The Best Ever Book of Newcastle United Jokes: Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who

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Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?" Non Geordie translation: someone who thinks a lot of themselves or looks rather special, either because of good looks or impressive clothes/accessories. The Oxford English Dictionary’s online service confirmed the term was born in the North East and was first used in 1997. In my school, kids thought I was posh because I had a Playstation and a dad. Not in the same house. I'm not royalty." Joe Sutherland

David de Gea, Harry Maguire, Raphaël Varane, Alex Telles, Diogo Dalot, Fred ( Jadon Sancho), Scott McTominay ( Nemanja Matic), Cristiano Ronaldo, Mason Greenwood ( Edinson Cavani), Bruno Fernandes, Marcus Rashford. People often ask me: ‘What’s the difference between a northern audience and a southern audience?’ Frankly, as far as I’m concerned there’s no difference – they don’t laugh at me in the south either.” – Les Dawson A new eco opera, Rainforest Ocean Blue, is a disaster. The tenor in particular is dreadful. An aria, "The Sighs Of Whales" is being destroyed every night." Simon Evans It's rough over there. I went to a shop in Sunderland to buy some tights for Wor lass: shopkeeper asked what size my heed was. What’s the difference between a Magpie bird and a Magpie player? A magpie bird is renowned for collecting silverware!Non Geordie translation: chav, which is defined by the Urban Dictionary as "a young lower-class person typified by brash and loutish behaviour and the wearing of (real or imitation) designer clothes" Translation: Paddy’s Market was a long-standing Newcastle market where second-hand clothes were for sale. 15. “It’s ploating down outside. Don’t forget your gamp”

Bruce Kelly, from Washington: The fire brigade phoned Steve McLaren in the early hours of the morning to tell him St James’ Park was on fire. Not really knowing what an SAFC supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd. Have we missed any, or do you know the origin of any of those we've included? Let us know in the comments, which make for amusing reading...

Here are 35 of the best jokes and quips from Northern comedians:

I've learnt that saying "Oh, this old thing?" isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative." Glenn Moore The internet is awash with speculation after another takeover rumour involving Newcastle United emerged. Translation: Canny forms an integral part of the phrase “Canny bag o’ Tudas”, which has its origin in popular 1980s North East-manufactured crisp brand, Tudor Crisps, which were advertised on TV with that slogan.