been naturally avoidant of exercise, due to heightened sensory exp meaning its more uncomfortable – muscle/body pain more painful/heightened, + coordination, + autistic inertia. Hilarious…love your stuff. Its taken me sixty-five years to come to this conclusion about my self. I always used the adage ” Eh.. (I’m Canadian)…I’m a free spirit”. My wife says “Rebel Without a Clue” as a twist of that old 1955 movie with James Dean. I also realized that I haven’t been watching your videos enough lately since I was completely surprised; I had no idea that you had been working on this great book….. Been on an extended rabbit trail for a while now, so yeah, lol…..

Having a range of things that you can be in control of will help to keep your anxiety down, and you can go to these things and tinker when you feel a little anxious.Regarding PDA children and teenagers: I know the bedtime battles that you have with them as they see an enforced bedtime as a HUGE demand. Being a mum to a teenage PDA son is life-changing, and at times, utterly heart-wrenching experience. Seeing Harry through his own candid, entertaining and diplomatic lens, fills me with hope, quiet optimism, and (most importantly) confidence for my own son's future. Thank you Harry for your insight. -- Natasha, PDA mum I don’t know about you but, from a young age, the overwhelming and ever present demand of conforming and following precise life points has been the most intense and inescapable demands of my life. This in no way shape or form tells us what PDA is and it attempts it, all it succeed in doing it making us feel repulsed by an overly pampered middle class boy who seemed to have too many tantrums and blessed with parents with money who could accommodate his bad temper. He might be neurodivergent however totally failed in making the reader understand the pathology or make us feel compassion and understanding for the condition. Also, good article. I find writing lists extremely helpful – and keeping a small notebook on me. And refuse to buy outside of it or deviate from my plan otherwise the impulse control can be so problematic (I can just leave it for next time if not pre-decided – it eliminates stress of decision making on the spot in public) . What seems like a good idea when even mildly sensory overwhelmed is often not.

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