276°
Posted 20 hours ago

The Seven-Day Love Prescription

£9.9£99Clearance
ZTS2023's avatar
Shared by
ZTS2023
Joined in 2023
82
63

About this deal

JG: Yeah, that Robinson and Price finding is so important because initially when psychologists started designing couples therapies, they thought, “Unhappy couples are not nice to each other, that’s the problem. They have to have love days where they really express more love.” Well, that wasn’t the case at all. It’s that they weren’t noticing that the love was actually there and getting expressed. Imagine missing 50% of all the positivity your partner does in an evening, just not seeing it and then feeling so deprived. [laughter] The Love Prescription distills their life’s work into a bite-size, seven-day action plan with easy, immediately actionable steps. There will be no grand gestures and no big, hard conversations. There’s nothing to buy or do to prepare. Anyone can do this, from any starting point. BB: Yeah, I just wonder sometimes if I miss some of the… I’m on a lot for work, this doesn’t feel on, this feels like dinner at your house. I would be eating your sour dough and something from Julie’s garden, so I’d be very happy. But do you have any data on that or even anecdotal? I’m in my own world a lot, I love to just think and be complex and be reading or listening to a book, and I have to come out and sometimes it’s effort to be receive a bid. JSG: So, the more we can see what our partners are doing right and turning towards us and to say thank you, the more turning towards will increase in the relationship. Picture this. You’re sitting next to your partner, who’s scrolling through articles on their phone. “Hey,” says your partner. “This is interesting.”

JSG: Yeah, that’s exactly what we were trying to create. So thank you so much for that summary. We too, realize that it takes baby steps to change your relationship. You can’t go tell people to be more loving, be more kind, be more compassionate, just go ahead and do it with your partner. What does that mean? What does it look like? So, I personally have the kind of brain where I’ve got to have everything be very concrete, otherwise I can’t visualize it, I can’t know how to move my body, how to transform my language, what direction to take with my partner, unless those concrete steps are in place. And so that’s really what we wanted to create, something that is doable rather than abstract and maybe even obsolete at this point. JSG: Yeah, the other thing too, about turning towards is if you’ve made a bid for connection in some way, and your partner responds to it in a affirming way to say, “Thank you, I notice that you’re doing something for me.” That is incredible, that is really important.JG: Brené, one of the saddest studies I ever read was a study of high-priced call girls who are asked what’s the number one fantasy your male customers want? And the answer turned out to be they want me to pretend that I love them.

We don't need to be mid-pandemic for this to sound familiar. And you don't need to have kids underfoot to feel like it's hard to make time to connect. JG: Yeah. How do you get people to laugh at themselves when they’re fighting? Because that reduces physiological arousal. Well, the way to do it is really simple, it’s really those small moments where you turn toward one another, and if you increase the turning toward which just requires some awareness, then automatically you get this wonderful gift of a sense of humor about yourself when you’re disagreeing. So, you can laugh together, and that reduces physiological arousal, and makes people more logical and rational when they’re disagreeing rather than raising their voice to be more persuasive.What turning toward really does is put money in a couple's emotional bank account. Think of every act of turning toward your partner's bid for connection-even one as simple and fleeting as responding to a smile with a smile-as dropping a coin in your love piggy bank. JG: Personally, I want to know what she needs, and if she tells me what she needs this week, I know what to do, and I’m off the hook. [laughter] I just have to do those things. And whenever I ask her what she needs, I always get a list. [laughter] And I’m very grateful to have a list. Here's a massive misconception that a lot of us have: For connection to be meaningful, you must give hours of time to it. Therefore, in a busy day, we just don't have time for it. True? JSG: So, we think, “Well, as adults, we shouldn’t need what kids need,” but the reality is, that’s totally wrong. We have that infant, that child, that young adult, big adult, all inside of us and all of them need touch. So, it’s one of the most soothing things to be touched, it lowers stress. It lowers anxiety, it improves depression, and I’m not necessarily talking about erotic touch here, but affectionate touch. It’s fabulous. We saw in a study of ours, with new parents who were having babies, that 15 minutes of a husband massaging the shoulders of a wife reduced postpartum depression in the women who were massaged. It was incredible. So, we need touch. We got to give touch. That’s the moral.

BB: So instead of talking up here about a cabin, you needed to make this about John’s inner world and your inner world, and those bigger questions. Is that what I’m hearing?

ABR: Yeah, so just to be able to see like an authentic, healthy, I guess, way of building a relationship seemed cool, and I love how the book is set up to where you’re learning something new and you’re implementing it and practicing it.

BB: Yes. Where people talk to each other 35 minutes a week. I think sometimes it’s very easy for rowing the boat together and logistics and get the games and do this, and what’s going on can become the substitute for intimacy and friendship, which is why, like, when you’re my age and everyone’s kids are leaving for college, there’s very little left in the friendship bank account. JG: Yeah, you know, I really took a look at myself this morning, because yesterday I didn’t respond to my daughter’s bid. She wanted to show us her garden, and I’m in the middle of reading a book on my Kindle, and I’m not very interested in gardening. And so, I decided to just read my book rather than go look at her garden. And Julie went out and looked at her garden, and this morning I was thinking, “I really missed that opportunity to get closer to my daughter by not going out there and seeing what that garden meant to her and the work she put into it.” And then she actually cooked something [laughter] from her garden for our dinner, and I didn’t really appreciate it. And so, I have to take a look at myself in the way I turn away and miss opportunities for getting closer to the person I love, probably the most of anybody on the planet. I have to really look at myself and see why do I make those choices? And become more aware of making bad choices. JSG: Yeah. Most of the time, “What’s on your mind?”“Well, I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to do that.” But what’s on your heart? That’s a whole other matter. That takes you down into your inner world with… JG: So, the randomized clinical trial study has not been done. The controlled study has not been done yet. The Gottmans call these opportunities “bids for connection.” A bid for connection might be something really subtle. For example, when your partner sighs. Maybe that’s an invitation to ask, What’s wrong?ABR: And I was dragging my feet, I don’t know if I really want to do this. The day of the week it’s on I’m so busy. It’s my busiest day. And all like pouty. I had so much fun every time I’m there. [laughter] So I thought that’s what I liked too, like being by myself and just being on my couch watching TV or playing around in my house. But the truth is, every time I’m out doing something and connecting, that’s really what fills me up. JG: Yeah, and it was so enriching for me because for me, nature was taking a subway to Central Park and putting a blanket down on the grass and having a picnic… That’s the extent of nature… Then wipe off the nature when you come home. Whether you’re looking to fix specific problems or get the most out of your marriage or romantic relationship, couples therapists John and Julie Gottman will get you moving in the right direction. . . .There isn’t a marriage or romantic partnership out there that won’t benefit from this book.”

Asda Great Deal

Free UK shipping. 15 day free returns.
Community Updates
*So you can easily identify outgoing links on our site, we've marked them with an "*" symbol. Links on our site are monetised, but this never affects which deals get posted. Find more info in our FAQs and About Us page.
New Comment