Joined in 2023 
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You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand." this book is a toolbox. more than that, it is a door. it is the door in a wall you built up so high for years and decades and now the only way out is through. I would have given this 3 stars and a more nuanced review but then I got to the part where he approaches a woman on her cell phone to ask her what she’s talking about. He did this as a dare/exercise in experiencing awkwardness. Honey, no. There are so many layers of why a man shouldn’t do this and it’s hard to imagine he’s not aware of them. Instead, his actions stated that his self-improvement was more important than her sense of safety. Context exists. You can choose to ignore it but that doesn’t make you bold and authentic; it makes you a bit of a jerk.
The core mindset of assertiveness is: My needs matter and so do yours. Let’s have a clear discussion about what we both want to see, what might work best for us both. Sometimes I will choose what serves me, even if it upsets you. And sometimes you will do something for yourself, even if I don’t like it. I never thought I could be capable of being so assertive, confident, and in control. I used to come across obviously assertive people and be jealous, even resentful toward them because I wished I could be like them. I wished I could have their confidence.That’s how I feel about a lot of self-help and business books at this point – unless they are super niched and tactical, they are all too similar to keep my interest. I'm going to fight my urge to be nice to critique this book. I will say the nice things first--I thought the exercises toward the beginning of the book were really useful and helpful. Especially the one about writing down all the rules that you've made for yourself that you feel bad about breaking and the one about trying to figure out exactly what you like and want. Ok. The not nice...
Long answer: I've struggled with people pleasing, anxiety, low self esteem, and stuttering my whole life. I wanted to please everyone. Say yes to everyone. Say yes to nobody. Everybody else came before me. Someone asks me to help them move? HOW could I POSSIBLE say no? Because if I say no, then they won't like me any more right? This book gives you a new pair of eyes that you can never close. You see things you never saw before. You realize just how much people apologize for ANYTHING that doesn't warrant an apology. It made me remember having a boyfriend in high school for a short period… who I never really liked. But because he was really nice and liked me, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him. (Yeah… that’s pretty bad.) I hear about your mom, and your brother, and your dad. I hear about everyone else and what they want. But I don’t hear much of you in the story. It’s like you’re a minor character, and your needs and wants don’t really count for much.”
Hesitation: You often wait for the “right thing” to say (and thus speak way less than you normally do). The only way to become the assertive person that you want to be is by DOING it. Follow the steps. They are SO UNCOMFORTABLE AT FIRST. But it really does get easier with time. The reason why i gave 4 stars to this book is because it got me thinking about people pleasing, caring too much about what people think about me and not being able to say NO when i want to. It definitely helped me in that way and also to analyze myself. I am on my way to change it and become more authentic and bold. I can honestly say without a doubt, that I am now the MOST assertive person I know, and I mean that with all the honesty in my heart. I feel powerful, in control, less anxious, happier, and I even stutter less lol.
There’s a solid takeaway here for people who take on too much responsibility for the feelings of others, but I wonder if the advice within is really all that healthy. It’s based on (lengthy) personal experiences and anecdotes. You certainly might still get a lot from the book just by asking yourself questions as you listen, but I have a genuine question: Is there a book that provides the same self-reflection without the cringe? I’d be interested in that book.
This book as made me incredibly assertive, REALLY spiked my confidence, lowered my anxiety, and even lessened my stuttering. And it goes away more and more every day. You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” - Dita Von Teese I wanted to read a book that would help me relax a little bit better when I was tending to work I do for my businesses.
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