This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships

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How many of us have heard "well I spoke with my friend about you and she says you are acting like a jerk" You pinpoint painful places and offer genuine insight and life-changing practical solutions with lovingkindness, which makes you an amazing counselor, teacher, and guide. And now you are a bonafide book author! I’m so happy for you! To be in with a chance of winning a copy of Emma Dabiri’s new book along with this stunning pastel nail polish giftset from Télle Moi, simply…

You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement). The author also seems to be very honest in his reflections of where he failed and was a shitty partner, to the extent that I can't but agree with the chapter where he mused that it's a wonder his ex-wife married and had a child with him in the first place. However, it's impressive growth that he's undertaken since then, so you gotta give him credit for that.Until I got divorced by being an asshole. And THEN, eight or nine years later, you could make the case I’m being rewarded for it. I greatly enjoyed the simple yet effective "Invalidation Triple Threat" he referred to throughout the book. This is made up of 3 distinct ways people commonly respond to their partner that invalidates them: judging their thoughts/recollection of events to be wrong, judging their feelings to be wrong, or justifying/defending one's own pain-causing actions. The more these invalidations occur repeatedly (even if over seemingly 'little things' that actually matter a BIG deal to your partner)--safety is eroded over time, and then there is no trust. So to summarize, marriages fail when one partner does not care about the pain that they are causing the other partner. Matt Fray bravely takes us on a tour of the male brain in relationships and how we can become our own worst enemy. By doing so, he reveals why we (men and women) get it wrong so often and what we can do to fix it. The truth is that when it comes to complex matters of the heart, we often don’t take the time to recognize the role WE play in conflict, and too often invalidate each other without truly understanding how our actions impact the person we love. This Is How Your Marriage Ends is the book we have been waiting for – an entertaining, honest, and truly practical guide for saving our relationships.” — Justin Baldoni I mean, the guy did a lot of work. It’s good stuff. But he still gets caught up in semantics, still says things like Luke Armstrong got caught doping and a bunch of people “decided they didn’t like him anymore,” instead of “he messed up and lost a lot of respect”- you know what I mean? And there’s a little whisper of “my wife’s feelings were still silly but I should have empathized anyway!”

After a while, the little things can start to get pushed away when you get married. You have kids, you have a mortgage, you have things that need to get done. Day in and day out, the “big things” start to take precedence over the “little things”. Marriages can end because people forget to compliment their spouse every day or thank them for the little things, like bringing them a cup of tea, or tidying up the living room. When I discussed this book in some depth with my husband (with whom I have no intention of ending the marriage), he said, "Lacey, do you know how RARE that is? For there to be a man who skated by believing all the typical BS about male-female relationships and then realized he was WRONG and spoke up about it?" Discover your next non-fiction read and brilliant book gifts in the Profile newsletter, and find books to help you live well with Souvenir Press.

The wife feels like he doesn’t about them. O ften, the conversation causes more damage than the actual event, as the wife now perceives that her husband doesn’t care about the pain she is experiencing The problem with this approach, as with many of Fray’s pieces of advice to his presumably male audience, is that teaching men to navigate around the feelings of women doesn’t take into account that women are rational beings capable of understanding logic as well as emotion. In this example, Grayson’s wife is so hypothetically blinded by the stinging betrayal of Grayson’s fish sandwich consumption that she cannot grasp any of his reasoning. By advising Grayson to cater to his wife’s feelings, Fray perpetuates the image of Grayson’s wife as irrational and driven by emotion rather than reason. I get what this guy is trying to convey that he (and many men) should step up to be more accountable and ownership, but he shouldn't place all the blame on himself. His ex-wife was somewhat responsible of the divorce. I'd say it was 80/20. Not 100/0 like he's taking the martyrs role and going to die on his hill alone for the sake of responsibility and to get likes on his posts.

He talked about how he used to not have any empathy, and it wasn’t until he completely broke inside from the divorce that he was finally able to tap into empathy, and grow in ways he otherwise never would have. I guess that’s what it takes for some people.You, you definitely hone in like your parents divorced. You didn’t, you know, when you were young, that’s kind of the story of a lot of us, um, at some point in our lives. Um, and you also talk about this. This is what you said. Maybe I was hypersensitive because of my parents’ divorce. Maybe I was worried about what my friends and would think of me for failing at the most important job I had, maybe I was afraid of being alone. Maybe I just missed my wife and son, you know, thinking because as a person of divorce myself, parents, myself, you know, it definitely hit home that this was a failure and that your children observed the, of their family unit. How do you now, or, you know, I don’t know how old your son is. How do you approach this subject of relationships with your son now so that he doesn’t feel like, oh, this is just expected. We don’t like each other. We divorce, you know? Yeah. How do you go about that? When we realize that we choose to love someone that irritates us by doing x, y, and z, we choose to still show up for that person and our relationship. Fray’s framework is to explain how the way he hurt others helped him become a better person and attempt to guide others towards self-improvement. Fray relies on self-deprecating humor to describe the ways in which his actions hurt his wife, emphasizing his poor character to establish credibility for the advice he gives. This has two negative effects: First, it makes readers feel uncomfortable and guilty to support, with their time and money, someone making a career and profits off of treating his wife poorly. Second, it erodes readers’ trust in the author. And even though it strikes me as a little bit cringy and selfish now, I remember having the thought a week or so later: Figures the New York Times would reach out to me, and then the biggest news thing ever would happen, ensuring that no one will ever give a shit about some divorced idiot writing things on the internet. I had no idea. I guessed that I might get an increase in requests for coaching services, and that seemed cool to me.