Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy

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I really thought I was the bad person selling myself,’’ said Bates, now 26 and living in Worcester. “I didn't realize that I was a victim.” Audrey Hamilton: Do you notice when you talk to kids about this if their parents do provide them with condoms, let’s say, or tell them that they should get condoms and how to get them? I think a lot of parents are concerned that they’re giving their consent, as in, okay go ahead, this is fine with mom and dad. And that’s not necessarily the message everyone wants to send, right, I mean to their young son?

Velasquez considers himself an activist and protector of children like Bates. He poses as both girls and boys, but says men seeking boys are more prevalent and easier to catch because they are more likely to talk about sex. “There are more of them, and they just don't have no filter,’’ he said.Andrew Smiler: That’s a great question. The vast majority of 16 year olds out there are able to handle a kind of two-tiered answer or two-tiered value from their parents. It’s “I really don’t want you to have sex until a certain age or a certain condition, like you’re really in love with the person. But, I understand that you might choose otherwise and if you do, I want you to be safe.” Audrey Hamilton: I definitely want to talk about consent because this is a very timely and important issue. It’s something – you take a whole chapter to discuss in your book. “No means no” doesn’t seem to be sufficient really in communicating what consent means. How would you advise parents and their boys to discuss the issue of consent? Not just getting consent from someone but giving it, as well? Andrew Smiler: I’m going to start with the parent piece of that one. One of the things the research tells us – I certainly see this as a therapist – is that boys want information from someone that they can trust. For the vast majority of boys, the gender of that person doesn’t really matter. There is a small segment of the teen boy population that really wants that to come from a male. But for most boys, what is much more important than the biology of the person they’re talking to is their trust in that person. Whether or not they’re going to get good information. Whether or not that person is going to respect what the boy says as the conversation progresses.

Andrew Smiler is a therapist and writer living in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. A developmental psychologist, Dr. Smiler is the author of the new book “Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy,” which is published by the American Psychological Association. He has also authored more than 20 journal articles and book chapters relating to boys, men, sexual development and identity issues and is currently an associate editor of the APA journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity. Welcome, Dr. Smiler.

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But I think when you’re talking to your son about whether or not he’s ready or not to have sex and some of the implications of having sex with somebody, that’s the time when you also need to talk about protection, because we want our sons to be thinking about protection before they have sex for the first time. Some of the research shows that the kids who use condoms at their first sex are much more likely to continue using condoms regularly than kids who don’t use condoms at their first sexual experience.

She stated that “they continue to be unable to organize freely, believe and speak and suffer the consequences.” Most parents probably think, ‘Well that’s not my kid.’ But the numbers are overwhelming, so it probably is your kid,” said Jim Steyer, Common Sense Media founder and CEO. “This is an incredibly important public health and sexual health issue that’s literally being buried by parents, by educators and by all of us.” Andrew Smiler: There is no best way to start that conversation. I don’t think leaving condoms on the table when there’s cereal around is a good idea. Especially if your son puts banana slices in there.

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