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It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

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The underlying message is that you just need to bear witness to their pain and don’t try to fix it. If you’ve ever experienced permanent loss firsthand, you know that platitudes and advice don’t work. It doesn’t matter if good intentions are behind them. They can come across as incredibly dismissive and impersonal. Don’t feel like talking to other people at the funeral? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Just delegate planning tasks where you can; then be alone. Not ready to go to memorial services held by your friends? Decline those invitations. Reluctant to wake up early or go to the supermarket in the next few weeks or months? Then stay in and have your groceries delivered to your doorstep. To build the right image of your recovery, answer these questions: What does your grief look like when you imagine the future? What will you likely feel as you carry it with you? Which parts of early grief are you ready to leave behind, and which get to stay? Grief is an individual full-body experience. Extreme stress looks different from person to person. Some people may experience extreme tiredness from time to time. Others may experience heartburn, headaches, or any conditions that were previously not there. There are even cases where grievers inherit bodily pains that their deceased loved ones experienced while they were alive. No matter what physical symptoms show up, they are your body’s way of coping with stress. To prevent damaging breakdowns, walk around the house or do simple movements to maintain enough energy.

In the situation described above, this disposition apparently has no effect. It seems so. However, it does have one. Namely, it gave me permission to feel cool and superior. These aren't good conditions to interact in unison and harmony with your environment. Imagine I hadn't realized what I was doing. Have you ever wanted to scream a relative’s head off for saying this only months after your spouse, parent, or child died? Has a friend murmured this when they saw you crying at the supermarket? You’re not crazy, and you are right to feel rage. It’s not you – it’s the society we live in. The way we collectively perceive grief is broken. We have been taught that pain from permanent loss is something to be corrected or overcome.

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This week, the activist, and best-selling author of See No Stranger joins me to talk about love, action, and the power of wonder in the face of impossible things. Provocation or come-on encourages and confirms our script belief, coming from the demon in the Parent. Why everyone has an opinion about how soon is too soon to date, have sex, or otherwise live your life after someone dies If you’ve ever wanted to write the story of your life - including the messy, difficult parts like divorce, miscarriage, and the loss of identity - this episode is for you. Many people who have suffered a loss feel judged, dismissed, and misunderstood by a culture that wants to "solve" grief. Megan writes, "Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution." Through stories, research, life tips, and creative and mindfulness-based practices, she offers a unique guide through an experience we all must face—in our personal lives, in the lives of those we love, and in the wider world.

In this beautifully written offering for our broken hearts, Megan Devine antidotes the culture’s messed up messages about bearing the unbearable. We don’t have to apologize for being sad! Grief is not a disease from which we must be cured as soon as possible! Rather, the landscape of loss is one of the holiest spaces we can enter. Megan serves as our fearless, feisty, and profoundly compassionate guide.”—Mirabai Starr, translator of Dark Night of the Soul: John of the Cross and author of Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation Tune in for the inside scoop on the stages of grief and what we should be doing instead, with a special shout-out to the tv shows getting grief right. Remember, death doesn’t have to make sense – no matter where you are in your grief, but especially in the earliest days. More importantly, you should grieve however you want, for as long as you need to. Life as you’ve known it is no longer the same. If you are going to read this book as somebody who wants support a loved one through the grief, it might be useful, but I also feel like it also might put you off helping. There is lots of advice on what to do, but even more on what not to do, and it creates this picture that you need to thread on eggshells whilst blindfolded around the bereaved. I felt like there was a fair bit of contradicting advice and author come across somewhat bitter in places. Join me for a thoughtful conversation with Megan Devine: best-selling author, psychotherapist, and grief advocate. With over 20 years in the field - and deep personal experience of grief - she is the go-to authority for grievers, supporters, and industry professionals. Her pioneering work provides a professional, inclusive, and realistic approach to grief, one that goes beyond pathology-based, reductive models. If you’re currently feeling the deep pain of loss or are looking for ways to support someone who is, this episode is for you.Here’s the thing: every loss is valid. And every loss is not the same. You can’t flatten the landscape of grief and say that on the effort to restore what matters and, when in trouble, to make good use of our heart. Like John of the Cross, who faced the dark night of the soul, and like Jacob, who wrestled the nameless angel in the bottom of the ravine, Megan lost her partner Matt and wrestled through a long dark ravine. And the truth she arrives with is not that everything will be alright or repaired or forgotten. But that things will evolve and root as real, that those who suffer great loss will be inextricably woven with life again, though everything will change. In Dante’s Divine Comedy, Virgil is Dante’s guide through hell into purgatory, right up until Dante faces a wall of flame, which he balks at, afraid. But Virgil tells him, “You have no choice. It is the fire that will burn but not consume.” Dante is still afraid. Sensing this, Virgil puts his hand on his shoulder and repeats, “You have no choice.” Dante then summons his courage and enters. Everyone who lives comes upon this wall of fire. Like Virgil, Megan is a guide through hell, up to the wall of fire we each must pass through alone, beyond which we become our own guides. Like Virgil, Megan points out a way, not the way, but a way, offering those in the mad turmoil of grief a few things to hold onto. It is courageous work to love and lose and keep each other company, no matter how long the road. And Megan is a courageous teacher. If you are in the grip of grief, reach for this book. It will help you carry what is yours to carry while making the journey less alone. Mark Nepo Where the stages of grief came from, and why their creator was Less Than Pleased with what happened next On this unabridged audio recording read by the author, Megan offers stories, research, life tips, and creative and mindfulness-based practices to guide us through an experience we all must face. With Megan's gentle but direct guidance, you'll learn: Maybe I would have entered the office in an arrogant manner. Others could have perceived me as arrogant. Too right.

