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How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

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The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right. If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation.” We can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. It’s so hard as an adult, too! Make a sign that says kitchen open at 7AM so that your child knows not to come into the kitchen until 7AM.

First we ran out of bananas. I was looking at a complete meltdown and in reaction I used one of the first things mentioned in the book: Write a shopping list. My husband thought I was crazy, but within seconds meltdown was averted, and my daughter was just happily pointing at the word Banana and my bad drawing on our list. Next day, another meltdown because breakfast wasn't ready fast enough. So I went all over the top, just like the book recommended. "Noooooo breakfast isn't done yet! And we really need that bread! Oh noooo look at this I'm almost done!" Describe your child’s effect on others – instead of being proud and expressing how sweet and fun he/she is with their sibling, comment on how much their baby brother loves when you make those sounds and those silly faces. Instead of “Don’t leave your mess piled up,” try: “Matthew, think of where you want to store your soccer stuff.” Letting the child fill in the blanks is more likely to create a lasting lesson. 20. When You Talk to Kids Use Rhyme Rules Dependence ultimately fosters feelings of helplessness, resentment, and frustration — but you don’t need to be told that because you know some of these people as adults.The book says that when your kid complains about the food you give him, you should say “Sounds like you’re disappointed and in the mood for something else” (10). So kids should get to choose the meals everyday? Who’s the boss? I agree that punishments are not helpful for children, however the author leaves out discipline entirely. Show them that you’re tuned in to how they feel with non-judgmental verbal cues: “I see that shoelace is giving you a hard time.”

One of these is the biological need for recovery time. When we get angry, our bodies are flooded with hormones.” Haven’t used it yet but I love the phrasing “Alfie will join you (or whatever) when he’s ready” in social situations where he’s feeling shy. Don’t bullshit them when you don’t know something; encourage them to ask friends or family who might have a better answer. Imagine complaining to a friend about something at work and they respond by a) blaming you; b) questioning your reaction; c) offering unsolicited advice; d) offering fake pity; e) psychoanalyzing you — you’d probably be annoyed. So, yeah. Don’t do that to your kid. When praising kids, be specific and describe effort; don’t label the child as good or smart or talented (135-146). Describe positives before negatives (148-149). Avoid praising by comparison (162).Giving your co-worker the chance to present their views uninterrupted is important. Let them field their ideas in public or in private conversations. That will give rise to more cooperation. Same deal with kids. Painting visual pictures in the minds of your audience will get them far more into your mindset and ideas then otherwise. Visual hooks are a powerful persuasion technique. Pretending to fly in public might be embarrassing but it beats yelling at your kid! Show your child how to make amends. ‘Your sister got scared when she was pushed. Let’s do something to make her feel better’” (93).

Tell your kids how you’re feeling. Examples: “I worry that you’ll get hurt,” “I get upset when kids hit each other,” “I don’t like it when...” (69-71). Try not to blame while saying it; avoid saying “you” and strong words like “furious.” I tried it: “I feel sad when kids don’t finish their food.” FAIL. Kid made excuses. Tried it another time: “I worry that you’ll step in poop when running through the grass on your hands and knees.” Kid replied, “I’m not going to step in poop!” FAIL. I feel like shouting from the rooftops! “I’VE FOUND IT! I’VE FINALLY FOUND IT! THE SURVIVAL GUIDE TO PARENTING!” I want to tell every single parent I know about this book. I want everyone’s lives to be easier because of this book. I want this book to help change parenting in people’s homes the way it did for mine. I want others to feel the relief of FINALLY having some answers on what you should really do! One of the keys to successful problem solving is to wait for a time when the mood is right. It can’t be done in the midst of frustration and anger. After the storm has passed, invite your child to sit down with you.”Turn a boring routine command into a playful challenge (49). I can see it working the first few times. But if you use it every time you want your kid to do something, the kid will likely tire of your game and stop playing. I tried it with getting my kid to eat: “Your food is saying ‘eat me!’” FAIL. The kid did not eat. Instead of a good job on getting your coat on, try “you kept on working on those buttons until they were in that little button hole.” You want your kids to trust their emotions, so don’t give them a reason to doubt themselves. Why the carrot is making them freak out is much more important than how ridiculous it is that they’re freaking out in the first place. Punishment is a top-down system that demoralizes when what you really want is to enlighten and instruct.

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