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On the other hand, if one has a relationship where they feel supported, they can trust their partner, where both parties are attracted to each other and enjoy touching each other, and they think their partner is truly a good person, it is likely that the bad parts in the relationship can be overcome and that the good is enough to make the relationship worth staying in. Diagnostic question #21. In spite of all the ways you’re different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that’s important to you your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about?
TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY: How To Make The Perfect Decision TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY: How To Make The Perfect
A relationship where you feel demeaned, where there is no trust, or where there is a constant threat of physical violence should be left, regardless of the good things it has going for it. It's easy to convince yourself that the good offsets the bad, but some things are simply too bad to put up with, and significantly predict unhappiness. Feeling love doesn’t mean that your perceptions are accurate or that the realities warrant your feelings. In other words, feelings are not necessarily appropriate just because you have them.” The premise of this book is that trying to weigh the options of leaving or staying in a relationship is a losing game...but it's also what most of us do when we feel uncertain about the relationship we are in. A relationship can feel good one day and bad the next, so it is almost impossible to weigh the good against the bad. Diagnostic question #32. Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he’s most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism? The majority of question focus on "deal-breakers", or characteristics that predict an unhappy relationship: Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship? Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship? Have you gotten to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it's more likely that they are lying than they are telling the truth?You never do what you say you’re going to do.” This is where the issue of trust comes up in relationships. When people make agreements and then break them, the relationship is not only a place of fighting and deprivation, it’s a place of betrayal. A guideline that says your relationship is too bad to stay in overrules any guidelines that say your relationship is too good to leave. Diagnostic question #29. Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship? Diagnostic question #2. Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship?
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help
Few have written with such common sense and clarity about how to come out of the trap of ambivalence in marriage. I’ve recommended the book to colleagues and clients.”—Cloé Madanes, co-founder, The Family Therapy Institute Something else personal: I found the Dutch translation mediocre at best. Sentences weren't fluent, and at times I wanted to grab the original English version. Look at what you need to be happy in life. Look at what you’re doing to get those needs satisfied. If those needs are so important that they’ll make all the difference between your being happy in life or not, then either you’ve got to find a way to get them satisfied in the relationship—and that means learning to negotiate and get whatever other help you need—or you owe it to yourself and your partner to leave the relationship.” 17. Issue: Intimacy—How It Feels to Be Close Instead, this book takes the approach of asking a series of questions. Some questions focus on what we might think of as minimum qualities for a relationship: When the relationship was at it's best, was it really very good? Does your relationship support your having fun together?
17. Issue: Intimacy—How It Feels to Be Close
You destroy self-trust every day you give yourself the message that you’re not able to figure out what’s best for you. Diagnostic question #3. Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner? The book goes through a series of diagnostic questions to provide clarity on whether an “iffy” relationship is "too good to leave or too bad to stay", with plenty of examples & case studies. At the end of the book, the author lists additional resources (books) on how to move on if you chose to go; and another list on how to strengthen your relationship & improve communication if you chose to stay.
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