Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

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How to be supportive and keeping the lecturing temptation to a minimum....I wish that all came naturally but unfortunately, it's doesn't. In the introduction, the author mentioned that his nine principles were discovered and refined with his own adult children, which makes the engineer in me cringe a little and say that his sample-size for these recommendations was very small. n=3 adult children

Independence is the goal. This means adult children take full responsibility for their finances, actions, relationships, and growth and development.The aim of Jim (and Homeword)’s work is to strengthen and equip parents, couples and families. They believe in strong marriages, confident parents, and empowered kids. Big Ideas Tensions show in each family, across generations, dividing parent from child and prospective in-law and every permutation in between. There are many beautiful and touching moments in these events, but weddings are also a powder keg of potential bad feeling.

Some of the difficulties highlight subtle links between a mother’s own experience and that of her children. As a psychodynamic psychotherapist, Byford is attuned to spotting patterns, such as those of Carole, who feared that her daughter’s husband and his family would become closer to her than she could get. Byford wonders if Carole might be over-interpreting events or even provoking them, as in her youth she had suffered with her own mother, who remarried and had two more children, leaving Carole to be sent, unhappily, to boarding school. We have all acted like fools at one time or another. And again it is not we that classify someone as a fool, but it is their behavior. Biblically, and especially in Proverbs, there are many character-traits for fools.) The Dibble Institute is a 501(c)3 nonprofit that promotes relationship training for youth—especially in the context of dating and romantic connections. Our goal is help to young people build a foundation for healthy romantic relationships now, and for lasting, positive family environments in the future.” Be encouraging but not intrusive. You are a consultant at their will. Your job is to be caring and supportive of your child, to mentor only when called upon, and to be your child’s biggest cheerleader."Audrey: Be comfortable with a little bit of discomfort or sometimes a lot of discomfort, which is when your child’s going through a difficult time trying to do something on their own. You know, the innate desire as a parent is to jump in and rescue. That’s not what they need. This helpful, practical, and at times profoundly insightful book will help you either save or build your relationship with your grown children. You'll be immensely grateful you read it." Carey Nieuwhof I ask Byford, who is in her early 70s, if she thinks this younger generation is different, but she feels that this difficult transition has long been there and in fact could well have been faced by her own mother, who had very definite ambitions for her daughter and clearly expressed disappointment at times. Just as adult children are transitioning into adults and parents, so older women are transitioning out of active mothering into the latter stage of their lives. The basic thrust is in the title-keep your big mouth shut and be welcoming. Burns does stress that this doesn't mean we agree with all our adult children choices (they know when they are going against your family's principles, etc.) but that you don't become such a scold that they cease talking to you or sharing.

So what do we do, moving forward? How can we love our kids well, even when we don’t love the choices they make? FamilyLife®. All Rights Reserved. FamilyLife® is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation and all gifts are tax deductible as allowed by law.Mothers told me that they are constantly trying to balance what is on and not on for them to say. To some extent they live in fear of getting it wrong and for the relationship to break down because of something small they got wrong.” It could be an opinion, a criticism or a random comment that is seen as aggressive. We’ll be talking about enabling and entitlement, and we’ll learn some practical ways that we as parents can help guide our children into responsible adulthood. Because let’s be honest. Our kids will all blow it, in one way or another. They might get in trouble. They might violate our values. Or they might just do stuff that boggles our minds, like when one of my relatives tried to unclog his toilet with a cherry bomb. He dropped it in the bowl and then stood on the lid.

We can do the same thing. We can love our adult children, even when we don’t love the choices they make. We can ask God to bless and protect them, even as we ask him–and trust him–to work on their hearts. And we can be ready, with arms open wide, to welcome them when they come home Audrey: I do want to encourage parents to read your book and I think it’s good to read as early as you can, even during adolescence or sooner to kind of prepare yourself emotionally for the journey so that you’re ready for it. But even if you have already a 30 year old, you could still read it and get some great insights from it. Jim Burns: Even if they’ve not launched or they’re not doing so well or if they violated values, the bottom line is they’re asking this question, do you still love me? And I really believe that our kids need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, Hey, I still love you and we’re going to get through this process together in that. I think that’s the best thing. We as parents can offer our kids at the same time know we do have to set boundaries and hold expectations but in a way very different than when they were children.HAPPY CAMPERS–full of practical and powerful tools that parents can immediately put into practice–lights a path to help parents nurture a culture of connection in our homes…to help our children become their best selves.” Enabling behavior shields people from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior.