Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, Find Peace in Any Situation

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Tell yourself that it is normal (which it is). Take deep breaths and remember all you have done and that you are stronger. If you have someone you trust with you, tell them how you feel so that they are aware and help you in one way or another. For many of us, we choose to focus on the wrongs done to us. A peer doesn’t listen to us in a meeting; a sibling takes something without asking; a waiter ignores us while on their phone. Self-forgiveness can be painful but also liberating, which is probably why quotes about self-forgiveness can resonate with us so strongly. Luskin uses a three-step process to take responsibility for feeling by learning how to relax and use good feelings to focus on the positive (modified from Luskin, 2003): Step one – Dust off your remote control

To forgive ourselves and gain freedom, we also need to forgive others who have hurt us. Only then can we walk in total forgiveness. While part of the healing process involves therapy, you can never go wrong from accepting what has been for the sake of one’s well-being. As you let go of your anger, fears, and anxieties towards a person, so too does your inner peace come closer within your reach. But the person I hate didn’t say sorry. They don’t deserve my radical forgiveness! Unfortunately, these acts will not make someone any better than their offender. Sometimes, it may even make them even worse! Radical forgiveness truly is unconventional. Unlike common forgiveness advice that goes along the lines of “forgive and forget” or “revenge is a dish best served cold,” it calls to the offended party to focus on themselves.

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Dissect the offending behavior and how it affects you. Spew it all out — the anger, the hurt, the bitterness — all the ugly, gory feelings you've been carrying inside you. Overall, findings suggested that learning to forgive improves psychological and physiological wellness and offers protection against future upsets. Forgiveness training also leads individuals to become emotionally stronger, experience greater confidence, and be increasingly optimistic (Luskin, 2003). Ideally, she says, choose someone to play witness — someone who can listen with compassion and without judgment. Otherwise you can do it on your own by speaking your story out loud or writing it all down. Worthington outlines his six steps for reaching self-forgiveness, which focus on forgiveness from others, from God, and from the self. No matter what a person’s role was, radical forgiveness aims to bring a sense of closure and peace. When done right, it can indeed be the way for reconciliation for all parties involved.

The road to self-forgiveness is winding and bumpy. Some people will naturally find it more difficult to forgive themselves than others, but we are all capable and worthy of self-forgiveness. This exercise invites clients to write themselves a brief message of forgiveness and acceptance in the second-person perspective to help pave the way for self-forgiveness and compassion. In his book, Forgive for Good, Dr. Frederic Luskin, Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project (2003), describes his personal and academic journey into forgiveness. Of course! If anything, it is your subconscious trying to protect you from harm. Think of it as the hairs on your arms standing up when you feel cold or scared! Anyone who has tried to forgive this way will tell you that it is extremely difficult, and the perception is that you have to be a special sort of person to be able to do it. A saint almost. Very few people actually manage it. They think they have forgiven until they get triggered and up it all comes again. It can take decades.

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Her next project, which she doesn’t want to discuss in detail until it is done, is about shame and the emotions – hatred, vengeance, forgiveness – that start and end wars. They always feel so baggy and amorphous, but they have a pleasing, almost mechanistic symmetry in the way she describes them. Forgiveness is most successful when you know how you feel and what was wrong about what happened, and you can share your experiences with a couple of trusted people (Luskin, 2003). Think of it this way: do you indeed remember the things that make you feel good and happy? Generally, you don’t because the human mind is more inclined to remember the bad memories. Focus on a time when you experienced intense feelings of love or a peaceful scene, perhaps beside the sea or in a forest. While bad things cannot always be stopped, you can choose how you respond and how they shape your life.