A Lesbian Mother's Handbook

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Mum cried. I cried. We convinced ourselves it was a phase. She asked me to make an effort to be be ‘normal’. I said I would.” After being hit, one woman went to the police station only to be told that “the man who hit you deserves a prize, he was right to beat you up”.

Maybe you shouldn’t have had kids,” Mom said on another one of those endless mornings after Hope was born, standing at my sink in her red capri pants and white Talbots short-sleeve button-down. She was mixing oatmeal for me, the spoon clinking accusingly against the ceramic bowl, her short dark hair falling just so. We met four different families living in the UK, to talk about both the benefits and the challenges of raising children with two mums. In each case, it was noticeable that both mothers were equally involved in all aspects of their children's lives; and that they consider open communication with their children to be crucial. They shared with us their style of parenting, how they explain the difference of their situation to their children – and whether attitudes towards gay families have really changed. ASHLING PHILLIPS AND NATALIE DREW My three kids all still call me Mommy (though the oldest refers to me as mom in public) :) they call my partner Mom C (short for Christa) or Momsy.In 2016, her husband found out about these conversations and her marriage broke down. He vowed to keep her sexuality a secret from the wider community for the sake of their children. NATALIE: The children are still a bit too young to really be aware that our family isn't the traditional set-up. They know Ash and I love one another and that Daddy Ben helped us make them. After the birth of her youngest child, Nella says she began to feel like the most isolated woman in the world. She doesn't want to go into much detail about her marriage. She says it would compromise her children’s safety. I was terrified to bring shame, guilt, and dishonor to them, to burden them with my truth. Even the thought of telling my family who I was made me feel very selfish. I told myself that I was silent about my sexual orientation to protect the family from judgment and discrimination. So instead of sharing my confusion and the struggles of exploring my sexual orientation, I distanced myself from the people, places, and things I loved. LAURA: I think we plan a lot more than a straight couple would. Natalie and I were discussing how we'd pay for the children's education before she got pregnant. It's all to do with having to make such an effort to try and have children – you're constantly reminding yourself what you went through to have them and that it was a more conscious decision than if you were to accidentally fall pregnant.

DAKSHA: Seema and I met through work and it was quite instant for me. I hadn't dated an Asian woman before, but it felt so right. I am Jewish so we chose Ima (Hebrew for mother). There was a bit of time after my son started talking that he call me Ima and my wife Ima Mommy. We thought it was adorable. His big sister constantly corrected him though so now they use Ima and Mommy exclusively. Poppy fits me because similarly to the other parenting titles, it’s letters sound as if they’re repeating. I am also an avid gardener and poppies are one of my favorite flowers. My favorite fun fact about them is that they’re used to create opium and alike threatening toxin to humans and animals. Which is fitting because I’m very protective of my family. [Trans-masculine non-binary gestational parent] RUTH: We wanted the children to know who these men are. We don't call them a dad – they are a donor – although the word doesn't quite match or fit the role they play in the children's lives. We see them once every couple of months and the relationships have developed over time. The whole process was quite intense, but we're aware that these fantastic men have helped us out in the most enormous way. And, if you need this study in your toolbox to ward off the naysayers, sexual orientation does not affect the outcome of fertility treatments with donated sperm.ASHLING: It's been difficult at times because I think people in our town weren't exposed to gay families before. Overall we've been accepted by our community, but every now and then there's a little reminder that people don't know how to deal with gay families. The week before Father's Day this year, Giana's class made cards, and because her school wasn't sure what to do with her, they got her to make a card for her little brother instead. She's young and didn't understand why she was asked to make a card for her brother while all the other children made cards for their dads. The school knows that Natalie and I are together – they just didn't know how to deal with the dad issue. You have the choice between a known sperm donor ‒ a friend or family member ‒ or an anonymous sperm donor, who you would find through a sperm bank. He remembers his grandmother well. She was small, almost like a child, though very round. She had five children and her sons left home as soon as they could. Sometime before they turned 2, they started calling us “ mama/mommy (first name).” They are 4.5 now, and it’s still going strong. Before they were born, I thought that hearing them use our first names would be strange or uncomfortable, but it happened organically and came from them, so it feels like the most natural thing in the world now.

Our son is 4 months old and we plan on letting him decide what he’d like to call us. until then we refer to each other as mommy or mama, equally as often. We started talking at lunch,” says Niya. “Within that conversation, we knew that we were the same. There was a shorthand, a recognition.” Do lesbian mums make the best parents? According to research released earlier this year, children raised by two mothers do better academically, have higher self-esteem and are less likely to have behavioural problems than peers who have been brought up in a family with two heterosexual parents. SEEMA: Her biological father is very much what we wanted. When Lia asks who her dad is and we tell her, she will already have a relationship with him. As far as I'm concerned she is our daughter, and although the law allowing me to appear on the birth certificate changed after Lia was born, I have legal parental responsibility with Daksha. Leila thinks domestic abuse in families where a woman is suspected of being lesbian or bisexual is a big cause for concern. The group has heard of abuse as a result of sexuality but it is impossible to verify. Often women withdraw their stories for fear of what might happen to them.Leila, Niya, Nella and their friends would often meet at these places. But listening to each other’s life stories led to a sombre realisation. It's complex, but what families aren't complicated?": Daksha, Seema and baby Lia. Photograph: Karen Robinson for the Observer It’s a great day to meet friends in the park. The women are in high spirits, chatting animatedly, playfully sketching patterns on each other using body paint, and sharing a picnic. RUTH: You'll always come across people who are prejudiced. What's amazed us is that we're going through it as adults, and it's easy to forget what it's like for a child. Just recently Lara and I have tried to look at prejudiced behaviour from a seven-year-old's point of view and teach them skills to deal with what may come. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me my whole life,” I said, looking down at her, placing my hand over hers.

Growing up, I used to wish that I was ‘normal’,” says Leila. “Now we joke about how we’re not normal. We say we’re aliens and we have superpowers.” Millennials watch most of their porn between the twitching hour of 11 p.m. and midnight, whereas old people, obviously, need that sleep to live. DAKSHA: I've been out to my family since I was 17. It didn't go down great at the time, as I come from a close-knit Asian Hindu community in Birmingham. My parents didn't know what being a lesbian meant and were fearful of what people would say. My siblings, cousins and people of my age within the community were fabulous. Once my parents came to terms with it, everybody else just followed suit.Our daughter has 3 moms! She calls her dad’s girlfriend “ mom“, I’m also “ mom“, and my wife, Megan, is either “ Mama Megan” or simply “ Megan“!