Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-free Parenting

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Question for you – what are your triggers? How can you become more mindful of them? Connection is the secret to happy parenting

The other thing that rubs me wrong about this book is the constant appeal to "science." According to Markham, after 10,000 years, we have finally figured out how to raise well-adjusted human beings, and this book is the summary of those findings. Her suggestions are very precise, and her insinuations that your child will be messed up forever if you don't follow her method are not subtle. I started out this year with "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, which was an extremely validating and powerful reading experience for me and has been immensely important in our parenting. This book is in a similar vein. It may be more appealing and accessible to people just beginning to explore gentle discipline, because it is softer in its presentation and has much more in the way of concrete examples. (I see "Unconditional Parenting" as being more of a tool to develop one's overall parenting philosophy, with some examples and a few concrete instructions. "Peaceful Parent..." is more of a guidebook, I'd say.) It's based on the latest research on brain development and clinical experience with parents, rather than opinion. So why the feelings of failure? Well, my kiddo is a teen now, and while reading I couldn't help but see all the ways I could have done better by her and myself. But that is not the book's failing. The book isn't responsible for my past choices - it didn't even exist when my kiddo was born - but I wish it did.So why the three star rating? The delivery didn't work for me on multiple levels. For instance, she supports the idea that the goal of setting limits is to inspire children to self-discipline over time and makes a distinction between discipline and punishment. But then she decides to call it "loving guidance" instead of "discipline". This tendency in modern parenting guides to try to coin shareable phrases annoys me... there's already a perfectly good word for what you're describing. There's a lot of this sort of flowery language and it doesn't appeal to me as a reader or as a parent looking for help in the day-to-day struggle of raising children. Get support in working through old issues . Raising kids is tough work, so make sure you ask for help when you struggle emotionally (even if that involves just talking with a friend). There are two main ways to help him discharge big emotions: tears and laughter. In a nutshell, we need to help a child play when he can and cry when he needs to. Use your inner pause button. To break the cycle, we need to stop for a moment and remind ourselves what would happen if we react in a usual way. All parenting starts with re-parenting our inner child. Sometimes, we feel that we don’t want to raise our kids the same way as our parents raised us, but some particular behaviours just start popping up (like nagging, yelling, punishing, etc.), and it seems we have no control over it. That’s because some reactions and behavioural patterns were installed in our brains in our childhood, and if we want to break this cycle, we need to start with healing our own wounds. Mindfully. Here are a few practical ideas on how to do it:

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids has three big ideas: 1. Regulating Yourself, 2. Fostering Connection, and 3. Coaching Not Controlling. Some thoughts on each: My son recently turned 2 and it seemed overnight, he became easily frustrated and had a hard time calming down. There have also been times where he would not listen to me (like running away in public), and our time together would become a battle. I just knew there had to be a better way, but wasn't sure what to do. I've always considered myself (or aspired to be) a "peaceful parent," but that's not how I grew up, so I wasn't sure what to model for him. Well, this book has given me the tools and it's been an eye-opener! It's an easy read, and it explains so much! Instead of reacting to everything, PAUSE (the book tells you how, ha ha)! I've noticed a major difference in just a week--with myself, my marriage, and my son! Now, I get to be the parent I've always wanted to be: one who really enjoys her child and has internal peace. I always admired those moms at church who had 8 kids and seemed unfazed by the little things. Here I have one child, and couldn't seem to center myself. This book has been it for me! Being a peaceful parent can be achieved, fellow Moms and Dads! Dr Markham writes that our ability to enjoy our children may be the most important factor in their development. A strong and loving relationship with our child is one of the best investments in life, and it has long-lasting benefits.Then! Part 2! Which opens with a statement that children in daycare more than 20 hours a week and/or who start daycare before age 3 will inevitably develop behavioral problems (if your kid meets both criteria, you might as well just set up a drug-rehab-in-high-school fund now), and goes downhill from there. She follows that up with saying that if you HAVE to work, then every second with your children has to be one in which you are giving them your undivided attention (even if you have more than one child, which I'm pretty sure violates the laws of physics). And she follows THAT by saying that "if you have to set an alarm, you're not getting enough sleep" and you're a bad parent for not practicing good self-care.

I also feel like the author focuses on minutiae to an absurd degree. She claims that if you tell your daughter she's a good girl for working hard, she's going to believe she's only good when she's working hard, and this will lead to an unfulfilling life as a workaholic. (No, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.) Obviously, it’s much harder to do when you have more than two children, but nothing is impossible. The whole point is to regularly have this quality one-to-one time with each of your children. Coaching, not controlling

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One of the important notes here is that sometimes our child’s emotions are triggered by essential needs that go unmet. We often focus on physical needs (sleep, food and cleanliness), and their deeper needs remain unmet: the need for unconditional love, worthiness, intimacy and belonging, independence, mastery, meaning or power. Once you figure out which needs aren’t being met and fill this void, your child will be more cooperative and well-behaved ☺ Punishment doesn’t work So many things in this book were almost uncanny in how they described my children, but I really struggled with the idea of removing consequences and time outs as a part of our parenting techniques. However, I have already seen differences in my kids after just a few days and I am happier as a mom. I can honestly say that today was the first day in a long time where I didn't feel emotionally exhausted at the days end and truly enjoyed being a mom! I recommend this book to any parent who wants to truly get to the root of the behavior problems with their kids. I have turned into something of a parenting-book junkie since my daughter reached age 15 months and made me feel like I was losing my mind. You know the type...she would hit the dog, I would say no, then she would look me in the eye and punch the dog. Anyway, since then I have read at least 12 parenting books, and this book is definitely in my top 2. My only caveat is that I come from a long line of yellers, and I am doing my best, but sometimes my volume goes up. Dr. Markham teaches to never ever raise your voice, and I'm trying, but that's where my other top 2 book comes in: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen... (Faber and Mazlish). If you absolutely must raise your voice, they describe how to do it without ruining your kids. These books are quite complementary in my mind: Dr. Markham's is the big picture and How to Talk expounds on the details. If you don't read any other parenting books, please read these two. I just wish this one had been published when my daughter was born!