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Living with limerence: A guide for the smitten

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It’s easy to give in to resentment in this scenario, and feel you’ve been led on, ill used and emotionally manipulated. They were giving out lots of encouraging signals, after all. I seeked a therapist a few weeks ago to help me get over him and move on, since I can’t talk to anyone else about this, however her advice didn’t really help me (taking breaths, going for walks and going NC). Then there was an incident involving a bike trip, Emergency Room visit, and a rest stop by the highway in the middle of summer. I literally brought him food and water to enable him to make it the rest of the way home. We talked for 4 hours while he recovered, during which he opened up to me about his PTSD and its causes, etc. That was a massive tipping point I think. We spent more time together in the next 2 weeks than we had in the previous year. I’m writing here to tell other people who are limerent that it is possible to get over it, completely or nearly so, even after it seems to have become entrenched in one’s life. Many of the tips here are very much like the ones I employed to get out of my limerence. One solution – albeit not a terribly scientific one – is to repurpose that list as a sort of quiz, where yes/no questions can be used to pinpoint the defining features of the limerent response to romantic attraction. This seemed like an idea that could be both useful and fun, so here is my current attempt:

What’s this got to do with hurting others? I hear no one ask. Well, this certain girl, whether for a joke or seriousness, had been saying she ‘loves’ me since Year 7. It’s probably a joke but she could be limerent for me. It might be okay if she hadn’t supported the thesis that she thinks I like her; she keeps saying she does. Everyone wants to be loved. Most people enjoy the ego-boost when they suspect that someone is attracted to them, but Limerence is more than just a state of infatuation and occurs in three distinct stages. It begins as you become attracted to your limerent object, and ends with the realisation that this person is actually unobtainable, leading to a process of letting go. Here’s a brief outline of how the condition plays out: That analytical ability went out like a light with the first drink. In fact, this is also what happens with triggers. The effect of triggers is to lower a person’s ability to be objective and so that devastating decision can be made to have a drink or use drugs again.I was able to have one visit with my LO, thank god, some closure there at least, but it was no surprise that things went south in the month after. He wanted me to be his life partner and I wanted SO badly to say yes, but there were a bazillion reasons that would have been the stupidest decision of my life. He cut me off a week later–a decision I supported–and I never expected to hear from him again. Finally, it is also worth mentioning the predators. Sometimes, LOs set out to seduce. They manipulate people into infatuation for their own gratification, or narcissistic supply or to settle their own insecurities. Be wary that there are some LOs to avoid out there. Your present lifestyle Understandably, if you start to feel the glimmer for someone and they get all excited and lively, and light up when you are around, and generally make you feel as though they enjoy it when you flirt and seek intimacy, then it’s likely that you will start to believe they are interested in you too. doesn’t ring very true for me. Maybe I did it a bit during the worst phase of my obsessive period with this last LO, but, in a more general sense, no. Then again, I’m a pretty solitary person in general so maybe it’s just me. Another one that doesn’t quite resonate with me is #12. The closest that I can think of is that my own daydreams (I have a huge tendency to get lost in my own thoughts) become very LO-centric when in limerence, but not to the point that I can’t enjoy my usual hobbies because I’d rather think about LO (I may, though, wonder things like how I can get LO into some of them, when I know/think that they probably don’t share them).

