Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or Situation

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Metaphorically speaking, typical anger-management tools are akin to weed killer: You have to keep spraying all of the time, every time, to keep weeds from sprouting up—and no matter how vigilant you are, you’ll still miss plenty, and you are left exhausted. Never Get Angry Again explains how to pull up weeds by their roots by looking at reality—ourselves, our lives, and our relationships—with optimum perspective and emotional clarity. David J. Lieberman understands that a change in perspective is all that is needed to help keep from flying off the handle. In Never Get Angry Again, he reveals how to see anger through a comprehensive, holistic lens, illuminates the underlying emotional, spiritual, and physical components of anger, and gives the readers simple, practical tools to snuff out anger before it even occurs. An essential instruction manual for anger management, but also a detailed work on how to get along with other people.”― Library Journal (starred review)

Let’s face it: if anger-management techniques were effective, you wouldn’t be reading this book. These clumsy attempts to maintain calmness are usually futile and sometimes emotionally draining. The fact is, either something bothers us (causing anxiety, frustration, or anger), or it doesn’t. A state of calm is better accomplished by not becoming agitated in the first place. When we fight the urge to blow up or melt down, we fight against our own nature.

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This book can change your life. Best of all it’s easy to read and you can apply the [techniques] instantly.” ―Dr. Warner Chen, Faculty Fellow of Harvard University on Never Be Lied to Again Review – Never Get Angry Again PDF Responsible (soul-oriented) choice leads to self-esteem increasing, which leads to ego shrinking, which leads to perspective widening, which leads to undistorted reality, which leads to seeing and accepting the truth (even when difficult or painful) = positive emotional health leads to acting responsibly

In his new book, Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way To Stay Calm and Cool In Any Conversation or Situation, Lieberman, who is also the author of Get Anyone To Do Anything and Never Be Lied To Again, explains that by recognizing the underlying reasons we get angry, we can learn how to utilize our innate neuroplasticity to rewire our brains toward a state of calm. Ever wish you could win people over to your point of view, no matter how crazy your idea? You can, with these [tools] to successful persuasion.” ― Self magazine on Get Anyone to do Anything Let’s face it, if anger-management techniques were effective, you wouldn’t be reading this book. You’ve probably tried it all: positive self-talk, punching a pillow, and reminding yourself that no good will come from getting angry. But the next time you feel your blood boiling or you start to fly into a blind range, see how well counting to ten works for you. Anger and bargaining. You may lash out at people you love or become angry with yourself. Or you might try to "strike a bargain" with a higher power, asking that the loss be taken away in exchange for something on your part. The result is the feeling of shame. Lieberman writes, “Shame is our conscious, the voice of the soul that says, I am less because of my actions; it is the painful belief that our behavior makes us unworthy of love and undeserving of acceptance — and by extension, all that we love is neither safe nor secure.”

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Now, as the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” While a challenging life circumstance is one thing, the truth is, we wouldn’t have to manage our anger if the people in our lives would manage their stupidity. Some folks—family, friends, and coworkers—just push our buttons. In keeping with my penchant for the practical, you will learn step-by-step strategies to redraw boundaries, quash personality conflicts, and navigate difficult relationships to maintain (or reclaim) your sanity and eradicate a breeding ground for anger and frustration. To compound matters, the less self-control we have, the more desperately we manipulate events and people around us, especially those closest to us—either overtly or passive-aggressively. We intuit that self-control fosters self-respect, so when we cannot control ourselves, we need to feel as if we are in control of someone, something, anything, to feel a sense of power.

