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Most physicians don’t ask questions and don’t know what to do if there’s a problem,” says Dr June La Valleur, a recently retired obstetrician-gynaecologist and associate professor who taught at the University of Minnesota’s medical school. “They think their patients are going to be embarrassed. In my opinion, you cannot call yourself a holistic practitioner unless you ask those questions.”

If you’re anything like me, you may experience that depressing feeling that happens when you come down from a pleasurable experience (it happens when I eat a little too much of something delicious or if I go on a bomb-AF date and they don’t text me immediately afterward). There’s a psychological element to all this as well. “A good sexual experience often helps deepen our feelings about a relationship,” says Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations. “If you’re engaging in a relationship with someone where love and a sense of connection and belonging together are part of the mix, you’ll likely experience a (metaphorical) flame lighting up your sexual self.” The brain is its own pleasure center during sex. Just being physically close with another human being is known to increase levels of oxytocin — the “cuddle hormone” — in the brain, making you feel happy and safe. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism: “The Relationship between Libido and Testosterone Levels in Aging Men.”For some people, that feels like enough. Or they don’t care about sex anymore; they are worn down by disease or just done with that part of their lives. If people in a relationship have discussed it and agree they no longer want sex, there’s no issue. But one of the most frequent complaints among couples is a discrepancy in desire. A small discrepancy is fine. However, when one person is initiating sex 95 per cent of the time, she may feel unwanted, while the person who says no – and therefore has the ultimate control over whether consensual sex happens – often feels guilty. (The pandemic has only exacerbated sex issues because many couples have so little differentiation and little time away from each other, Duclos notes. Enmeshment mutes desire.) People refer to not having sex for a long time as celibacy or abstinence. When someone does not have sex for months or years, they are unlikely to notice any negative physical side effects on their health.

More and more researchers are exploring psychological consequences of a sexual hook-up culture. An education article offered by The American Psychological Association (APA) will provide you with updates on that. Bailliere’s Clinical Obstetrics and Gynecology: “Sexual behaviour in pregnancy, after childbirth and during breast-feeding.” By the time David was in his 50s, he had had two affairs: in large part because the women made him feel desired. Anne also had a brief affair, in response to his cheating. Then, in his 60s, David retired from a career that had defined him, where he was surrounded by co-workers who loved him. Anne, meanwhile, was increasingly out of the house, volunteering in their community. Over the next five years, they had two more children, and Anne sometimes felt exhausted, managing homework, schedules, driving, emergencies, meltdowns. She loved David and liked sex with him, but it often fell lower on the list of what she needed: a good night’s sleep, an arm around her shoulder, no expectations. Anne also never fully escaped the feeling that sex was taboo. Much like real addictions, though, if your newly spiked sex drive starts to interfere with your day-to-day life in a negative way, you may want to investigate that urge with a more concerning lens, advises Reeves. Therapy might be a good place to start.

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We’re speaking over Skype on their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple sit side by side at the kitchen counter in a house they designed together 30 years ago, overlooking a lake. As they talk, Anne occasionally puts her head on David’s shoulder. Behind them is a bank of windows and, in one corner, a vase of dried sunflowers. Older people get little guidance about any of this. Realistic portrayals in the media are rare. Some couples therapists don’t talk about sex with their clients. It’s not surprising that sex can diminish with age: estrogen typically drops in women, which may lead to vaginal dryness and, in turn, pain. Testosterone declines for women and men, and erection problems become more commonplace.

Before David and Anne married, they hadn’t ventured beyond touching. It was 1961. She was 21, he was 22, and they were raised in conservative Catholic homes. “Thursday and Friday, sex is a sin, then you get married on Saturday,” David says. “What’s a clitoris? I didn’t know about that.” And she wasn’t thrilled with the one she’d received for her birthday. But by then, her daughters, one of whom runs female-sexuality retreats, had given her a few others. She tested them out until she found the right one. “I didn’t think I had it in me anymore,” Roslyn says. “I was amazed at what it did to me.” She could feel the sensations from her toes to her scalp. Medical News Today has strict sourcing guidelines and draws only from peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical journals and associations. We avoid using tertiary references. We link primary sources — including studies, scientific references, and statistics — within each article and also list them in the resources section at the bottom of our articles. You can learn more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our editorial policy. In their waning days and with aching bodies, they were missing out on a chance for easy, deep pleasure.

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Kim, J. H., et al. (2017). Sociodemographic correlates of sexlessness among American adults and associations with self-reported happiness levels: Evidence from the U.S. General Social Survey. Most Sunday mornings, after coffee and fruit, David goes to their bedroom. He pops a Viagra, straightens out the bed cover, showers and, when he’s ready, calls for Anne. Their phones remain in the kitchen, the dog outside the bedroom door. They cuddle and touch each other. Sometimes they mutually masturbate, which they just started doing in the last decade. (Anne still has her Prelude, which David has rewired over the years, along with a few other vibrators that they use regularly.) In males, prostate health can benefit from frequent ejaculation, whether this is with another person or alone. A 2016 study found that men who ejaculated at least 21 times per month had a lower risk of prostate cancer compared with those who ejaculated 4–7 times per month. At the precipice of separation, Anne and David went to therapy, and slowly they became more honest with each other. Anne talked about her anger over the affairs and her withholding of sex because of them. David expressed his hopes that he could bring the kind of sexual excitement he found outside the For others, abstaining from sex is important for good mental health. People may abstain from sex for many reasons, for example, because they have a low sex drive, are asexual, or simply choose not to engage in it.