Smiffy's Sexy Vamp Costume - Small

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I learned a few things on this journey, mainly that most vampires are excruciatingly hot in a way that makes me feel bad and compromises my morals.

Rayne (Kristanna Loken)/Bloodrayne (2005): Is the movie good? Not really. Is it scary? Not really. Is it sexy? Yes. Kristanna Loken is fantastic as Bloodrayne. She is smart, sexy, and driven by a bloodlust. She is what she needs to be in a movie that is not -'nuff said! The story begins with a sweet displaced divorcee named Lucy (played beautifully by Dianne Wiest), trying to make a fresh start for herself and her two teen boys, Sam (Corey Haim) and Michael (Jason Patric) by moving them all in to the boys' creepily weird grandfather’s (Emmy and Tony Award-winner Barnard Hughes) house in Santa Carla, California. It’s a quaint little beach side town with all the standard tourist traps like a boardwalk, carnival rides and musty old bookstores as well as a very high homicide rate.

Dracula’s Daughter (1936)

Is perpetual horniness the hottest quality a person could have? Absolutely not. But Laszlo, who visits libraries (hot) for the pornography, almost has me convinced that it is. Directed by Michael Almereyda (“Twister”) and starring Elina Löwensohn as Nadja and Peter Fonda as Van Helsing, this ’90s arthouse horror features a David Lynch cameo as a morgue attendant. Lynch also lends his name as executive producer. Dracula’s Bride (Monica Bellucci)/Bram Stokers Dracula (1992): There were a few vampire beauties in this Dracula film so it took something special to stand out. Monica Bellucci has that something. I wish I knew what it was. In any case, she doesn’t really talk but she slides up between your legs while you’re in bed minding your own business and she eats babies. SOLD! Eddie Murphy is a hot and suave vampire in Wes Craven’s cult classic about Maximillian, a smooth-talking Caribbean vampire who ends up in Brooklyn and attempts to romance a detective (Angela Bassett) investigating a crime scene he’s responsible for. Maximillian’s look is a little more classic vampire, but make it ’90s, with that long hair, oversized overcoat, a scarf, and a little hoop earring. If Maximillian were walking around Brooklyn today, you would probably just note his cool outfit and move along. In the Fright Night remake, Colin Farrell is a vampire who wears a white, skin-tight muscle tank (very Ryan Atwood) and a sensible henley. Now that’s Martin Scorsese’s cinema, sweetie.

Frank Langella delivers a groundbreaking performance as the lead and master of all “Dracula” movies. He is riveting and reels with a sexual presence and sophisticated charm which renders all other Dracula movies null and void. Kate Nelligan is a young, beautiful and capable heroine as the focal point of love that transcends death and time. Laurence Olivier is a smart Van Helsing who makes a worthy opponent. The remaining ensemble round things out by delivering superb performances, making this a Gothic masterpiece with an atmosphere which is genuinely creepy. Our leading man, Dracula himself, is played lavishly by Gary Oldman. His performance is riveting and intoxicating. He draws the viewers into the darkest heart of obsessive love and passionately pulls them along through a twisted path of blood lust, longing, obsession, savagery and horror that leaves you breathless at every turn. I know what you’re probably thinking: Carrie, you just wrote that this is not a list of every single character from The Vampire Diaries. It’s not, but that’s almost what it is. In fairness to me, the hottest vampires from The Vampire Diaries are played by some of the hottest people who have ever lived, so they deserve our time and respect. In normal life, we do not like to see a man in a suit rip hearts out of bodies with ease. But when Elijah Mikaelson pulls this signature move, we very much like to see it, especially if blood gets in his hair, which is as delicious to me as my blood is to him. Elijah has a soft spot for the underdog, a quality that absolutely factors into hotness, and he is the star of the hottest GIF of all time, which you know intimately if you had a Tumblr phase. I won't say this is a great movie. I am willing to say it's a decent watch. It uses ideas from other movies that were established in the past and builds on them thereby creating something more unique.The characters seem to camp it up a bit with cheeky humor that might make some groan but which I found rather charming. It's quite stylish and I believe that it is that very "peppered with amusing dialog which is used as a bit of counter balance to many of the more broody scenes. Prolific Spanish filmmakerJesús Franco was known for stylish exploitation films, and cast his favorite leading lady Soledad Miranda (billed as Susann Korda)in what would be the fourth of eight collaborations between the two. Franco transposed Bram Stoker’s short story “Dracula’s Guest” to 1970s Istanbul, where Dracula’s heir sets her sights on American lawyer Linda (Ewa Strömberg).The remaining draw is the love story itself. This is a highly romanticized version of Dracula. I think most people like to believe that “love never dies” and someone might pine for them so powerfully they would “cross oceans of time to find them.” This is ultimately a story about the timelessness of love and the promise of it’s immortal kiss. The implication is that she is deeply repressed. Where does all that repression go? It's often directed inward in the form of erotic dreams where inhibitions and public criticism are stripped away.Most of these dreams are being spurred on by Martin, including a full on partially drug induced orgy and blood bath with fellow college co-eds.The idea that many of the vampire encounters seem like dreams rather than actual visitations is a big part of this movies appeal. Marking the first time the lesbian vampire appears onscreen, Universal Pictures was well aware that its “Dracula” sequel had sapphic overtones. In “The Celluloid Closet,” gay film historian Vito Russo noted the studio stoked the flames in its initial marketing. Russo also cites the film as an early example of the (albeit negative) predatory homosexual trope. Salma Hayek’s character is not hot in her full vampiric form: She’s more like a crusty demon, which is why she didn’t make it to the top of this ranking. But Salma Hayek dancing with a snake in a bikini in From Dusk Till Dawn is a cultural moment that is too often ignored. Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos by Dimension Films, Screen Gems, The WB Television Network, The CW, New Line Cinema, and Warner Bros