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Daring To Take Up Space

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By publishing your document, the content will be optimally indexed by Google via AI and sorted into the right category for over 500 million ePaper readers on YUMPU. If you were parentified by vulnerable and needy parents, you might internalize the unconscious belief that you are loved not for who you are but for what you can do for others. This can bring a lifelong struggle for unconditional love and acceptance of yourself. In addition, children of narcissistic parents may have difficulty asserting their own needs and desires because growing up; it was never about them. Whenever they express their needs, they are punished. So even as adults, they feel a compulsive need to always pander to others. You are allowed to take up space. Own who you are and what you want for yourself. Stop downplaying the things you care about, the hopes you have. Own your passions, your thoughts, your perceptions. Own your fire. Stop putting your worth in the hands of others; stop letting them decide your value. Own saying no, saying yes. Own your mood, your feelings. Own your plans, your path, your success.” Trusting that you are being loved for who you are entails having faith that others will love and value your inner qualities, such as your personality, character, and what comes from your heart. In contrast, to be loved for what you do is to feel or believe that others want you around solely because of what you do or have accomplished, your social standing, and what you can do for them.

There is a lot of research that suggests that the way we hold our bodies can have an impact on our minds. For example, adopting a posture of confidence can make you feel more confident, while keeping yourself in a shrinking posture can make you feel insecure. One way to take up space physically is to focus on your posture, on lengthening your spine and broadening your shoulders. That is how taking up space in a healthy way looks like. You may also observe how leaders, public speakers and confident people compose themselves. Becoming more aware of your body and learning to express yourself can help you feel more powerful and in control. When you take up space, you communicate that you have a place in the world and that your voice deserves to be heard.To learn to take up space, you must also recognize your inherent worth as a person, regardless of what you can do or achieve. Once you have a strong foundation and recognize your intrinsic value, you can accept love from others. Even if it sounds trite, you may want to remind yourself daily, while looking in the mirror, that you are valuable and loved simply because you exist – not because of things you do or produce. Honing the skill of self-awareness is a good start. This means getting to know your feelings, beliefs, habits, and particular emotional triggers and reactions. When you understand your feelings and preferences, you can figure out how to express them in healthy ways. Remember, there are no “bad” feelings. Even often dismissed emotions like anger and sadness have value and serve an essential function.

A child is not capable of seeing the big picture. So if your parent had ignored or not paid attention to you, you would receive the message that you were unimportant and did not deserve a place in the world. You might also have justified your parents’ behaviours by assuming it was your fault that they neglected you. When these feelings and beliefs crystallize and are brought into adulthood, they can significantly hamper your ability to take up space and be confident and assertive. Many people underestimate how traumatizing it is to have emotionally absent and neglectful parents. Abuse can be done by ‘commission’ (something that was done) and by ‘omission’ (something not done). The fact that what needed to happen – love, attention, modelling emotional communication – did not happen could have deeply wounded you. They hardly asked how you were and made you feel like you were an inconvenience. If you had felt like a burden to others in life, it would have been difficult for you to take up your rightful space now.When we speak of space, we usually refer to the physical territory occupied by an individual or group. But space is not only physical; it can also be psychological, emotional and relational. Psychological space is the “real estate” we use to express our thoughts and feelings. Taking up space is essential to our well-being and can be used to protect us from intrusion and boundary violations. In a relational field, we might take up space by drawing attention to ourselves and being the centre of attention, talking about ourselves in conversations, using our posture to exude confidence, looking others in the eye, expressing a strong emotion, expressing a strong opinion, etc. When someone takes up space, they assert their presence and confidence, honing their voice and protecting themselves from intrusions from others. The unfortunate, often painful, truth about life is that you can try your best at something and still not succeed. Try not to think of this as an egotistical act. Instead, think of your expression as a contribution. When you speak up, you share your thoughts and open up opportunities for others to share theirs. Afterall, even if only one person benefits from what you say, it would be worth bringing it out into the world. This is for anyone who needs a reminder that you deserve to take up space in the world and that you are enough. Ultimately authenticity is the only way you can genuinely connect with others — how can others relate to you and build a deep connection with you if they never hear what you feel and want?

When traumatized children enter an unfamiliar space, they become extremely cautious and vigilant, watching for any sign of threat and vigilantly observing their parents’ reactions. Even if they get permission to play, they do not know what to do in a vast open space without instructions. Some parts were emotionally challenging and slapped me in the face. Others I feel like I disagreed with, or were too trite for me. You aren’t a burden. Your feelings aren’t wrong and your reaction isn’t too much. You’re exactly the way you’re meant to be.” If your parents are emotionally volatile, violent or abusive, you would have trained your nervous system to be constantly on high alert. You are trained to act solely based on what you see in your parents’ expressions. If you had the impression that your parents wanted you to laugh, you laughed. If you had the impression that your anger inconveniences them, you would suppress it. You would have done everything possible to keep the peace, not stir up conflicts or bring punishment onto yourself. If you carry this conditioning into adulthood, you will not know what to do in an organic relational space. So if you are with someone you cannot ‘read’ or who does not seem to tell you what to do, it would bring you deep anxiety. Do you feel like you are being selfish or narcissistic when discussing your difficulties or problems?

One reason parents silence gifted children is to protect their siblings. This can happen in various ways but often includes the idea that the gifted child must not stand out or be arrogant. As a result, the gifted child is not allowed to participate in more challenging work or activities, not praised for their accomplishments, or even hidden from other family members. Do you feel haunted by the need to be ‘productive’ at all times and feel terrible when you cannot work for any reason? Once, this had been the life I’d wanted. Even chosen. Now, though, I couldn’t believe that there had been a time when this kind of monotony and silence, this most narrow of existences, had been preferable. Then again, once, I’d never known anything else.”

Try not to view taking up space as an act of egotism. Consider your expression to be a contribution. When you speak up, you express your ideas and provide opportunities for others to do the same. Even if only one person benefits from what you say, it is still worthwhile to share it.Do you feel going to counselling or therapy is useless because there is no value in ‘talking about yourself? Taking up space means occupying physical or psychological territory assertively and confidently. You can do a few things to start taking up more space in your life. Another type of wound that can cause someone to lose the ability to take up space is ‘ gifted trauma’. This happens a lot to exceptionally intelligent, intuitive and intense children. These children often possess wisdom beyond their years and naturally shine with their creativity, perceptiveness, and deep empathy. They usually do not recognize this, but they stand out among their peers. However, others often perceive them as a threat, leading to jealousy and resentment.

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