It’s that faulty belief that leaves so many grieving people feeling alone and abandoned on top of their grief. There’s so much correction and judgment inside grief; many feel it’s just easier to not talk about what hurts. Because we don’t talk about the reality of loss, many grieving people think that what’s happening to them is strange, or weird, or wrong. There is nothing wrong with grief. It’s a natural extension of love. It’s a healthy and sane response to loss. That grief feels bad doesn’t make it bad; that you feel crazy doesn’t mean you are crazy. Grief is part of love. Love for life, love for self, love for others. What you are living, painful as it is, is love. And love is really hard. Excruciating at times. If you’re going to feel this experience as part of love, we need to start talking about it in real terms, not as pathology, and not with some false hope of everything working out alright in the end. GRIEF BEYOND “NORMAL” GRIEF Everyday life carries losses and grief. There is immense work to be done in our culture around giving everyone a voice, around validating and honoring all the pains we carry in our hearts, all the loss we encounter. But this book isn’t about those daily losses. There are wounds in this life that hurt, that hurt immensely, that can eventually be overcome. Through self- work and hard work, many difficulties can be transformed. There really is gold to be found, as the Jungians say, at the bottom of all the heavy work of life. But this is not one of those times. This isn’t a hard day at work. This isn’t simply not getting something you deeply, truly wanted. This is not losing something beautiful just so something more “right for you” can come along. The work of transformation does not apply here. There are losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything, grief that tears everything I have benefitted greatly from exploring Devine’s perspective. In my work co-facilitating grief support groups through Hospice of Humboldt, I am always searching for new and better ways to understand the experiences of the people I serve, as well as language with which to help them articulate their experiences. I now open our sessions with a line from Devine’s closing chapter: “I’m so sorry you have need of this place, and I’m so glad you’re here” (235). Everybody knows the stages of grief. Even if you didn’t go to grad school, I bet you can rattle them off. Thing is - those stages don’t help anyone: not the pros trying to support patients or clients, not the person trying to survive an impossible situation. Now that you know you can grieve uniquely, it’s time for some honest, no-nonsense self-care to get you through it. The next section helps you explore how you can manage the physical and mental symptoms of stress from grief. Relieve symptoms of stress from grief in digestible steps.The ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ person gets on with others and may be described as confident and contented within their work, home and life as a whole, mutually respecting others thoughts and opinions, even if they disagree with them. 'I’m OK, You’re not OK' The San Francisco AIDS Foundation and UCSF house a lot of queer history related to the AIDS epidemic.

Death tends to bring out the worst in people. Many often don’t know how best to behave in the wake of death because they feel helpless. Since there’s no right way to grieve, people do what they can to cope. Quiet, distant in-laws may suddenly want to take over the funeral or bring up inheritance issues. Longtime friends may stop calling you to avoid uncomfortable silence. Acquaintances who do have something to say may express tone-deaf mantras of encouragement at the wrong time. Even spiritual communities may try to tell you that grief is a test of faith that you must face to gain points in the afterlife. While the message "It's okay to not be okay" is a good one and I'm very sure there are people who need to hear that message, the author of this book is capital-A Angry. And it comes through very loudly in both the text and the voice performance. I know a lot about being angry during grief. This author is very angry, and was still very angry when she wrote this. I disagree with many of her assertions about grief, even while I agree with many about society and even some about psychology. But the author's intense anger colors her viewpoint on many things and I actually find it distracting from the content of the book. For a little while I'll be listening fine and then BAM some statement that is clearly influenced by the author's personal anger. It's maybe 50% good content and 50% a woman who is still angry and grieving and is doing so at you. In places I feel like she is actually trying to unload her personal feelings onto me. The book's not long so I was trying to finish it anyway, but I gave up at the end of chapter 7 after another bit of this emotional whiplash. Why is it so hard to talk about devastating collective events - like AIDS and COVID - once the initial danger is over? it, not covering your discomfort with a pithy “think positive” emoticon. Being brave is letting pain unfurl and take up all the space it needs. Being brave is telling that story. It’s terrifying. And it’s beautiful. Those are the stories we need. THERE’S EVEN MORE TO THE STORY … We’ve covered a lot of cultural territory in this chapter. That wider lens can help you feel more normal, and less crazy, inside your grief. It can also help you as you search for professional and personal support in your grief—identifying those who don’t necessarily adhere to the stages model or the cultural narrative of transformation is a great starting point. If you want to dive even deeper into our collective avoidance of pain and the far-reaching, and surprising, roots of grief shaming, head over to chapter 4. If it feels like too much for right now (early grief really does mess with your ability to take in information), go right to chapter 5. There, you’ll find the new vision of grief support and what living your grief well might look like. Megan’s book It’s OK that You’re Not OK has sold over 250K copies and is available in 16 languages. New York magazine’s The Strategist named the book in their “Top 16 Grief Books Recommended by Psychologists in 2021.” Her animated short, “How to Help a Grieving Friend,” has been viewed over 70 million times and is used in training programs worldwide. She’s been published in Psychology Today, The New York Times, and The Washington Post and has served as a grief expert for major media outlets, including NPR, iHeartRadio, and the PBS documentary, Speaking Grief.In this special encore episode, Sandy Hook parent survivor Nelba Márquez-Greene and I discuss what cries of “release the photos!” means to survivors who have already had their private lives invaded, and their peoples’ images co-opted for others’ use. We need to talk about the hierarchy of grief. You hear it all the time—no grief is worse than any other. I don’t think that’s one bit true. There is a hierarchy of grief. Divorce is not the same as the death of a partner. Death of a grandparent is not

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