Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds

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So, with this in mind I’ve tried to come up with my idea of the definition of gentle parenting, ultimately I think it can be summed up with three words: I found the chapter on raising a financially literate tween one of the most interesting and am already putting ideas I read into place to open these conversations and teach money management. There is a lot of food for thought as well as practical tips on how to prepare our tweens for real life. For too long parenting has been viewed as a battle. A battle for control between parent and child. Some parenting methods give all control to the children, for fear of the little tyrants becoming unmanageable monsters as they grow. Other methods give children far too much control, with parents scared to discipline when necessary, for fear of upsetting their delicate offspring. Gentle parenting is all about finding a balance of control, giving children just enough, at a time when they can handle it, with parents enforcing appropriate boundaries and limits. Gentle parenting is about being ever mindful of the long term effects of a parent’s actions as well as the immediate needs of safety and expectations of society. The winner will be selected at random from the entries received in accordance with these terms and conditions by a member of Little, Brown, whose decision will be final and no correspondence will be entered into.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith Sarah Ockwell-Smith

Watch Sarah chatting about the contents of her new book ‘Because I Said So’ on Good Morning Britain below:In my opinion none of these are effective forms of discipline. They all rely on inflicting physical or emotional pain, through shame and exclusion. How does a child learn how to behave in a better manner if they are not shown what to do, if they have nothing and nobody good to model or they do not understand what they did wrong, or what they should have done instead? In most cases misbehaviour is a cry for help. It shows us that all is not well in the child’s world. In effect most of the behaviour control methods in use in society today (the ones we usually describe as ‘discipline’ but more appropriately fit the definition of ‘punishment’) punish the child for having a problem, rather than trying to help them solve it. Do the problems disappear just because a punishment has been administered? Of course not, although the vocalisation or physical manifestations of them may. The problem remains, ready to rise on another day, like a festering wound covered with a fresh bandage. Why not help children to solve their problems? Surely then we are better teachers? Whatever worries tweens may have about the transition to a new school, the two most important responses from parents and carers are, firstly, to listen and, secondly, to empower them to cope with their concerns. The following tips can help with the latter: Gentle parenting is not easy, but what parenting is? It doesn’t however require anything more than love, dedication and consistency. It isn’t something that is reserved for the most naturally calm, highly educated, ‘stay at home’ parents or those with only one child. It doesn’t matter if you have a temper, how much money you have in the bank, what qualifications you have, whether you have one child or six. It doesn’t matter how you were parented yourself and it doesn’t matter if you started your parenting journey on a different path. At the end of this book you will find a chapter devoted to those parents who previously adopted other, perhaps less gentle, parenting methods and are looking for a different way. You will also find a section dedicated to how to cope with criticism of your parenting. Similarly in a later chapter I will also discuss what to expect in terms of results, when you should expect them and what to do if it gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Between Two Worlds (a free - Sarah Ockwell-Smith The Bridge Between Two Worlds (a free - Sarah Ockwell-Smith

True discipline in society however is rare. Most children today are punished. Punished for being a child, punished for not acting like an adult, punished for being too inquisitive and eager to learn and punished for not having a well developed centre of self control in their brains. The dictionary definition of punishment is: “causing or characterised by harsh or injurious treatment; severe; brutal” . When children are punished no real learning takes place, the role of the child is passive. The goal of the adult is control and conformity.

Let’s get this out there right now. Gentle parenting isn’t permissive parenting. For those who are new to gentle parenting, perhaps practitioners of more mainstream methods, the most common criticism is relating to supposed permissiveness. They are wrong. Boundaries, limits and discipline play a crucial role in gentle parenting. If you do not discipline your child how can you be truly respectful of them? She notes: ‘If they aren’t old enough to understand logic, how are they going to understand the logic between you hitting them, and their behaviour?’ Try to get hold of a map of the school before they start, so they can familiarise themselves with the entrance, their form, the school hall, the canteen and the toilets. We need to be promoting and encouraging children to learn how to regulate their own emotions and behaviour through learning how to breathe and regulate,’ she adds. ‘Instead of having outbursts they learn to control their own behaviour but this can only be done if we co-regulate our own emotions too.’

