NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

Product Information

All of us value our time with true friends and love hanging out with them when we have the energy and time. However, when best friends become more, there are some risks involved that you should keep in mind. As you go through the stages of becoming lovers, one or both of you might realize that it’s not what you want. To be healthy, every relationship needs this safety code: the appropriate placement of walls and windows. Just as the sharing that parents have with children should not surpass or replace confidences within the marriage, the boundaries in a platonic friendship should be solid. Identifying the position of walls and windows can help you discover whether a dangerous alliance has replaced a relationship that began as "just friends."

Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.The aftermath of an affair can offer partners who are still committed to their marriage an opportunity to strengthen their bond. Exploring vulnerabilities often leads to a more intimate relationship.

By asking you for information about your past relationships, they are providing themselves with what they need to envision you as a partner.

13) You crave every moment with them like a nugget of gold

One day, Emma saw that it was Bob’s birthday, so she decided to write him a little celebratory note on his wall. She offered a few kind words and that was that. You'll learn other surprising truths about infidelity, too, from my clinical experience with individuals and couples struggling with infidelity, from my own research into extramarital affairs, and from other research I've conducted in conjunction with Dr. Wright. I also borrow from the collective wisdom of other respected clinicians and researchers. Throughout the book, I use this research to document the concepts and interventions I am discussing, so that you will be comfortable listening to and accepting the guidance I give for protecting your marriage and for getting through your own wrenching experience of infidelity.

Of course, it could be perfectly normal for a friend to ask you to go with them to a movie or a concert. I have found that the most complete healing happens gradually, in stages. Because betrayal is so traumatic and recovery takes time, I use an interpersonal trauma recovery plan that parallels the ones recommended for victims of natural disasters, war, accidents, and violence. My clients are living evidence of its effectiveness in their individual healing and in the number of marriages saved with this approach. Overly personal and even gross details about yourself are something you share with friends only. For instance, you can tell your friend that you haven’t shaved for a month, but it’s certainly not something you’d tell someone you’re dating. Adjust your conversations to your relationship status. 8. Let your common friends know that you’re dating. Sometimes rapidly and sometimes slowly you begin to see your friend in a romantic and sensual way – and it doesn’t feel strange like you figured such a thing would.

Noticing the way someone looks is normal, but having it make a deeper impression on you enough to mention it or truly take a deeper interest is generally the realm of romance. None of us usually talk a lot about what we’re indifferent about. When you’re going on about her it’s a pretty good sign she’s become more than a friend in your eyes. Connection was something that had been missing in their relationship for a very long time. After many months of healing, their relationship was getting better. They felt more intimate on all levels—emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and recreationally.