Microwave Massacre Dual Format Blu-ray + DVD

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The only movie on this list to rival The Meateater in terms of sheer ineptitude, Howling VII doesn’t feel like a film that was written, storyboarded, and rehearsed but rather like an extended goof, like we’re watching a bunch of grown people playing “Let’s Make A Movie” over the course of one long weekend. New Moon Rising is an astonishingly bad motion picture.

It seems that Junior and his buddies (one of whom is the town sheriff) don’t care much for independent, attractive women running businesses and frequently sunbathing in the nude. Thoroughly cheap and dingy, Junior can never seem to decide if it’s a gritty revenge tale, a horror picture, or soft-core sleaze, so what we get is a unwieldy hybrid of all three.

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I love horrible movies. I always wonder, "What's my limit? How bad can it get to make me hate a movie?" The new barometer for bad has been found and it is Microwave Massacre. In 1974, director Tobe Hooper changed the trajectory of slasher horror forever with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, his renowned entry into the so-called Hixploitation subgenre. It follows a group of unsuspecting tourists who are terrorized by the chainsaw-wielding cannibalistic maniac Leatherface. An immediate smash-hit upon its release, the movie inspired eight feature-length sequels, spin-offs, and remakes. I’d also like to hear old Piedras Blancas stories from Wayne, who acted in the movie. He played a kid scared to death of the monster seen toting decapitated heads up and down main street. What ‘monster kid’ wouldn’t like that on their resume? Claims To Fame are where you find them.

Had this movie been entertaining I would have given it a higher score. I don't do the 'so-bad-it's-good'-thing. If a movie is "bad", but still entertains me, I think it's good. But this crappy s**t is not entertaining. It's a total fail. Dee Dee Dee: “My mother wanted to name me Delia, but she stuttered. Hey, have you ever screwed in 3-Dee?” The Howling series lasted far longer than anyone could have expected. Joe Dante’s 1980 original led to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, which was written and directed by French-born artist Philippe Mora; Mora then returned to helm Howling III: The Marsupials.

Nothing makes much sense or seems natural. The jokes range from stupid to extremely stupid, and none are funny at all. The acting (acting?) is bad, and not in a funny way. Every scene seems to be the first take. Some of the scenes are way too long, so that the dialogue comes off as even worse and more unnatural than it could have been, with just a few cuts. The dialogue is atrocious. The plot basically has Donald finally living his life and gathering up hookers so that he can kill them and store their meat in his fridge. There are some really campy moments between Donald and the ladies but the director also offers up a ton of nudity yet very little gore. The performances are mostly over-the-top and I'm going to guess that's what the director went for.

After coming home drunk one night and getting into an argument with May, Donald loses his temper and bludgeons her to death with a large pepper grinder. He wakes up the next day with a bad hangover, no memory of the night before, and a growling stomach. He discovers May's corpse in the microwave and after the initial wave of horror passes, he starts to take it in stride, telling his co-workers that he and May separated. After work, he then cuts up May's body and stores it in foil wrap in the fridge. A running gag involving May's head retaining some sort of sentience is introduced during this scene. The late, great Vernon appears very “out of it” for the duration (he’s almost certainly drunk). There are segments where he barely seems to know what’s going on, and his speech is constantly slurred. So many flubbed lines made it into Microwave Massacre that it has to set some kind of record (“I don’t remember leaving a wake-up hangover”…?). Art direction was provided by Robert A. Burns, a flat-out genius who built all the props used in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; his color palette here is bright, garish. If you go into this movie with a serious mind-frame then you'll certainly be disappointed because this movie was meant to be pure camp and that's exactly what it is. The story is quite strange to say the least but at the same time it makes for an offbeat comedy that has some funny moments as well as some very awkward moments. I say awkward simply because the entire tone of the picture is rather silly and especially the way Donald carries on with his co-workers. You didn’t really think we were going to leave The Hills Have Eyes off this list, did you? Written and directed by Wes Craven after his bloody smash-hit directorial debut, The Last House on the Left (1972), this movie follows an unsuspecting family who is traveling through the desert when their car breaks down — and if there’s anything I’ve learned as a horror movie-watching veteran, it’s that that is never a good sign. If you’re a fan of rural horror, I’m guessing that you’ve already heard of the Wrong Turn series, one of the best my-car-broke-down-and-now-I’m-being-hunted-by-cannibals franchises in history. After the first one came out in 2003, it became an instant classic – praised especially for the creative torture methods employed by its sadistic killers (some of which even put Saw to shame).AllMovie wrote, "Despite utterly failing as comedy, horror and pornography, Microwave Massacre is grotesque enough in design and attitude to be fascinating, much like a car accident." That summary is perfect. "Microwave Massacre" is bad in almost every way, especially Vernon's acting. But there are some funny scenes and jokes that make it worthwhile. The drive-through scene is especially humorous, and for those who know Vernon mostly as Frosty the Snowman's voice, this will twist what you think of Frosty. Listed as a producer, Turner’s exact duties on Howling IV remain unclear (like virtually everything in the man’s life). Hough was convinced that Turner regularly faxed script re-writes to the set under the pseudonym Freddie Rowe. The first installment to go straight-to-video, IV was easily the worst in the series to date, yet it failed to derail the Howling train. Microwave Massacre isn't exactly an original film, though it sure is a fun one. Vernon, a comic from the classic era, has a terrific sense of comic timing and knows how to deliver dry, sarcastic lines for maximum impact. Too often, this kind of film can feature non-actors and non-comics simply delivering lines. Microwave Massacre is better because Vernon delivers the goods. Budget is microscopic, with passable technical credits. In explaining Donald's final comeuppance (yes, even in amoral farragoes such as this there lurks some form of retribution), picture briefly intimates a supernatural element, but this is not enough to attract the interest of traditional horror film fans. Yes, you read that right, the writing for the credits actually is funnier than the entire movie that has been endured up to this point. They aren’t belly-laugh funny, but there is a cleverness and a wit there that is absent from the entire movie. Referring to each victim as a cookbook themed dish and building on that is rather clever. A small payoff for such an atrocious seventy plus minutes, but at least it is something. It is enough to lay waste to its claim of being the worst horror movie ever, as there is this slim redeeming quality.