Famous Anus: Stories From a Decade Under the Sinfluence

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She twists on the chain to watch me. At the wall, I unloop a hose and attach a special nozzle to the end of it: three inches long, skinny, silicone. Everything happened on the same night. It was so painful, we just went from one thing to another. Finger, penis, done, ouch. He got a condom from his parents’ room which I realise now is really weird. I was in so much pain afterwards and then ran to the toilet and cried. Then he bought me Ben and Jerry’s which we ate in bed. Cute.’ Friend of a friend is an EMT. Last year he responded to a call for a young teenage boy with rectal bleeding and a ‘colorectal foreign body” – which is fancy-pants medical speak for ‘something lodged in butthole.’ A mother insists she try corporal punishment before enrolling her kids in a strict private school. (5,500 words.) I am not a physician, but my mother is an RN in the GI lab and she has these cases on a semi-regular basis. Here are a few that stand out.

You might know that it’s common advice to pee after vaginal intercourse to avoid getting a UTI, so you might also be wondering if the same is true for pooping after anal sex. Nope! The reason doctors recommend that you pee after sex is to flush out any bacteria that’s gotten into your urethra during the action. Since that kind of bacterial contamination doesn’t really happen during anal, Dr. Frankhouse says there’s no reason to force yourself to poop afterward if you don’t feel the need to. Finally I pull the hose from her throat. Barb instantly vomits, water spewing out her open mouth. Again-- another frothy, choking gush down her tits, her swollen stomach. Then she’s gurgling, gasping through the ring gag. She hangs there from her wrists, pinned on the wooden horse, just struggling to breathe. My ex-girlfriend is a nurse in A+E (the British version of the ER) and she came home with all sorts of weird and wonderful stories. One that stands out is of a guy that came in with a rubber snake firmly lodged in his beige daisy. Like whole way up there, nothing dangling. This is the second time this week you’ve failed to memorize your Bible lesson,” Aunt Connie said. “Perhaps a whipping will help you concentrate.” Had a patient come in with a coconut up his ass. He was nothing but straight up about it. He had put it in a carrier bag, applied lubricant, inserted said bag up his ass, enjoyed sexy fun times, then tried to pull it out. The handles snapped and the coconut stayed in his ass. For three days he tried to get it out before admitting defeat. Last we heard he now requires the use of a colostomy bag because the fibers on the outside of a coconut rip the insides to ribbons.”TL;DR : Stop making excuses, everybody knows you didn’t fall on it, you’re just embarrassing yourself further.” Barb lets out a long wail and starts to cry. She’s bawling through the ring gag, shaking all over, legs spread like she’s begging me to reach in and unplug her. I got mine when I was 8 or 9 and told my mum who then slapped me across the face. Apparently it’s tradition.’ Trying it ONLY once and not being really thrilled with it may not be the smartest thing to do, though. So my mother is a radiographer. She once X-rayed a guy who had an entire, unbroken lightbulb up his ass.

More: Insane date story involving poop will make your bad dates seem amazing 4. An unfortunate accidentWe all just assumed as usual he was full of shit (in addition to hairspray) and he probably did it to himself. However, a couple weeks later, a different guy comes in with the same brand of hairspray and a nearly identical story. Other story was much more tame; a guy just inserted a toothbrush up his urethra and couldn’t get it out. Guess that’s what happens when you go bristles first.” So, naked, he sets about washing the dishes. Turns out some of them were really dirty though, so he had to scrub pretty vigorously. This of course leads to him splashing soapy water all over himself, the floor, and his shopping. My friend is a trauma surgeon (ER surgery) and he had a patient who had a stemless wine glass in his rectum. The guy was pretty straight forward and admitted his wife out it there. The problem was getting it out without it shattering. Ideally you don’t want to open up someone’s abdomen for something in the rectum. But trying to get it out of the anus might shatter it. My friend was able to get it out non-invasively and was the most popular surgeon in the hospital for like two weeks.” The wife had brought along the matching frog from the set so that they’d know what they were looking for.

When I was 18, at a house party. He asked me if I’d like to go out for some air. At this point, I had no idea what going out for air meant. He just pushed his face into mine and frankly, it was awful. But he’s now gay so I feel like it’s all worked out for the best.’ It's tough growing up," he said aloud. He knew he was acting silly but things seemed much simpler when he was younger. In this tender period piece, a woman in a Puritan society is falsely accused of being a witch and is put on trial. (7,555 words.) Kenny stretched, then turned on his side. His memories were like a movie reel. The best part was yet to come.

A New Story Collection

An ex-girlfriend of mine was a Radiographer and I used to ask her for stories about these kinds of things. One that stands out was this… It was devastating. We had an intense summer romance over 4 months. One night at Crisis I got a text from him out of the blue saying ‘I don’t think this is going to work anymore’. I didn’t speak for 5 or 6 days afterwards. He told me I had to get over it and when I stalked him on Facebook, I discovered he had gotten a girlfriend. Since then, I’ve never actually fallen for someone else.’