An Extra Pair of Hands: A story of caring and everyday acts of love

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Rosalind Smith, in Suffolk, was a full-time carer for her husband, John, for eight years. Kate’s experiences resonated greatly with her. This is a sensitive and perceptive book for carers,’ says Rosalind. ‘The author knows all about the frustrations, traumas and, thankfully, the joys of caring for loved ones. She found herself becoming the main carer for her father, and then in a supportive role for her mother and, later, for her rather feisty mother-in-law.’ As Kate Mosse points out in the opening chapter of the book, An Extra Pair of Hands is not a ‘how to’ book but a tribute to three ‘extraordinary’ people – her father, her mother and her mother-in-law – and her own reflections on becoming a carer, the ‘extra pair of hands’ of the book’s title.

By the end of the An Extra Pair of Hands, I felt uplifted by the strength of the human spirit, the power of friendship and compassion and the joy of lives lived well.Caroline Branney, who manages our Dementia Knowledge Centre, says, ‘Mosse tells an absorbing story about her family, in particular the older generation. She mentions three Rs – routine, repetition and regularity. But even so, she often felt she was falling short much of the time.

What came through particularly clearly for me was the older generation’s determination to not be a burden: living through the Second World War gave them a sense of perspective, such that they mostly did not complain about physical ailments and did not expect heroic measures to be made to help them. (Her father knew his condition was “becoming too much” to deal with, and Granny Rosie would sometimes say, “I've had enough of me.”) In her father’s case, this was because he held out hope of an afterlife. Although Mosse does not share his religious beliefs, she is glad that he had them as a comfort. This is intertwined with thoughts about ageing, caring and an account of life during the pandemic.’ But even with Mosse’s advantages “it’s hard”, she bluntly admits, and “often it feels as if there are no good options, only less bad ones”. She notes that the origin of the word care is the old German word chara for “burden of the mind”. On several occasions, she comments on the “numbing” repetitiveness of daily tasks, but perhaps even more painful is the powerlessness entailed in caring for the elderly as you witness their process of loss – of faculties, of freedom and independence – with only limited ability to relieve or ease it. The paradox about carers is that a strong satisfaction lies in “fixing things” – making someone better, cheering them up – but that may not be possible. Mosse admits sadly that “however much you do, it never feels enough.” As an epigram to the book, Mosse quotes Adrienne Rich: “Freedom is daily, prose-bound, routine remembering.” Throughout the book she weaves in family history; stories of her childhood in West Sussex, the marriage of her parents and the wonderful character of her mother-in-law who took an entertainment troupe round local care homes to regale residents with music and song. Thus Mosse portrays the riches of reciprocal relations of care between one generation and the next, and is a helpful corrective to the negativity that sometimes burdens the subject. Caroline says, ‘Mosse discusses the concept of the term “carer” and how it compares to “being caring” in the normal run of things.Kate Mosse takes us on. her journey of caring for her mother, father and mother-in-law. Anyone who has cared for a family member or friend will be able to relate to her honest account of the conflicting emotions and the challenges that she experienced, but what I loved about this book was that it reminds us that caring is a privilege, and one that will enrich your life and your relationships. Kate argues that too often the needs of carers are overlooked and she produces evidence to show that the responsibility for caring falls overwhelmingly on women, leading her to conclude, ‘Care is a feminist issue.’ She is honest enough to admit that she is in a more fortunate position than most carers, including having an occupation that she can do from home. I think the book was especially good at communicating the many facets of being a carer – the emotional, physical, social and financial aspects as well as the practical day-to-day responsibilities. A deeply moving story of what it means to care for those we love by bestselling author Kate Mosse, a celebration of older people and ageing, and of finding joy in the smallest acts of everyday caregiving.

Ten years ago, on the fictional island of Inisrun, a young woman was murdered but nobody was ever charged with the crime. A decade later, two documentary film-makers have arrived to interview residents and try to uncover the truth. Exploring themes of class, wealth, desire and coercive control, O’Neill’s psychological thriller is a meticulously researched and emotionally astute exploration into the far-reaching impact of domestic abuse. Over the past two decades, the bestselling author has been a carer three times: to her father suffering from Parkinson’s, to her widowed mother and presently to her mother-in-law, the exuberant Granny Rosie. Unafraid to depict the exhausting reality of caring, her timely story is compassionate and humane, judiciously blending the personal with the political; as she eloquently argues, “care is a feminist issue”. The Maidens This book just took my breath away and shows so much love and care towards Kate's family and so much courage one family can have. A carer is a very special person in so many ways and I cared for my father in Law for many years until the end of life....So a big Hug to you Kate and family, this book is an inspiration for us all out there. Mosse’s parents and mother-in-law all moved to live with her and her husband in their Chichester home when they reached old age. Her father had Parkinson’s and died in 2011, her mother survived him by a few years, and Granny Rosie is still going reasonably strong at the age of 90. This is a compact and relatable account of a daughter’s experiences of caregiving and grief, especially with the recent added complication of a pandemic. This is a story about the gentle heroism of our carers, about small everyday acts of tenderness, and finding joy in times of crisis. It’s about juggling priorities, mindnumbing repetition, about guilt and powerlessness, about grief, and the solace of nature when we’re exhausted or at a loss. It is also about celebrating older people, about learning to live differently – and think differently about ageing.The are many moments of insight, such as the distinction between ‘caring’ and being a ‘carer’. As she says, the latter is about ‘routine, the endless repetition of things, of always having someone else’s needs at the forefront of your mind. The quotidian tasks that repeat and repeat: conversations, medication, meals, laundry, personal hygiene.’

It was never an issue about care. We knew, as a family, that Mum would be at home and that we could look after her. We have amazing support from our local Hospice, from the Community team and from the carers that come in every day to help, but in the main, it's down to my Dad. He's 76 and Mum is 80. I have read a few Kate Mosse books, loved her Languadoc Trilogy so when I saw that she had released a non fiction book, I won’t lie to you, I was intrigued. Especially when I saw its association with the Wellcome Collection. I have to say, I wasn’t disappointed. As our population ages, more and more of us find ourselves caring for parents and loved ones – some 8.8 million people in the UK. An invisible army of carers holding families together.Kate Mosse talks about how many carers there are in the UK, and how they are mostly forgotten about, or taken advantage of. How families and loved ones take on caring responsibilities without a thought for their own physical or mental health. She talks about how families pull together, and how the departure of elderly loved ones can leave such a massive hole, one that will never be filled. She became very alert to the slightest sound, especially during the dark hours of the night, when “too many things can go wrong” – when a stumble on the way to the bathroom can lead to a serious fall, when night terrors can take hold, when those with dementia find themselves lost in a world where time no longer exists. I am a Big fan of Kate Mosse and I have read all her books. Every book of Kate's are just remarkable and this latest book "An Extra Pair of Hands" was a book from the heart especially as this book is about Kate's own personal story finding herself as a carer in middle age: firstly helping her heroic mother care for her beloved father through Parkinson's, then supporting her mother in widowhood, and finally as 'an extra pair of hands' for her 90-year-old mother-in-law.