His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts

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Family commitment - Fathers should be dads, otherwise women will have affairs with other men who will raise their children better-- including relatives of the biological father. Harley writes that there should be 15 hours together with the children (is that added to the 15 hours of undivided attention for the spouse as well, or do parents get out of that?).

Over this book I would recommend Arterburn's Seven Minute Marriage Solution, Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect, and many more. Love and Respect for a Lifetime: Women Absolutely Need Love. Men Absolutely Need Respect. Its as Simple and as Complicated as That...

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Romantic movies, cultural events, going out for lunch and dinner, dancing, shopping, sightseeing, exercising, enjoying nature. Harley does divide emotional needs into male and female, GENERALLY speaking, but he stresses over and over that these needs do not correspond always to men and women exactly and consistently. Any man and any woman may have any combination of these needs - his list of emotional needs are a basic guide to help you and your spouse figure out what yours are.

After reading this book, I agree with her that it is a great book to read for anyone who wants to be in a relationship and to make it work. Knowing and respecting what is important to one's partner is essential, especially because so often men and women have different needs. Having this knowledge of these needs is incredibly helpful as I venture out into the dating world again, because it helps me to have a great framework to build my evaluation of potential partners from. I'm currently in a relationship, and it has definitely helped me to keep perspective. These concepts will be helpful in marriage, but they are also helpful before the marriage happens.

Summary of His Needs, Her Needs

By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles. Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples. Equality: Both partners should have an equal say in everything that happens in the relationship, regardless of whether or not they contribute equally to the overall workload. If one person feels like they’re always carrying the burden, it will eventually wear them down emotionally and physically. Harley takes a very shallow, worldly approach to marriage. In my opinion, he does not show any evidence of writing from a Christian perspective. He seems to almost condone adultery, if the innocent spouse wasn't meeting the "needs" of the guilty party. Similarly, he appears to place blame which should be for the guilty spouse on the shoulders of the innocent party. Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.

The first step is to understand your partner better than anyone else does. This means getting to know what makes them happy and unhappy. Once you understand this, you can start working on meeting those needs in a way that won’t frustrate or anger them. Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so they will do a good job training the children. They discuss training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval and recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her. A wife must have a man contributing to the well-being of her children, whether it’s the husband or someone else. I really cannot guess why anyone would give this book less than 5 stars. Except perhaps that they or their partner did not follow its guidance. Or their marriage failed anyway. Harley also makes it clear that once a marriage is affected by an affair, it is incredibly difficult to fix. In his words “some couples succeed, many do not”. The author claims that there are 10 emotional needs that both husbands and wives have. Some needs are more critical for men, while others are crucial for women. Understanding these needs is key to fulfilling each other. For example, in my case my husband loves intimacy, more than I do. So I make it a point to make sure his need for intimacy is met even though it’s not a priority for me. You will learn more about these emotional needs as you dive deeper into the book. In the meantime I’ll mention them just to give you an overview of what they are all about. 1. The Need For Affection

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When your most important emotional needs are met by your spouse, he or she deposits the greatest possible number of love units into your Love Bank, and you experience a feeling of love toward your spouse. The same is true for your spouse. When you meet his or her most important emotional needs, your spouse experiences a feeling of love for you. Trust is the foundation of any marriage. Be honest and open with each other. Share your fears and dreams. Trust grows when you’re transparent. Women mostly prioritize honesty and openness therefore, partners should not disregard this need. I have had a lot about phones being private, but in my experience, whatever you can use to harbor secrets should be an open discussion. Remember how you used to have fun together during courtship? According to the book, men have a higher need for recreational companionship compared to women in most relationships. Doing things together creates a strong bond. Find activities you both enjoy, whether it’s hiking, cooking, or watching romantic movies. 5. The Need For Trust, Honesty and Openness