By acting responsibly, we build the self esteem that gives us the strength to delay gratification, tolerate discomfort, live in accordance with the soul, find meaning in adversity, have faith that things will work out as they should, live productively, and follow a path that is not paved with circumstances, but rather, our response to those circumstances. Thus, we must focus on not the ‘ego’ but the ‘soul’ of our personality. The more one lives in accord with the ‘soul’, the less he or she needs the drug of anger to make him or her feel alive. Lieberman is adamant, and I agree with him, that the moment one has perspective and empathy to see the context of another person’s reality, one can eliminate anger from one’s behavioral mechanism. It is sometimes important for us to realize that we don’t have a ‘soul’, but instead, we are a ‘soul’ and have a body. Therefore, we must feed the soul with positivity and not the ego. Despair and disorganization: We may find ourselves questioning and feeling angry in this phase. The realization that our loved one is not returning feels real, and we can have a difficult time understanding or finding hope in our future. We may feel a bit aimless during this portion of the grieving process and retreat from others as we process our pain. The book analyzes the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. The first three stages are ‘ego’ based, and only when we loosen the ego’s grip can we move towards acceptance, the last stage in this group. Lieberman takes time to explain the problem with the ‘Ego’ side to our personalities that makes us into the angry and frustrated people we become. We must not skip reading it because it’s not the situations that make us angry, but the meaning that we attach to it, and that meaning is always based on one thing: how we feel about ourselves. Precise control is actuated when we rise above our nature and exercise self-control by seeing things from another perspective.

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Three forces within us are often at odds with one another: the soul, the ego, and the body. In short, the soul seeks to do what is right; the ego wants to be right and see itself in an optimal light; and the body just wants to escape from it all. When you make any decision in life: We are hardwired to love ourselves, but when we can’t nourish ourselves through good choices and thus gain self-respect, we turn to the rest of the world to feed us. We make a desperate but futile attempt to convert their love and respect into feelings of self-worth. Our ever-shifting self-image becomes a direct reflection of the world around us. Our mood is raw and vulnerable to every fleeting glance and passing comment. If you've never read anything in the CBT or emotional IQ genre this is a good text to begin with but I wouldn't recommend it to someone in the field unless you are researching books for clients. If you've read Cal Newport Deep Work you can skip the last third of the book as it's the same (even uses the marshmallow experiment) neuroscience as presented there. Not mad I read it (see what I did there), but overall I'd say just skip this one if you're well read in the genre. To the extent that we don’t love ourselves, our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes. Who wants to put in effort, enduring heartache and hardship, for someone whom they don’t even like? This mind-set is understandable but quite problematic. When we too often shirk our obligations and shun new opportunities, we lose more than we might imagine. Studies show that our tendency to avoid the pain inherent in taking responsibility for our lives is at the core of anger, and is central to nearly every emotional ailment, including anxiety, depression, and addiction.1

Lieberman is clear that anger management is not a one-phase process; one must make anger management and a goal to be anger-free every day as a number one top priority. Keeping a journal or charting your progress toward anger elimination is a way to emphasize a single incidence of behavior to an overall pattern. That is what I observed in my diaries, and so I started to seek out anger management. I like Lieberman’s recommendation to keep a diary or journal of our anger patterns that tell us how we are as a person and the triggers that set us off, making us let off steam, for most of the time, on those we care.The intricacies of anger are often simplified to the point of being incomplete. To say that we become angry because we are scared or in pain is like saying that a lamp works because the light switch is flipped on—true enough, but the underlying connection, electricity, is left out of the equation. While the question may seem to contradict human nature and maybe even seem like an unrealistic proposition, what makes the difference, David J. Lieberman says, is perspective. Anger releases a stress hormone called cortisol. Long-term elevated cortisol levels have a detrimental effect on us, both physically and mentally. Specifically, cortisol damages cells in the hippocampus and results in impaired learning. In the short term, cortisol interferes with our ability to think and process information. Or, to put it another way, getting angry actually makes us dumb. Biochemically, anger, as we know, initiates the fight-or-flight response and the production of adrenaline, which reroutes blood flow away from the brain, and with it oxygen, which further muddles our thinking. The upward turn. You begin to adjust to your new life, and the intensity of the pain you feel from the loss starts to reduce. At this point in the grieving process, you may notice that you feel calmer.