Oh boy… I’ve gone through every single step you just explained. I guess the first moment of deceit should have been the last moment where I should have done a U-turn, but I couldn’t. While I am married with kids, LO is actually single. I feel like I have been the one that was so limerent, I kept on pushing and pushing… it was never clear if it was mutual or not, but there was something there. And I had to find out. We (aka I, out of guilt) broke up probably 4 times in a year, and it was usually also me that wasn’t strong enough to stay away. We tried staying friends. We still try. He said he wants to keep me as a friend and I mean a lot to him but he will ensure nothing will ever happen again as he is done with the physical stuff. I was heartbroken… And started googling, where I came across your side. Reading about the concept of limerence, it makes so much sense. Reading about these tipping points, that’s me, every step of the way. If it is an option, I’d recommend seeking out some professional support around attachment – a therapist or clinical psychologist who understands the issues well and can help you understand how your experiences have shaped your romantic life. That is likely to have the biggest impact on your ability to move forwards with purpose. Thus, I feel guilty. It this girl its moment for me, I could be ‘stringing her along’ to her mind, and as a moment, the prospect of doing that to someone else years me apart. It’s not likely, but there’s still that chance that I could be toying with someone’s heart just because mine is being torn into a million pieces… There could be a natural harmony that forms where the glimmer from one limerent triggers limerence in the Sensor and leads to mutual limerence. Perhaps all limerents are also Sensors to the extent that they will inevitably get a massive euphoric hit from seeing their limerent object displaying the signs of mutual limerence. I admit that I had doubts sometimes on whether I’m limerent or not, so having some quiz like this as a reference guide is very useful. I remember reading a similar article on thought catalog that was my own big “aha!” moment in regards to limerence.In high school, I didn’t particularly have any strong crushes, apart from my first year, but he moved away the next year so it was no problem, I didn’t find myself thinking about him after he moved. I had a few little crushes after, but I don’t believe they were at the point of where I was obsessed with them, and they usually only lasted a few months at most. this blog article you commented on is a good one to bring reality at this stage as is this one, see link below This can then lead to the dynamic of intense bonding. You may feel a sense of peace, contentment and safety when you’re in the presence of your limerent object. This is a hormonal-based mechanic and is rooted specifically in the release of oxytocin and vasopressin, which both regulates and facilitates the bonding process and ultimately leads to love. This can be an important variable to be aware of if you happen to thrive more on emotional connection over sexual arousal. Have you ever observed a straight man who OTHER STRAIGHT MEN think is a complete and utter fool, but who nonetheless has no problems whatsoever making a big splash with the ladies? This, I believe, is the mysterious “arrogance factor” at work. Paglia is right. Swagger is sexy and maybe heterosexual women and possibly gay men, (who share some of the same emotional wiring as heterosexual women), are biologically hardwired to dig machismo?

There is a tendency to fantasise about the love interest (limerent objects) often perceiving them as being your rescuerI feel it is also worth noting with some of my other crushes as soon as I thought they might be interested in me, I lost interest in them. That’s not the case for J though. Limerence is a state of romantic infatuation, and a condition that can be hard to discern as it presents in a very similar expression to falling in love. In reality, it’s a multi-stage process of projecting unmet needs onto another person. One that’s rooted in trauma often related to the relationship between primary caregivers in childhood which results in developmental issues, manifesting as insecure attachment styles. Glad my comments stimulated some discussion! I wanted to share a few responses, somewhat belatedly. If you’re capable of responding to suitable candidates, what are you transferring? If you’re entering a potential relationship in good faith, it’s more like transcending the previous relationship. You still have baggage, but you try not to bring it with you. I think it all boils down to cognitive dissonance that I am unable to dissolve. To me, it feels like being in “a psychotic state” while still having a full grip of reality, which makes the experience so unbearable. It’s hoping they will reciprocate my feelings while being fully cognizant it is not going to happen. It’s deliberately choosing to daydream about them while knowing it deranges my life because I neglect all my responsibilities. It’s idealizing them while comprehending they are far from ideal. It’s this manic obsession that I am completely aware is unsubstantiated.”

What I mean is in tipping point levels such as oversharing. The part here is written as a limerance person is dying and cant wait to over share but in the case I am speaking about the man trying to get the married woman is the one asking questions and trying to position himself as the “caring friend” you can tell your secrets to. Um, I know they’re extraordinary in my imagination. Not so sure about real life. I’d prefer others didn’t see them as special so I could have them all to myself.Disclosure to LO – the disclosure was not that I am limerant or that he is, as I had no idea this word existed, but rather we told each other we were attracted to each other sexually. I think I would also score 17 if I had fallen in love in the early stages of a relationship, but I think that is just how a limerent like myself experiences early love – just like an LE but with a happy ending. You are also right about the deceit. I did tell LO that the only way i see a friendship happening is if i can stop hiding this relationship from my SO, e.g. do tell SO whenever I see LO for a drink or lunch and talk about the things we text (which nowadays really just is small talk and work related stuff). I did actually try to stop my limerence at the beginning by introducing LO to SO… SO was being quite rude and had no interest in meeting any new “friend of mine” as he wasn’t interested in anything else happening in my life. The difficulty in identifying limerence is that many of the symptoms function similarly to the experience of falling in love. And so, there’s a sense of distortion that sets in, which clouds your rational and logical thought. You may believe you’ve found your one true soulmate… But there are some very key differences between love and limerence, that once you’re aware of, will help you become more discerning of what is true authentic love and what is, in fact, limerence serving as a form of trauma response. Similarities Between Love But a more charitable view is that they have just been following their subconscious urges – in exactly the same way that you followed your limerent urges as the attachment escalated. 3. They might be limerents too

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