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Dozens of SFW videos on YouTube share ways to get into BDSM play, whether it’s rope tying for bondage or techniques for delivering the perfect spanking. Kink and BDSM are just other forms of sexual expression and ways to connect with the sexuality of others. Tea parties, play parties, munches and dress-up groups are scheduled across the nation for members of this community to have unforgettable experiences together. Fetster is great for learning more about the online BDSM world. When you join Fetster, you can find free kink and BDSM events, blog posts, videos, adult content, and online BDSM groups.
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At its core, BDSM is a sexual practice about intentional, exaggerated power play. Terms like Master, slave, Dominant, Goddess, pet, bitch, and slut are all regular parts of the lexicon. Consider how consent makes all the difference between being called a “stupid slut” while walking down the street, and being called the same name in the course of a scene (a pre-negotiated, planned BDSM interaction). Degradation is a common BDSM dynamic, and is rooted in the submissive’s connection between their own arousal or pleasure and that practice. If a woman in a scene is being called a “good little whore,” it’s likely because that’s what she has asked to be called. It is equally likely that she has set clear boundaries around what she does not want to be called, what sorts of degradation are off limits for her, and how both she and her Dominant know when the scene is over. Scrolling through fetish and kink searches online, anyone would be met with the profiles of both femme doms and the professional dominatrix. Both have similar roles but different lifestyles. According to the Los Angeles transplant from Illinois, there is a difference between the two.I became a femme dom in 2009, due to the fact that I was in relationships that just didn’t work for me,” she says. “In traditional relationships, the male was dominant and the woman role was traditional, and I was in a marriage that just didn’t work for me at all. So when I decided to become a femme dom or a dominatrix, things began to change for me and I enjoyed being in control. I’ve always been that type of person. I have control over most of the things in my life in the vanilla world, and then of course coming over into the kink space, it was very comfortable. I became a dominatrix because I knew I would have better relationships.” I think what draws people are the taboo of the different things that we do,” she says. “We wear latex, spandex, leather, and all of these clothing options make this lifestyle fun.” She began to explain how even vanilla people practice forms of BDSM unknowingly. “If a person is in their bedroom doing a little spanking in their play, they may not know that that’s BDSM, but it is,” she said.
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She was a lady who controlled the household financially, she controlled her husband, and he loved every minute of it,” she continues. “I grew to understand a little more about relationships through watching her relationship with her husband, my grandfather. They were married 45 years before he passed.”
The BDSM lifestyle attracts many people of all walks of life. Mothers, nephews, grandmothers, politicians, doctors and even judges can be seen playing in a dungeon or attending a kink event, but most of these people aren’t living out and in the open. Engaging safely in kink/BDSM play requires a level of trust in self and others and a sense of worth within specific boundaries all wrapped up in pleasure and fun,” Coleman continues. “In addition, the experience of engaging in kinky play can rewire or amplify certain brain–body neural pathways that create a sense of safety and joy that contributes to a person’s psychological functioning.” Playing in this space as a woman is all about role reversal and giving men the training Mistress C feels they deserve. “I believe women are just being hit over the head with ‘they need to be submissive,’ and I don’t believe that,” she said. “I believe women are very powerful, and when they tap into that power, they are able to help direct men in a space where they are a little more loving, caring, empathetic. I think that’s what a lot of our men need, that type of training that they really don’t get at home, that makes them better men overall.” People can’t accept that there are people who enjoy kink or get pleasure from pain,” she educates. “BDSM isn’t not about sex, once again, but it’s still a sexual experience causing a sexual sensation. People are consenting. Masochism is all about pushing the level of pleasure in that pain space that can induce endorphins and dopamine and changes of that nature in the body.
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That is really a natural high that people experience when they push their threshold of pain. Abuse is when the other person is not consenting to the situation. Practicing BDSM is when people are giving consent to being spanked, humiliated, objectified. They are consenting to have these things to happen to them.” There is a divide in medical and therapeutic communities about whether BDSM is actually a healing modality or a vehicle for retraumatization. But as kink grows in popularity, and as kinksters from marginalized identities enter into psychology and other emotional and behavioral health fields, there are increasing numbers of safe spaces for kinky people to process some of their traumas outside the sex dungeon. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom boasts a robust list of kink-positive, non-pathologizing mental health professionals for kinksters looking to heal and contextualize their desires. You can find like-minded people to chat with, exchange erotic pictures. Just keep in mind, this option is most definitely not safe for work. Many users include nudes directly in their profile pictures, which you'll see right away.The journey into the BDSM lifestyle began for 52-year-old Carmen Day early on in her life, and she contributes her love for the lifestyle to her grandmother. “The reason why I decided to become a femme dom and a dominatrix was due to things in my past as a young person in my grandmother’s house, who was a femme dom herself as quite as it’s kept,” says Carmen. I ask Mistress C about why the BDSM lifestyle appeals to so many; she believes it has a lot to do with the draw of anything considered to be taboo. There are many who can’t understand the correlation between pain being pleasurable and somewhat sexual, but according to Mistress C, BDSM is about more than just sex. I think most people aren’t as out there and in your face with it,” agrees Mistress C. “In L.A. where I live, I am out. Not a lot of people are out, and they can’t be for a number of reasons. Their jobs, their families, whatever the case may be, they may have to continue to practice underground. A lot of people still have to remain underground.” Mistress C has always been drawn to the lifestyle of being a dominant as a femme dom, so when her marriage turned out to be an improper fit for her lifestyle, she decided to make some life changes.
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BDSM Date is famous for its social features such as blogs and forums where you can chat and interact with other users. This option is great for finding casual with local singles who are into latex and leather, bondage, femdom, and more. Many people come to the [kink] lifestyle because they can find access to care, connection, community, bodily autonomy, empowerment, acceptance, and most of all, pleasure in ways they cannot access in other parts of their lives,” says licensed psychologist Nikki Coleman, Ph.D. “These experiences in and of themselves are healing.”
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