Sarah Ockwell-Smith What is ‘Gentle Parenting’ and how - Sarah Ockwell-Smith

Try to focus on the positives. Ask your tween what they are most looking forward to about starting their new school. Speak about the new opportunities they will have and the activities they love. You could also find out what lunchtime and after-school clubs will be running and share the list with your tween, to build excitement. If you’re new to Gentle Parenting and would like to learn more about the specifics, then my Gentle Parenting Book is a good place to start. It covers 0-7yrs. Sarah has authored 14 parenting books, translated into over 30 languages, which have sold over half a million copies. She is currently writing her 15th.

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Even if the school is running settling-in sessions, ask if you can have a video tour of the building, or at least some photos of your child’s new form room and form tutor. Familiarising themselves with these before the beginning of term can help them to feel more comfort- able when they start.

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Of course, the above tips have focused solely on helping your tween to cope with the transition to a new school, but it’s import- ant not to forget what a big experience it is for you, too. Try to attend any new parents’ information evenings and take advantage of offers to chat with form tutors before, or soon after, your tween starts school. Most schools will run a parents’ evening towards the end of the first term, which will give you an opportunity to meet your tween’s teachers and hear about how they are settling in. I think one of the hardest things about being a parent or carer to a tween at secondary school is having far less involvement with school than you had previously. It feels strange not knowing their teachers well or what room they will be in at any given time. You do get used to the change, but it can often take parents longer than tweens to feel at peace with the transition. Sarah specialises in ‘gentle parenting’ (she is often credited as being the founder of the movement) and childism (the unconscious discrimination of children in society). Do a couple of practice runs of their school journey, especially if your tween will be using public transport or walking. We live in a world that places more value on things than people. Society today is all about ‘the stuff’ and the pursuit of more. We spend so much time dwelling on the past and planning for the future that we forget to live today. Or we spend so long buried in the busyness of the present moment that we miss the things that really matter. Our society is selfish, violent, short sighted and focussed on conformity rather than respect for individuality. This is the world we are preparing our children for.Gentle discipline calls for parents to work with their children to resolve problems that underlie their difficult behaviour, rather than acting punishing out on them. Mīlestībā mums jāvingrinās tikai vienā jautājumā: palaist otru. Jo turēšana ciet padodas viegli – tas mums nav jāmācās. Can you remember how you felt in the months before starting at secondary school? I felt excited, but also worried and scared: fearful of the size of the school in relation to my comparatively tiny primary school, worried about getting lost and anxious that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the work. I was also concerned about making friends and fitting in, frightened I would get the wrong bus home and nervous about navigating lunchtimes in the huge canteen. Of course, my fears were unfounded; within a month, I had formed new friendships, knew my way around easily and was loving the challenge of learning new subjects. The same was true for all my children. But despite knowing that our tweens will be fine, we must not dismiss their fears. Speaking of societal expectations, gentle parents understand that many of the beliefs society holds about the behaviour of children, at any age, are unrealistic. Much of what we know about children comes from outdated personal opinion. Many of today’s common parenting practices are not only at odds with the needs of children in the present moment, but they may possibly inhibit their development in the future. Gentle parents aren’t afraid to question commonly held wisdom, no matter who it is coming from. Gentle parents aren’t afraid to be an advocate for their child even when their behaviour is frowned upon by the mainstream. Gentle parents have a close connection to their children which allows the children to feel safe, respected and valued. In turn this nurturing environment raises confident, free thinking adults. As the anthropologist Margaret Mead says, never underestimate the difference a small group of committed individuals can make. What if the world embraced the notion of gentle parenting, would it change the world? I think it might just do!